We have met before, no?
Didn’t we just play these guys? We did? Ok, good; I thought I was going crazy there for a bit. Then again, watching this team commit hari kari in slow motion this weekend will give you a case of The Madness like nothing else. It’s not just Coop anymore; the starters, one and all, are laying ostrich-sized eggs, putting further strain on a bullpen that currently consists of three rubber bands and Doug Brocail’s oldest daughter. (UPDATE: Brocail’s daughter has been outrighted to Round Rock, where she was placed on the 365-day DL)
The Internet, at least in this form and in my awareness, didn’t exist in the early-mid 90’s doldrum years of the Astros franchise. Still, those were the years of my card-collecting, score-keeping, linescore-reading heyday, and if sites like this had been available to me, I certainly would have a point of reference for what we’re going through now. My standard reaction back then was to tear up the Sports section of the Chronicle if there was a losing box score in it, a rather Herculean feat of strength for a shrimp like me.
Even though this team and those teams are horrible for totally different reasons, I would at least know the proper protocol for venting my frustration. As it stands now, I can only come up with so many different inflections of the word “fuck” to cover the spectrum of mistakes, errors, and misfortune that have defined the 2009 season. And then shit like this gets reported like a gat-dam Rick Reilly human interest story. Oh look! Two dickless wonders are friends! It’s like when a dog and orangutan are friends! OMG! Like everything else, I’ve heard this story before.
They think they're people!
Tuesday, August 18th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Ricky Nolasco (8-8, 5.44) v. Budweiser Select Norris (3-0, 3.00)
Bud hasn’t lost yet. That’s all we’ll say about him, so as not to arouse the attention of the BBGs, who have been rather on their game lately. Nolasco is going to have to make hay to catch up to his 15 win 2008 season’s numbers, but that’s okay if he doesn’t. Puma, Pence, Coste, Bourn and Tejada all hit him well, with Kaz and Lee as the lone strugglers against him. So there’s your 1-2 hitters on Coop’s lineup card.
Wednesday, August 19th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Sean West (4-4, 4.57) v. Yorman Bazardo (0-0, 5.06)
Now that we seen West once, shedding ourselves of our inability to beat any rookie (no matter how pathetic) on their first vs. Astros start, we should be able to hit him as well as anybody else does. Besides, in his head shot on the Marlins’ site, there looks to be something unspeakable leaking out of the top of his head. Yech.
Bazardo’s trouble getting a fair shake from Coop has been well-documented, and I won’t belabor it anymore here, except to say that it would be one of the highlights of the season for me if he goes out and throws a great big F.U. to Coop and delivers on the promise he showed in Round Rock.
Thursday, August 20th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Josh Johnson (12-2, 2.85) v. Wandy Rodriguez (11-7, 3.05)
The respective aces face each other to wrap up the series. Johnson hasn’t faced the Astros much, and the only players who’s hit him well are Berkman and Coste, which means that Coste will be buried on the bench, even though Q probably couldn’t hit Johnson if he had gadgets supplied by the other Q.
Wandy’s horrid last outing aside, he’s still been a joy to watch all year. He has been hit well by Ronny Paulino and Headly Heddy Hanley Ramirez. It’s time for a bounce-back start.
Astros:
Aaron Boone – Better. Stronger. Faster. And the only story worth following on this team right now.
Doug Brocail – Pacing in his cage, ready to strike.
Mike Hampton – Winners Don’t Use Drugs
Wesley Wright – 15 Day DL: CBOS (Cooper Bullshit Overload Syndrome)
Marlins:
Alfredo Amezaga – eczema with cream sauce
Burke Badenhop – auditioning for a new Coen Bros movie
Nick Jonson – day to day (portly)
Andrew Miller – sprained ankle playing “hide the bait” with Billy the Marlin
Scott Proctor – Removed elbow…cast on June 15.
Anibal Sanchez – 60 Day DL (girl’s name)
PPPPromotions!
Tuesday: Double Play Tuesdays have been renamed Kaz Matsui Tuesdays
Wednesday: $1 Hot Dogs.
Thursday: You get nothing, and you’ll like it!
What to Watch For:
Buddhist monks setting themselves on fire at home plate
Booing Cooper (seriously. please.)
Bazardo
A decent pitchers duel to wrap things up.
Talk about it in the Game Zone!
