It’s a question commonly paired with major historical events.   Where were you on September 11, 2001?  How about January 28, 1986? Or November 22, 1963?  July 21, 1969?  Hell, one of us can even remember April 14, 1865.

We all have these personal memories of largely shared events.  They’re snapshots of history – ways to remember innocence lost or enlightenment won.  The kind of stuff Toby Keith writes songs about.

So where were you today?

Did you hear it on the radio on the drive to work?  To school?  Did a friend tell you?  Or did you stay up late last night, hoping for confirmation?  If you’re like me, you’ve probably clicked ‘refresh’ a thousand times in the last 12 hours, eagerly lapping up every drop of information.

I was the second person to find out – in the world.  Yes, me.  I knew before Obama.  I’ll give you the scoop.  So grab a chair, shut off your phone and set your brains to ‘remember.’

It’s true: Ebby Calvin is writing the Reds preview.

I’ll wait for you to change your pants.  Remember to breathe.  It’s ok, news like this can take a while to sink in.  You ok?  Good.  Now onto the

Houston Astros (11-17) vs Cincinnati Reds (14-14) Series Preview

Projected Starters

Monday, May 5, 2011

6:10pm CST, Great American Smallpark

J.A. Happ (1-4, 6.35) vs Mike Leake (3-0, 4.40)

J.A. Happ’s a lot of things, but at least he’s not a thief.  Which is what Mike Leake is.  A dirty, rotten, shit-for-brains thief.  He’s also a pretty good pitcher, even though he’s a Red and a thief.  He’s gone seven innings in each of his last two starts, the most recent of which he struck out 12 Brewers.  But hey, Norris struck out 11 Brewers yesterday, and Norris isn’t a dirty, rotten, shit-for-brains thief who eats Skyline Chili for breakfast.  So Norris > Leake.  And I think we can all live with that.

Happ hasn’t handled himself heroically, hence his high hearned-hrun-haverage.  He dominated the Reds April 5, giving up only seven runs in four innings.  And he’s lost his last three.  So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.  But he’s an Astro, and even though I don’t know where to find his splits against current Reds hitters, I can confidently assume they all hit under .100 against him with no home runs and no RBIs.  Those seven runs in April were all unearned, thanks to seven four-base errors in RF by Blinky.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

6:10pm, CST

Aneury Rodriguez (0-0, 6.75) vs. Sam LeCure (0-1, 4.57)

I’ve never been a Cure fan, and I sure as hell wouldn’t like them more if they were French, so fuck Sam LeCure.  This looks to be his last start before Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey return to the roster, so once again, fuck Sam LeCure.

The Aneurysm (see what I did there?) is taking over for The Jheri-Curled-One, after Figueroa couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.  This’ll be Aneury’s first start of the season, after which he’ll change his name to Ezequiel Astacio for consistency’s sake.  Because really, what will Milo call him?  Aneury-ie?

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

11:35am, CST

Brett Myers (1-1, 3.72) vs Travis Wood (1-3, 6.82)

In Wood’s last start, he gave up seven runs in less than four innings against the Marlins, so he’s hot right now.  This looks to be his last start before Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey return to the roster, so once again, fuck Sam LeCure.  I mean Travis Wood.  Fuck Travis Wood.

Myers continues to throw six or more innings in each of his starts, despite recently giving up three solo taters to the Brewers for his first loss.  But Myers’ performance is hardly graded by his win/loss record.  His job is to keep the Astros in the game for as long as possible, then let the bullpen fuck it up.  So far, so good.

Injury Report

Astros

Arias is due back in May, which means he’ll be back in September.  It just wouldn’t feel right with him healthy.

Castro’s still hobbling around on crutches.

Keppinger will be ready to punish some weak-ass shit later this month.

Carlos is day-to-day after running into the forcefield surrounding Angel Sanchez.

Wilton Lopez is due back any day.

J-Mike (hate that nickname) is rehabbing his dislocated left shoulder, due back mid May.

Shiteaters

Jose Arredondo (right shoulder) is on a minor league assignment, and thank God for that, because who knows what he’d do to the Astros.  Seriously, does anybody know?  No fucking clue who Jose Arredondo is.

Homer Bailey (right shoulder) will be back on May 10.

Jared Burton (right shoulder) is out for the year.  Don’t care.

Johnny Cueto (right shoulder) is due back soon.

Fred Lewis (right oblique) might be back for this series.

Scott Rolen (left shoulder) will be back mid-May.  Apparently he was showing off his ambidextrous motion to the rest of the circle jerk above.

Juan Fransisco (still not in playing shape) is a fat ass.

Promotions

Fucking nothing, except for Wednesday, when it’s Tri-State Centers for Sight Senior Citizen Specials.  There’s a JimR joke in there somewhere, I just know it.

In Other News

Some terrorist guy died.  You heard it here first.