The shitty, cellar dwellers of the West Division Arizona Diamondbacks roll into Houston to take on the really shitty Houston Astros, cellar dwellars extraordinaire who have splatted out six in a row in grand style, without even Senator Carl Levin to yell at them.  Atlanta was the latest team to have their way with your home town team, outscoring them 21-4 in the sweep which featured wayward pitching, pedestrian defense, and lots of swishing around at the plate.  As bad as a bunch of Kansas City faggots?  Not quite.  At least those boys know how to turn on a ball.  Anyway, it’s a four game shit sandwich and we’ve all got to take a bite.

Pitching Matchups:

Monday, May 3rd at 7:05pm

Cesar Valdez, RHP (0-0, 0.00) v. Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-3, 5.40)

The D-Backs are calling up Valdez to start in place of Kris Benson who got hit with a purse or something.  Valdez was Arizona’s minor league pitcher of the year in ’08 but sort of sucked last season though he has been pretty good thus far in April.  Since this is his debut and it’s against Houston, look for a lot of weeping and hugging and hand wringing from the Astros hitters.  He’ll be opposing Paulino who has great shit and feels pert as a ruttin’ buck and all but tends not to locate at some really unfortunate junctures in games allowing the opposition to run around the bases a lot.  “Patience” seems to be the word of the day when it comes to Paulino, but it would be nice if he could sorta kinda start figuring this shit out a little.  Wouldn’t hurt, Felipe.

Tuesday, May 4th, 7:05pm

Ian “Nigel” Kennedy, RHP (1-1, 4.45) v. Roy Oswalt, (2-3, 2.73)

MLB.com says that Kennedy has pitched a lot better than his record indicates.  Well, that should make him as happy as a puppy with two dicks now that he’ll be facing the nancy boys in Houston.  But, he’ll have to hold on just a damn minute because there’s no doubt that Roy has a big case of the Red ass after losing to Cincy last week and he’ll be out to set things right.  Trouble is, he didn’t pitch that bad in the loss, but had no support behind him.  No guarantee he’ll be getting it on Tuesday, either.

Wednesday, May 5th, 7:05pm

Rodrigo “Neville” Lopez, RHP (1-1,4.50) v. Brett Myers (1-2, 3.82)

Lopez throws a lot of junk and is wily and skulks around and will sneak a knife on the field and that kind of shit.  He was a non-roster invitee that won a spot in the rotation, so that says something for him.  Or, that Arizona is shit out of luck, one or the other.  He’ll be going against Myers who has been pretty steady and hasn’t lost his shit even once this season, though I’m predicting something gets thrown or kicked by the All-Star break.

Thursday, May 6th, 7:05pm

Dan “Percival” Haren, RHP (3-1, 4.50) v. Wandy Rodriguez (1-3, 3.64)

Haren has reportedly had control issues this year, both on the mound and with his bowel movements, so he’s working on getting his shit together.  All in all, he’s still the dominant pitcher of last season and a damn good hitter, too.  Wandy has had back spasms of late blamed on mechanics and over reliance on hot coffee enemas.  He’s trending a little better in his last several starts, so hope springs eternal if you’re an Astro.

Injury Report

Arizona:

Kris Benson: right shoulder strain (a Gucci purse will do that, Kris).

Conor Jackson: strained hamstring.  Serves you right, you cocky little shit.

Miguel Montero: torn meniscus despite an outstanding name.

Leo Rosales: stress fracture in foot.  Ignorant bastard.

Brandon Webb: shoulder stiffness complicated by piles and the Yellow Jack.

Houston:

Alberto Arias: done with a torn rotator cuff.  Go make yourself a fucking sandwich or something, Alberto.

Chris Johnson: strained intercostal.  What a load of horseshit–get your ass up and run, Johnson.

Wandy Rodriquez: back spasms my ass.  Pitch or be deported.

Giveways:

Tuesday is “Two for Tuesday” or some other lame ass bullshit.  Otherwise, Pam ain’t giving away shit due to being away at another conference for busy executives or something.

Astros team president, Pam Gardner (front row, far left) at a recent organizational sales retreat.

Other items:

Mills is dicking around with the lineup, moving Lee to third and other stuff.  Couldn’t hurt.  Maybe an animal sacrifice or a return to a lard enriched diet at the post game spread would be worth a try.

Dave Clark is teaching the outfielders how to jump up and catch balls going over the fence or going off the fence and such.  Next week’s topics: how to hit the cutoff man and correct etiquette for requesting a happy ending in Milwaukee.

Manzella has been booting balls a lot and Mills decided to sit him.  “Hey, Tommy: if you want to kick balls around, Round Rock is a damn good spot for doing it.”  Not really.  Everett had a bit of a tough time the first time that he got called up, so it’s not unexpected for Manzella to struggle.  Still, it would be a good thing if Tommy could kind of get his shit together.

I suggest both Red Stripe and Modelo Especial for outdoor patio drinking sessions this time of year.  They go good with practically anything, excepting Skyline Chili.  For that, I recommend strychnine.

Richard Boone was a highly underrated actor.  Watch him in opposite Paul Newman in “Hombre” and you’ll see a humdinger of a performance.

I took the missus to see Chelsea Handler a few weeks ago and I’m pretty sure that I was the oldest person there, at least the oldest straight male, represented in shockingly low numbers.  Lots of good looking twenty and thirty something females all dressed up and giggly from a few too many Cosmos.  If you were a young heterosexual male and stationed yourself outside the exit as the show ended, it would have been similar to bears catching salmon swimming upstream.  

There’s a helluva baseball team in Austin right now–the Longhorns have been beating the shit out of everyone–they’re now over 20 wins in a row.  Look for crowd shots at Omaha featuring JimR. and MRaup shirtless, holding John 3:16 signs.  Or, maybe just holding on to something cold and frosty in a cup that tastes like summer and baseball and good times.