Only 5???

Posted on May 19, 2011 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Astros 2, Cardinals 4
W: Kyle McClellan, L: J.A. Happ, S: Fernando Salas

I was shocked to realize the Astros have only lost 5 in a row. It seems like more. Then again, they are 2-8 in the last 10 games. I also don’t think going across the border (Northern one) is going to be good for them.

Happ pitched okay (8 strike outs), even the bullpen was okay. They were in no way great, but my expectations are incredibly low and getting lower after each game.

They’re still shitty.

If I had gone to a game with friends these topics might have been discussed:
–Bridesmaides– That movie is fucking hilarious. It was funny. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
–Sandcastle contest– First weekend in June, Galveston, Texas. Good times.
–Graduations– One niece graduated from Texas State last weekend and one nephew graduates from high school Memorial Day weekend.
–Dancing with the Stars– Who do you think will win? I’m betting on Hines Ward. Dude can move. He’s got a really, really nice body too.
–Vacations– Anyone taking one? I have no idea what I’m going to do but have some options thankfully.
–Boys– We always talk about boys.

Meet the Fockers: Astros @ Cardinals Series Preview

Posted on May 18, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Where better to go at the low point of a low season than Shitbird City? I’m ready. Bring it on. Let Jim Crane see how much work needs to be done. Let that $650 million dollar hole in his pocket gape in awe at what’s now filling it. But let’s also shut these redheaded, eye-infected fucks up.

——

It's a fixer-upper

I know how Jim Crane feels. I mean, not in the sense that I have enough money for Limey’s drinking, Alkie’s whores, and Jim’s hip replacement(s) in my couch cushions, but I get it, man. We’re in the process of buying a house right now. A ninety year old house at that. The current owner is flipping it after putting a fair amount of money and effort into dressing it up and making it more livable. But like a certain recently departed Grocer, he did it on the cheap. Bad wiring? Bury it in spray-in insulation. Termites? Paint over the rotted wood. Overweight, overpaid LF? Make him a team of sombrero-wearing mascots! Wait, which side of this analogy was I on again?

The point being that Crane has the next few months to inspect. And reinspect. At all levels. Minor league. Major league. Front office. Back office. He’s going to find things he wants to change, and other things that make him smile, because they’re the reasons he wanted to own a major league team in the first place. The previous owner neglected things, to be sure. But like houses that have “good bones”, this team has good pieces to build on. Not necessarily from an on-field talent perspective. God and Baseball Prospectus know that Oklahoma City has about as much talent as the collective cast of Glee, but there’s still Bobby Heck, and Ed Wade, and Jio Mier, and Telvin Nash, and all the other promising kids collected under their watch. Preserve that spirit, those bones, and this house will be alright, in time.

By the same token, though, I fucking hate house shopping. I hate telling financiers how much (or little) I make. I hate standing around trying to look like I understand when the roofing guy talks to me like I’ve ever been to the High Degree of Difficulty aisles at Home Depot. I hate the nickel and diming on closing costs. I hate the way it’s completely taking over my life. And I really fucking hate this Astros season. It’s proving every nay-saying jackass right (in their mind), and it’s becoming almost comical in its predictability. But if this is what we go through every two decades in order to have a 2005 once in a while, then so be it.

Here are the keys, Jimmy. The Lil’ Pumas have already been fumigated. I hope you don’t fuck it up.

Probable Pitchers

Wednesday, May 18th

7:15 CT, Awesome Brewery Bill Blocking Stadium

Bud Norris (2-2, 3.42) v. Kyle Lohse (4-2, 2.31)

Kyle Lohse looks like he touches himself during MMA matches. That little chin-dot goatee. I bet he can’t grow a real beard. Collectively, the ‘stros hit .255 against him, but Carlos has 5 dingers off him, which would be great if he still knew how to hit them. The immortal Brett Wallace hits .667 against Lohse, probably because Lohse gets all transfixed by DAT ASS!

Bud is the Card slayer. I expect a complete fucking game here, for obvious reasons.

Thursday, May 19th

12:45 CT, Screw You I’m Drinking Southern Star RIGHT NOW Stadium

J.A. Happ (3-4, 5.40) v. Kyle McClellan (5-1, 3.62)

Don't we all?

Why are goatees still popular? McClellan has one. He looks like a douche. He probably wears cargo shorts to dinner, and lets the waitress sit down at the booth while she explains the snapper special. Hell, he probably asks for that waitress every time. Hunter loves him, which probably means his breaking stuff is for shit. Bill Hall is over .350 against him, which means that he has a magic pitch that can be hit even when it’s way out of the strike zone. Also, McClellan’s Baseball-Reference page is sponsored by Cardinal-birthdays.com. That’s so damned sad I almost can’t even make fun of it. Almost. Imagine a party where the party planner is purported to be the best party planner in baseball party planning, except the cake tastes like taint, and the clown falls asleep drunk and has communicable diseases.

Happ was totally worth trading for Berkman straight up. *ducks* Pujols and Holliday both hit him well, so the bully should be glad to know that there probably won’t be a lead to defend when they’re called upon.

Injury Report

Astros:

Alberto Arias: Missing in action. Chuck Norris currently searching.

Jason Bourgeois: Strained oblique. Had plasma injecction. Dammit, not another superhero movie.

Jason Castro: Out til September. Not a good year to be a Jason in Houston.

Jeff Keppinger: Our last and best hope is almost back. If only he could pitch the 7th, we’d be golden.

Brandon Lyon: 15 day DL (suck)

Shitbirds

Bryan Augenstein: 15 day DL. Strained groin. I think you can write the rest of this joke.

David Freese: Broke left hand. Wait, I think these two might be related!

Nick Punto: Right forearm flexor strain. What the hell kind of orgy was this?

Colby Rasmus: muscle strain in midsection. The butthole’s in the midsection, right?

Skip Schumacher: right triceps strain. I mean, seriously? Is it all just wanking arms and one groin?

Brian Tallet: broken bone in right hand. Oh my lord. I’m starting to feel sorry for Augenstein.

Adam Wainwright: ligament damage in right elbow. Wow. Just wow.

Prrrrrromotions!

NONE WHATSOEVER!

What to watch for:

A mercifully short series.

Swing and a Miss

Posted on May 17, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps

Monday, May 16. 2011

Astros 2
Braves 3

W: Hanson | L: Abad | S: Kimbrel

HR: Downs

In my sometimes twisted imagination, I visualize Jim Crane slapping his forehead and asking, “what the hell did I buy?”

For the first game after the official announcement of the sale of the Astros, the Braves welcomed them in to their cavernous park filled with seats but no people. Fresh off a home series loss to the fucking Mets and Brett Myers on the hill, perhaps the idea of the new regime would help spark the team. Perhaps not.

I can’t figure out if Myers pitched well or was just lucky. He did actually pitch well but had to survive bases-loaded situations in each of the first 2 innings and was lucky to come out of them without giving up a run.

Hanson, on the other hand, had the Astros wishing for some luck as his changing speeds and pinpoint (Braves-style) location left them staring agape or swinging wildly.

Despite giving up only 3 hits and fanning 10 through 7, the line-drive solo HR by Downs in the 5th had Hanson behind just as Myers was hitting a groove. The groove didn’t last long though, as the early innings of heavy work seemed to catch up to him in the 6th. 2 singles to start the frame turned into 2 runs when all was said and done and the thin Astros lead was gone.

The boys got one back to tie it again in the 7th after Lee reached on an error and Mighty Matt Downs plated him with a double to the gap in LCF. But as we all are keenly aware of, handing a game to this bullpen is like handing your car keys to your teenage son.

“Dad, I had a little accident. Nothing horrible but I need a ride home.”

Anyway, Abad coughed up the go-ahead run rather quickly in the bottom of the 7th and the Braves bullpen, including their newest redneck closer made the lead stick.

One more on this “excuse me” 2-gamer tomorrow afternoon at 12:05 CDT.

Astros at Braves – What Is This? Asshole Teams Of The NL East Week?

Posted on May 16, 2011 by MRaup in Series Previews

So far this season, it seems like the Astros are all about missed opportunities and blown leads. The Mets series last weekend is a perfect example.

Friday night, the Good Guys led 4-0 heading in to the seventh inning, before Fulchino and the rest of the bullpen proceeded to bumblefuck their way to a final score of 6-4 (and wasting a pretty solid 6 innings of shutout baseball from Bud Norris).

Saturday, JA Happ and company managed to piece together a decent looking ballgame, and the bullpen and bats held up on their way to a 7-3 Astros win.

Sunday, looking for the series win, the wheels officially came off in the fifth, when Aneury Rodriguez’s no-hit bid was rudely broken up to the tune of 5 earned runs in an inning (4 in the fifth and another in the sixth without getting anyone out. The slapdickery in the fifth started in earnest when Carlos Lee, playing first, twiddledicked a high pop up right on top of the mound in to an error, running past where the ball was coming down and letting it fall harmlessly to the ground. Some scattered offense made things interesting, but the Goddamn Fucking Mets nailed down the win, 7-4.

I don’t think things are going to get much better in the near future, either.

The Edifice of Greed – Turner Field (Easily my favorite nickname of a ballpark)

Monday, May 16, 6:10pm FS-H HD, DirecTV-678

Tuesday, May 17, 12:05pm My20-“HD”

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Monday

Brett Myers (1-3, 5.01) v. Tommy Hanson (4-3, 2.51)

Mr. Myers has really scuffled this season to find any kind of consistency. he’s 0-3 in his last three starts, with an over 8 ERA. That’s pretty rough. And the news doesn’t get better against the Bravos, either.

As a team, the Braves hit Brett to the tune of .337, with an OPS of 1.085. Chipper Jones (12-38, 3HR), Nate McLouth (5-11, 3HR), Brian McCann (12-36, 2HR), Dan Uggla (14-40, 5HR), Martin Prado (4-7), and Alex Gonzalez (7-23) all knock him around pretty good. This one could be ugly.

Tommy Hanson wants you to come on in here, have a seat on that stool right over there. All hilarious child molester jokes aside, this guy is an asshole. He’s absolutely dominated the ‘Stros in his career, giving up just two earned runs over 23 innings, with 18 strikeouts.

And if you need any more evidence, the Astros as a team sport a .152 average (7-46) against Tommy. Yuck. Clint Barmes (1-3, 2B), and JR Towles (1-3) are pretty much the only highlights to mention here.

Tuesday

Wandy Rodriguez (2-3, 3.98) v. Derek Lowe (3-3, 3.73)

Wandy’s numbers aren’t great, but they’re not terrible. He’s been victimized by both himself and the spotty bullpen more than once this year, and is his usual inconsistent self. You never know which Wandy you’re going to get.

Wandy’s had a lot of success against the current Bravos. They sport a .242 average (29-120), and the power numbers are pretty ugly as well (OPS: .639). Erick Henske (2-2), David Ross (6-18), Nate McClouth (6-20), and Martin Prado (4-14 are the only ones with decent success against him other than Chipper (4-15, 2HR).

Derek Lowe is apparently still in the big leagues… Who knew?

The Astros hit a respectable .313 (30-96) against Derek. Kabong (16-38, 2HR), Bourney (6-13), and Thunderpants (3-9) all hit him pretty well.

And on a more personal note, I think that Derek Lowe should make a lot more effort to look like Rob Lowe, as to avoid confusion. Frankly, I think Derek Lowe is a two-seamer-throwing asshole.

Promotional Giveaways This Series

Monday – Buck Belue 5 Buck Night – On Mondays this season, get a Terrace Reserved seat, normally priced at $24, for only $5. That’s right: a lower level seat for just 5 dollars! That’s a savings of 79%! Not 80%, not 78%. 79%!

Tuesday – 2 for 30 Tuesdays! – Get 2 seats in the GMC Club Pavilion for $30. On other nights, these tickets are $28 apiece – that’s a 46% discount!

Jesus Christ, the Braves Promotions Department is apparently Nerd Central. Do you idiots really think anyone that lives in/around Atlanta knows what the hell a percentage is?

Ridiculous Fantasy Injury Report

Houston:

Alberto Arias – His arm is still fucked up.

Boojwah (I spell it like that because I don’t want to bother having to click back and forth 10 times to make sure I spelled it right. That’s right, this took less time to type than his name) – Fucked up oblique. He had plasma injection therapy on May 10th. That sounds weird as hell.

Castro – His knee is still fucked up.

Keppinger – Almost back from a fucked up foot.

Brandon Lyon – His arm is ALL fucked up.

Atlanta:

Brandon Beachy – His last name is fucked up.

Jason Heyward – Day to day with a fucked up shoulder.

Chipper Jones – He’s a day to day cocksucker. And his knee is fucked up. But mostly he’s a cocksucker.

Kris Melden – His arm is fucked up, Tommy John style. Also, has anyone seen Kris Benson lately? This guy seems like he might just be Kris Benson with a cleverly altered last name.

Peter Moylan – His back is fucked up.

Random Musings

I used to really like Dan Uggla. His swing-your-ass-off approach at the plate used to really entertain me. Now he’s a Brave. Fuck Dan Uggla.
The Astros are getting less and less watchable as the season goes on. Whenever the bullpen is handed a lead, it seems like it’s more a matter of when they’re going to blow it than if. That is shitty shitty baseball to watch, unless you really like betting on bullpen implosions. In that case, I bet you’re a rich, rich man
My hockey playoff run is over. The Wings gave San Jose all the wanted, but got behind in game 7 and couldn’t catch up. I’m very hopeful that the Wings GM will use some of their cap space to can a few of the shit-heels that play on the blue line and sign some young talent… I’m looking at you, Ericcson.
Lastly, I always wait until the last second to write these previews. It’s 5:53pm right now, and I’m almost finished. I hate rushing my way through, but at the same time I find that my style of writing tends to work a lot better when I’m in a hurry than when I sit and try and think of witty shit to write.

Talk about today’s game in the Gamezone!

Stinkin’ It Up On A Sunday Afternoon

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

W Capuano (3-4)
L: Rodriguez (0-2)
HR: Barmes and who gives a hell

The Good Guys started out in control, threatening to win a series at home against the hated steM. Leading 2-0 in the fifth, Aneury Rodriguez was throwing a no-hitter and had only walked one. A muffed popup to the mound, muffed out of confusion and poor play, proved to be the first thread in Rodriguez’ undoing. “I lost my concentration. That’s what happened. I lost my concentration, because I tried to do too much,” was the familiar refrain.

Also losing their concentration in the inning were Towles and Bill Hall. With runners on the corners and two out, Towles threw to second in hopes of erasing Jose Reyes on his Little League-like attempted steal. The poor throw was fielded by Hall and Jason Pridie scored from third standing up to make it 4-2. Highly rebarrassin’.

Brad Mills was unable to provide an answer and the chain-whipping continued with a three-run homer in the sixth to make it 7-2.

The Astros doubled New York’s hits – ten to five – but had nothing with runners in scoring position, going 2 for 13. On to Atlanta, where no doubt more hilarity awaits.

Mets at Astros – UnMet Expectations

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

It’s Friday the 13th and the goddamn New York Mets are in town. What could possibly go wrong? Man, I don’t care if the Astros and Mets were playing across the road from me in the neighbors’ cow pasture, I wouldn’t go to that game. I’d rather stay inside with my two black cats, sit under a ladder, and break mirrors than venture out on Friday the 13th while the bumblefuck Mets are in town.

You never know what might happen when the Apple-knob-polishers are around. You might trip and accidentally commit a four-base error, or accidentally get in a Ponzi scheme, or divide by zero and crash the stock market. Some dumbshit might agree to pay Bobby Bonilla a million fucking dollars every year until the next Ice Age. And what the hell, maybe invest a gazillion dollars in Carlos Beltran. He’ll never get hurt. Or strike out looking.

So stay the fuck away from this series. Wait till the next homestand and see some other dumbass team like the Dodgers; at least you won’t run the risk of being infected by the festering ball of suck that is the New York Mets …

… who, by the way, just won two out of three in Denver against the Rukkakes. The mile-high finale featured three homers from the Ponzi-Rican whore. Ouch. On its face, you could say he was making mountains out of mole hills. He erupted, even.

Now the shit-heel Mets have made their way to Houston. It took a while though, because they had to hock the team jet, of course. Instead, they had to co-charter a bus with an Asian tour group in the Rocky Mountains. They had to stop at every interesting place along the way. Luckily that’s a shitty, uninteresting drive or they never would have made it in time.

Well anyway, when the Astros played the Mets a few weeks ago, I thought “Man that team looks like runover dogshit.” And of course that applied to both teams, but I meant it about the stupid fucking Mets. But I just looked at the standings and there are four other teams in the NL, not counting the Astros, who are worse than the Mets. Now it’s probably just a seasonal variation, like El Nino or whatever the hell. By the end of the summer the Mets will be firmly locked in the NL East cellar, just begging for a lick of the Nationals’ balls. Of course by that time, the Astros may be asking the same thing of the Pirates, so I guess be careful what you wish for.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, May 13, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Saturday, May 14, 3:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, May 15, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Other than the usual package deals and fireworks and shit:

Friday – A pink Astros tote bag. No thanks, though I’d take one if it had a Mets logo. Then I could use it to scoop cat shit AND be environmentally conscious. Seriously, if anyone ever finds a Mets tote bag, send it to me. I promise to post photos. And I have a lot of cat shit at my house.

Saturday – A Chris Johnson pink bat bobblehead. Nice try, but meh. I realize they have to do bobbleheads for someone, but I don’t think Chris Johnson has earned one yet.

I think they should do a Hunter Pence Four-Base Error Bobblehead, except not only the head, but all the feet, arms, legs, and hands would bobble too. And a little baseball could bounce from one to the other, then finally just roll across the floor and go all to the way to the wall.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Dillon Gee (2-0, 3.80) v. Bud Norris (2-2, 3.16)

Gee pitched two no-hitters for Cleburne High School and also played at UT-Arlington. But he’s a Met now so fuck him. All I need to see is the orange “NY” on his cap, and “fuck him.” I’m not normally such a perfect judge of character, but when it comes to Mets, I’m golden. Anyway, he’s never faced anyone on the Astros, so, you know …. fuck him.

Norris is 1-1 against the Mets, and he faced them earlier this season and got a no-decision that the team came back to win. The Whore is 3-for-6 with two doubles off Bud, and Jose Reyes is 3-for-7. Scott Hairston, Daniel Murphy, and Josh Thole all have homers off him. Whoever those guys are. Oh wait, I’ve heard of Hairston, I just meant to forget him.

Saturday
R.A. Dickey (1-4, 4.50) v. J.A. Happ (2-4, 5.75)

Dickey has already lost to the Astros once this season. And it’s time to break out our secret weapon Met-Killer Joe Inglett, because he’s 4-for-7 with two doubles against Dickey. Carlos Lee is 7-for-18 with three doubles and a homer. Hunter Pence is only 1-for-9 against Dickey, but the one hit was a homer.

Happ is 1-2 in five appearances against the Ponzis. Beltran is 4-for-13 with two homers off him, and David Wright is 6-for-11 with two doubles and three homers. Ouch. On the plus side, Mets fans will still be paying for those homers in higher ticket prices through 2050.

Sunday
Chris Capuano (2-4, 4.93) v. Aneury Rodriguez (0-1, 5.50)

Capuano has a 5-4 record in 10 appearances against the Astros, but some of those games were back when Biggio and Bagwell were in the starting lineup. Current Astros are a weak 10-for-61 (.164) against him, with the only homer coming from Chris Johnson. In fact, at 2-for-6, Johnson is the best Astros hitter against Capuano. Too bad we can’t let the weekend broadcast team bat against him.

Aneury went two innings in relief against the steM earlier in the season. He only gave up one hit but it was a homer to Ike Davis. However, Davis is on the DL and won’t be in this series. No one on the Mets has more than one AB against Aneury.

Injury Report

New York – Ike Davis is out until later this month, and Angel Pagan should be back for the summer solstice. Bobby Parnell and Pedro Beato are on rehab assignments. Johan Santana is out. David Wright was doubtful for the last series so might still be hurting.

Houston – Jason Michaels should be back for this series, and Keppinger is on a rehab assignment. Arias, Bourgeios, Lyon, and Castro are still on the DL.

Balls in the Dirt

* I know I’ve bitched about this before, but the worst part of writing series previews is that I have to spend time at the opposing team’s website. For fuck’s sake, I’ve just spent an hour or more on the goddamn Mets website. I feel so dirty, I want to uninstall this unclean browser and install a new one like Chrome that’s never been to the Mets site.

* Or maybe I could invent a new Firefox extension that searches your history and removes any mention of the Mets. I’ll call it UnMet, or Sweep the Mets.

* Or Fuck the Mets.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

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