Let’s not be coy: the Cubs are terrible. Historically, perennially, comedically and currently terrible. But they, other than a Cubbiesque, boneheaded decision to use a reliever in a starting role in Game #2, just kicked the ever-lovin’ shit out of the Astros at home.Read More
CHICAGO 9, HOUSTON 5
April 13, 2011
Minute Maid
HOUSTON (SnS) – I was smoking a nice big pipeful of Oaxacan this one time, in this really cool jade-green ceramic bong a friend of mine had brought home, from a trip to Morocco I think it was. Mauritania? Mali? Anyway, this was a long time ago, back when I would occasionally indulge in this sort of anti-social behavior. I was reloading the brass and porcelain bowl for the second or fifth time that evening when to my horror I noticed that one of the cannabis buds I was handling bore a striking resemblance to a then current Chicago Cubs starting pitcher. Read More
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
FTC 2
Astros 11
W: Myers (1-0) | L: Cubs. All of them. And their fans.
HR – Colvin (2) off Myers
I must admit that I was not looking forward to my week on SnS this week. Not only was I going to have to watch this dysfunctional Astros team, sans manager for the night, square off against the odious Cubs, I was slated to write the next series preview. A four-gamer. Against the transparent Padres. But the evening started well: I accidentally left the balance of my lunchtime salad at the restaurant, so I ordered Star Pizza instead, grabbed a brew and settled in for the game. There was no point in being all doom and gloom; after all, this is the Cubs. And boy did they put on a show!
Myers had a rocky start to the 1st inning, allowing two singles to put two on with one out. Skinnyass Ramirez hit one deep but lacked the juice to get it out of the park. Myers struck out Pena to end it and was cruising from then on. He pitched 7 innings that were mostly drama free despite giving up 8 hits including a dinger to Colvin (who one-handed one into the RF seats). He earned a comfortable win, and has gone at least six innings in every start so far this year…
Meanwhile, the hilarious Cubs were trying to sneak a reliever past the Astros, starting James Russell. Aided by some comedic defensive work, notably from that fuckstick Soriano, the Astros dropped a 3-run frame on Russell despite Lee’s best efforts to kill every rally of the evening (in this case, with a swinging strikeout at a slow pitch down Broadway). The highlight of this inning was a 2-run, 2-error, “double” by Hall, that saw Soriano boot the ball in left and Barney miss a tag on a stationary Hall (after he’d fallen over trying to reverse to 1B). The Cubs would be charged with 3 errors on the night, but they could easily have posted double figures.
Oh, and Soriano whiffed to lead off the next inning. Hehehehe.
The Astros struck hard and fast, scoring 3 in the 1st, 2 in the 2nd and 2 more in the 4th. Fast was the operative word, as the speed of the Astros’ top three hitters had the Cubs in a world of panic. Russell lasted just 1 2/3rds innings, yielding 7 hits and 5 runs (4 earned). He was up in the zone all night, except when he was airmailing them to the backstop, and the Astros took full advantage. His replacement, Big Bird Samardzija, fared better, but the game was long gone before he threw pitch #1, so he was just killing time.
Myers and the Astros ticked off the innings until the bottom of the 8th, when they treated the Cubs’ 5th reliever of the night (including the “starter”), John Grabow, wather wuffly. Up to this point, a seemingly high number of the Astros’ whacks had gone into the RCF alley. This inning, however, they treated replacement CFer Johnson to a tour of the cavernous reaches of MMPUS, with Q and Pence both sending him chasing for deep flies that he would come agonisingly close to catching…but not. 4 more runs would score, including a RBI for Lee (with a groundout, of course…he went 0-5 but did make some nice plays at 1B).
Another Rodriguez got himself into some bother in the 9th but, given the 10-run lead he had, it was really just a case of leaving him in to get it over and into the books. 2 hits, a walk and a run later, that’s where it was.
Tomorrow night, Home Wandy will try to put the rubber on Zamboner.
Notes:
Myers got a hit, scored a run and has hideous facial hair.
Fulchino pitched a solid inning, but his ridiculous barbs are still no match for Myers’.
Lee played 1B and J-Mike fielded in left. Between them they were 1-10 with an RBI.
Of the starters, only Lee and Johnson went hitless. CJ also posting the Astros’ error on a swirling pop-up near to the Astros’ dugout that he left for Q and Q left for reasons unexplained.
Bourn (2-5, 4 runs), Sanchez (4-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI) and Pence (3-5, 4 RBI) did most of the damage at the top of the order, although Quintero had a nice 3-3, 2-run night. He also got the Astros’ sole walk.
Soriano went 0-4 with 2 Ks and an error. I hate that stroker.
Marlon Byrd had a 3-3 night going before being double-switched out of the game. His replacement went on the aforementioned outfield walkabout. Cubs pushing all the right buttons as usual.
The recap title comes from this song of futility, that springs to mind for when the Cubs come around.
Monday, April 11, 2011
FTC 5
Astros 4
W: Dumpster | L: Figueroa | S: Marmol
HR – Hall (1), Sanchez (1)
Gamezone (Much better than this recap)
Nelson Figueroa made his second start of the season tonight. His first didn’t go so well. I know, I recapped it. This one was a leeeeeetle better, but not much worse. Bursts of runs flew out of his mighty palms in each of the first 2 innings, digging the Boys a hole deep enough that their attempts at heroics fell achingly short.
Frustrating, to me anyway, was how good Nelson looked at times. He was able to stop the bleeding in both of his crooked innings but when you’ve opened the wound, applying the tourniquet is of little solace. He went four giving up 5.
The lineup was not to go lightly, despite Dumpster making them look pretty bad early on. The “chipping away” began in the 5th with a Downs RBI single. The real hope came with 1 out in the 7th when a pinch-hit HR by Hall, followed by another dinger a screaming double by Bourn, THEN another dinger by Sanchez chased Mr. Flippyglove from the game. A Pence walk and a Lee single kept the hope alive but the effort fell short with a Wallace F7 and a Johnson 4UFO.
Both bullpens performed very well but of course, being down by 1, the Astros lost. Fuck the Cubs!!!
Well, that’s going to do it for tonight’s recap so for now, I’d like to leave you with this Moment of Zen:
My apologies to Paul Revere, however, there is no greater fear a city has than to be overrun with John Q. Idiot Cubfan himself. Why, just the other day, a few of my favorite SnS friends and I were sitting in The Flying Saucer, preparing for a rousing home opener against the Marlins, when who walks in, but Mr. Cubfan. Now obviously, he had no fashion or common sense, sporting a Cub hat and jersey into a bar full of Astros fans, but what do you expect? He is a fan of the baby bears. These poor suckers just don’t have a chance. Loveable losers? Hell, no. Just plain dumbshits. Not that you need more proof, but here is just a little something about that team that plays Wrigley:
**Disclaimer: No I did not spend my freakin valuable time compiling this shit. I am therefore not liable for any mistakes. Blame John Q. Cubfan.
Probable Pitching Matchups
Monday, April 11 Ryan Dempster RHP 0-2, 6.59 ERA vs Nelson Figueroa RHP 0-1, 10.13 ERA
The Trash Receptacle has had a rough start to the season, giving up 16 hits and 10 earned runs over 13.2 innings. He has had a history of struggling against the hometown nine, sporting a team BA of .302 lead by Lee (.369) and Bourn (.361). Figueroa is even 1-2 against him. While this news is encouraging, Cub batters have an even higher average against Nelson. However, Fukudome (.556 in 9AB) is on the DL, so that would lower the team BA from the lofty .319 they have against Figueroa (nine Cub batters hit .319 or higher). His last two starts versus the Cubs last year yielded two wins for the ‘Stros, lets hope he continues this streak.
Tuesday, April 12 James Russell LHP 1-0, 0.00 ERA vs Brett Myers RHP 0-0, 2.03 ERA
Russell gets his first major league start against Myers and the Astros. Last season, he did appear twice in the first inning, relieving Wells after six batters with no outs, and Silva after one out, but did not last more than 4 innings in either appearance. Expect to get to the bullpen early in this one. As a reliever, he has posted a 0.00 ERA and .000 slugging percentage against five current Astros. He faces Myers!Myers! He’s our man! If he can’t do it, no one can! Baker (.667), Soto (.375), and Byrd (.300) have had success against Brett, although he holds the team to a .201 average. Myers is 10-3 with a 2.21 ERA with 103 Ks against the Cubs in his career.
Wednesday, April 13 Carlos Zambrano RHP 1-0, 5.25 ERA vs Wandy Rodriguez LHP 0-1, 6.55 ERA
Zambrano got his first ever major league win against the Astros in a relief appearance on September 21, 2001. Since then, he has gone 14-8 with a 2.63 ERA and 172 Ks and I learned to hate him with a special hate that I reserve for cocksuckers like him. It is not often that a man debases himself on the level of a Zambrano implosion, so when he blesses us with yet another idiotic display, we must embrace it as only a Zambrano hater can. This just never gets old…..
It goes without saying that I literally puked when I found out that yahoo computer draft stuck him on my fantasy team, but I figured, I would suffer the pain, the embarassment, the shame, if it shows the BBGs I will take one for the team.
Rodriguez bounced back from a forgettable first start of the season by giving up only 1 earned run over seven innings in his last start against the Marlins. Wandy needs to be careful around his opponent, Zambrano is 2 for 9 with a HR against him. Several other Cubs hit Wandy around pretty bad, with Baker (.455) and Soto (.357) leading the team among those with double digit ABs against Rodriguez.
Injuries
Cubs–Randy Wells (forearm) and Andrew Cashner (shoulder) are on the 15 day DL and are out until the end of April. The Dome of Fuku has a pulled pork sammich and is not expected to be available for this series.
Astros–Nothing new here. I keep hoping that the Castro injury was some bad dream brought on by an overabundance of Sonic chili dog and tater tots, but no such luck. Don’t know why he is on the 15-day DL instead of the longer one. Joining him are Keppinger (foot), Arias (shoulder) and Barmes (hand), none of which is expected back until late April or early May.
Promotions and Giveaways
Pam has come up with an brand new marketing scheme. Mad Hatters Days. Anyone wearing a Cubs hat will be lined up in front of MMPUS for other fans throw any variety of rotten fruit, vegetables or eggs at them, earning the one who plasters them with a free ticket for that night’s game. If the Cub hat is on backwards, you earn TWO free tickets to the game…… Oh, no? It is Price Matters Days? Crap that is old hat. In fact, it is available every Monday through Thursday for every home game. I guess they figure there will be enough AIS from the plethora of Cubfandom that will fill the stadium with cheers for the baby bears. What we need is something to draw in Astro fans so that cheers for the home team aren’t drowned out by shouts for Marmolade or Zam-IamsofatIneedamanbra-no. Geez, Pam, get your head in the game…..
Weather
To spout your own Cub jokes, join us in the GZ.
Astros 7, Marlins 1
April 10, 2011
Minute Maid Park
W: J.A. Happ (1-1)
L: A. Sanchez (0-1)
J.A. Happ became the next Astro starter to perform well and the first to get a win in the 2011 season with the gem he pitched against the Marlins. After giving up a double and run-scoring single in the first, Happ was able to negotiate the vagaries of Jim Joyce’s enigmatic ‘strike zone’ and hold the Fishmen to just two hits and four walks before leaving the game in the eighth with a 7-1 lead.
This one was truly a team effort. Every starter had at least one hit; Happ became the third Astro pitcher to have two and he knocked in the go-ahead runs with a ringing double off of the Jut of Eternal Peril in the fourth inning. All told, the Astros slapped 16 hits and reduced Marlin CF Chris Coghlan to diving for balls like Flipper.
It wasn’t all a hit parade though. Threatening in the fifth, the Marlins had runners on first and second with no outs and the pitcher up, trailing 3-1. Expecting a bunt, Happ threw a fastball up and away, where Q took it and lasered a throw to catch Helms easing back to the bag for an electric pickoff that took the steam off of the Fish. Sanchez bunted foul to strike out and the threat was done.
The performance on the mound by Happ was the real story of the game. From midway in the second he was able to tease the hitters with his high fastball, then come in and down with the curve or cutter, tying them up and making them try to hit his pitches. Despite his four walks, Happ never gave in and he was comfortably pitching his game all the way through.
Hilarity and hijinks ensued in the bottom of the seventh in true Joycean fashion. Puzzling strike zone notwithstanding, HP Ump Jim Joyce felt the need to show us that it really wouldn’t be a game without an umpire when Marlin reliever Edward Mujica plunked Bill Hall on the ass with his first pitch. Confident that this was two-day-old retaliation for Hall’s slide into Hanley Ramirez, Joyce immediately ran Mujica to the consternation of many. In the ninth, Aneury Rodriguez put one on Gaby Sanchez’ posterior on a 2-2 pitch, his second one inside, and was ejected as well. Fortunately, the Iron Hand of Jim Joyce was there to Preserve Order and Safety, and the game continued with no further incident, except that both teams had to burn another reliever.
Next up are those whiny losers the FTC. Follow the fun in the Game Zone.
