I still haven’t figured out how to root for this year’s Astros team.   Unlike the sniveling masses, I refuse to throw in the towel on this season and bide my time until the Texans season starts, grumbling about delusional owners and Baseball Prospectus grades for our farm system.  But what’s the alternative?  There ain’t no sunshine when my baby’s gone, and there ain’t no soaring bright hope to focus on this year.  Bourn is still thrilling, and the young pitcher are showing some signs of maturity, but hell, if that’s all you can hang your hat on, what do you do during the other eight batters?

In the previous franchise doldrums in the early nineties, I was a fan hooked on the adventures of Gonzo and Baggy and Bidge, with little regard for the fact that the latter two would someday form the nucleus of a playoff (and World Series) team.  If they won, great.  If they lost, oh well.  Besides, at that point in my life, I was more concerned with figuring out whether Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or Starburst were the best path to a young girl’s heart.  I never quite figured that answer out, and by the time the Astros were good again, that girl was gone to New York to become a ballerina, and I had a less candy-centric view of romance.

Obviously, it would be treasonous to root against my hometown team.  But even as it regards the players on this team who infuriate me (Pence and Lee), I can’t even bring myself to root against them.  When Pence hits a walk-off double, I’m happy for the dopey little guy.  I even allow myself the hope that he’s turned some sort of corner, that’s he’s finally figured it out and will finally live up to the potential that’s been thrust upon him.

As has sometimes been mentioned here, the root word of fan is fanatic.  I love the city of Houston (kiss my humid ass, Alkie), and I love the Astros.  I’ll be a fan through thick and thin.  But during this thin time, I just don’t know if I can muster enough gusto to be a true fanatic.

Probables

Tuesday, May 11th, 7:15 CST

Macrobrew Stadium

Brett Myers (1-2, 3.60) v. Brad Penny (3-2, 1.99)

Eliza Dushku is an actress whose most recent show, Dollhouse, occasionally featured her getting punched (though not in the way that Limey is currently punching himself).   Up until recently, Dushku dated Brad Penny, because she has either bad vision or bad taste.  So I guess what I’m getting at is that both starting pitchers know a thing or two about women who’ve been hit.

Allegedy.

Ahem.

Penny’s been impressive this year, having hooked himself up to the John Smoltz Memorial Rejuvenation Machine that’s kept in the basement of Busch Stadium.  Or it could just be that being in Missouri, without all the distractions and moderately attractive people in California, he’s had more time to focus on his craft.  One of those two, to be sure.  Against the Astros of years past, Penny has been formidable, with a .217 BA against him; however, Bourn, Blum and Lee all hit him well.

As much as I’m still queasy about Myers as a person, Myers as a pitcher has been a hoss, staying on the mound deep into games and relieving the burden on the ‘pen.  The Co-ards do hit him rather well, with Skippy Schumacher, Ryan Ludwick and Matt “Oww My Balls” Holliday as the most common offenders.

Wednesday, May 12th, 7:15 CT

Yellow Piss Field

Wandy Rodriguez (1-4, 4.59) v. Kyle Lohse (0-2, 5.45)

Paging Brad Arnsberg!  Brad Arnsberg, please pick up the white courtesy phone!  In our heart of hearts, we all kinda hoped that 2009 wasn’t a fluke for Wandy.  I don’t think it’s fair to say that it is at this point, but it’s starting to look like an outlier at least.   Roller Coaster Wandy is back, y’all.  Overall, he’s had success against St. Louie, with only Ryan Ludwick and Skip Schumacher batting over .300 against him; even mighty Prince Albert hits just .212 against him.

Kyle Lohse is so boring, his name is Kyle Lohse.  His last name sounds like it was going to be something long and Germanic or Scandinavian, but it just gave up five letters in.   He’s still looking for his first win, and if Hunter and Caballo hit him the way they have in the past, he’s probably going to have to keep looking.

Thursday, May 13th, 12:45 CST

Dear God It Just Tastes Like Mineral Water Ballpark

Bud Norris (1-3, 7.52) v. Chris Carpenter (4-0, 2.80)

Bud’s struggling, and working with Arnsberg to fix a hitch in his mechanics.  He’s faced the Cards twice, and has been hit well by David Freese, Zeppo Molina, and the ever-annoying Ryan Ludwick.  Ludwick: I hope you get lost in East Saint Louis while searching for hookers, and someone goes all Wire on you.

Carpenter is disgustingly good and apparently a decent human being.  Fuck that noise.  Let’s remind him what it’s like to lose.

Injuries

Astros

Alberto Arias – out for season, strained potential

Tim Byrdak – 15-day DL, horrible Lasik reversion injury

Cards

Matt Holliday – Sore Groin.  Really.  I totally didn’t even know about this before the “Oww, My Balls” joke earlier.  Sometimes things just come together.

Felipe Lopez – 15-day DL, Sore elbow from meeting Eliza Dushku, aka BIMBS (Be In My Bunk Syndrome)

Giveaways

Wednesday: Ice Mountain Autograph Night!  Get player autographs, sponsored by a bottled water company.  So basically all the Cards corporate sponsors make tasteless, low-alcohol content beverages.

What To Watch For

– Bud’s mechanics.  Are you a four starter in a third starter’s body, or a fifth starter/long reliever in a fourth starter’s?

– Bourn’s possible suspension if his appeal doesn’t go through.  Myers says that sometimes umps just need a little bump to keep them in line.

– Hell if I know: I’m going to be watching with my hands half-covering my face, since this one is probably going to be ugly.  Fucking Cardinals.

The 2010 Astros rollercoaster season continues as the San Diego Padres come into town.  The Padres are off to the fourth-fastest start in the team’s 42-year history–a 17-11 record after 28 games.  Going Up!!  The Astros meanwhile have a 9-19 record after losing nine of their last 10.  Going Down!! Getting sick to your stomach?  Has the shitty baseball you’ve been watching make you wanna puke?  No worries, there is plenty of pink stuff this weekend to cure the nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea that ails ya.

Probable Pitching Matchups

Friday, May 7, 7:05 p.m. Mat Latos, RHP (1-3, 5.47) vs Bud Norris, RHP (1-3, 7.25)  Now I would loved to be able to guarantee you a win here folks, but that ain’t gonna happen.  Instead I will guaranfuckintee you a loss.  Mat (where’s that other t) Latos has not faced one single batter in the current Astros lineup which is as good as cash money in Vegas. Get ready for another dearth of Astros hitting in this one.  Norris has no freakin chance.  The only Padre that has faced Norris is Garland and he is on the bench waiting for tomorrow’s game.

Saturday May 8, 6:05 p.m.  Jon Garland, RHP (3-2, 2.06) vs Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-4, 5.53)  Bourn has the most PAs of any Astros vs. Garland and a hefty .500 average against him.  Lee on the other hand is 1 for 11, that’s  an .o91 BA, OBP and SLG.  Piss poor.  Garland has given up only 3 hits each in his last two starts and has had great success with getting easy ground ball outs, which has been a particular problem for this Astros lineup.  Paulino has not hit his stride yet this season, and walks have been a particular thorn in his side.  He has only faced two Holy Fathers in his career, Garland (0-1) and Hairston (2-6, HR).

Sunday, May 9, 1:05 p.m.  Kevin Correia, RHP (4-2, 3.97) vs Roy Oswalt, RHP (2-4, 2.48) Kevin Correia has had relative success against the Astros, holding the team to a combined .254 BA.  Matsui had better sit this one out as his suckitude reaches magnificent proportions against Correia–0 for 11 with 4 Ks.  That’s black hole status right there.  Correia faces Oswalt who couldn’t buy a 5 dollar score with a hundred dollar bill.  Although he worked hard at keeping his comments from expressing too much anger after his last loss, you know Roy was pissed that he hasn’t gotten decent run support from his batters this season. Of course, it is rather ironic that the Astros are playing the Fathers on Mother’s Day…..

Getting a visit from Marcus Welby, MD:  

Padres

• RHP Sean Gallagher sprained a toe on his left foot and whined his way to the 15-day DL May 4. 

• SS Everth Cabrera strained his right hamstring and was placed on the 15-day DL retroactive to April 27.

• RHP Chris Young  is experiencing right shoulder tightness and went on the 15-day DL retroactive to April 7. 

 • 2B Matt Antonelli, who had left hand surgery in April 2010 was recalled from the minors and placed on the 60-day DLApril 30.

Astros

• LHP Tim Byrdak strained his right hammy and went on the 15-day disabled list May 4. 

• 3B Chris Johnson has a strained rib cage went on the 15-day DL retroactive to April 18.  

• RHP Alberto Arias impingement of the right rotator cuff  went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to March 26, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on May 4. He had season-ending surgery April 22.

Its Pepto in the Park Weekend!

With Mother’s Day being Sunday and all, (hint–it is probably too late to order Proflowers or a Pajamagram, you better run to the mall Lowe’s or Academy and get mom something she really doesn’t want or need, like a new lawn tractor or a new shotgun) the Astros are celebrating by bombarding you with anything and everything pink.  Now I may be in the minority here, but I prefer to show my support of my team by wearing the team colors, and the last time I looked, there wasn’t a pink jersey or pants or socks to be found on the field.  However, if that is what it takes to get your woman interested in going to the ballpark, I guess the ends justify the means.  So here goes it for Pepto in the park:

Friday–Pink Cap, CocaCola Value night, Friday night Fireworks

Saturday–Pink Tote Bag, Young Professionals night

Sunday–Pink T-shirt, Price Matters Days, Family Sundays

The numbers don’t lie….. 

3-Shutouts by Padres pitchers in a four-game series against Milwaukee last week.

4-Number of runs the Astros need for a win.  Here’s the scoop:Houston is now 8-3 when scoring four or more runs and 1-16 when scoring three or fewer.

5-Maximum innings pitched for Bud Norris in his first five starts this season. Norris has averaged just better than 4 1/3 innings per start and has an ERA of 7.25.

9-The number of Astros home runs–that is less than 4 different major leaguers (Konerko-12, Ethier, Johnson and Wigginton -10)  Insert obvious quote here:   “You’d like to have more than we have right now, that’s for sure.”—Manager Brad Mills

31-Thou shalt not steal does not apply to the friars this season.  They have 31 stolen bases, ranking the Padres second in the Majors behind the Chicago White Sox.  Q and Cash better warm those arms up, these priests are breaking this commandment first and asking for forgiveness later.

Check out the GameZone.  And don’t wear pink.