Wow, that was bad

Posted on June 10, 2011 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Cardinals 9, Astros 2
W: Lance Lynn, L: J.A. Happ

I really cannot think of anything good to say about the Astros in regard to this game. I can usually come away from a game and say one player or another did well, but I am not seeing it right now.

I know what this team is and good it is not. But I seem to have a hard time reconciling how bad they really are. It is going to be a horrible next two years and that is making the assumption that there is talent being drafted that are going to become productive major league players.

I believe there were 5 bases-loaded situations for the Astros in this series and they scored a total of 2 runs out of them. (Someone else can find that stat because it has frustrated me enough seeing it happen.) You have got to be kidding. That is worse than “bad situational hitting.”

This game for some reason was the worst. Not sure what it was but it seemed like the Astros had no heart in it. I think that is what is giving me problems.

Hey, Bud! Let’s party!

Posted on June 9, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Wednesday, June 8th, 2011

Turds 1
Astros 4

W: Norris | L: Garcia | S: Melancon

As shitty a game as last night’s steamer was, tonight’s game was tasty. Sure, winning vs. losing makes it on it’s own but no, tonight’s game had great pitching, great defense and some timely hitting (in spots), things this team rarely seems to put together all in the same game. They did tonight and it was fun to watch.

The centerpiece, young Bud. His dominance of the shitbirds is documented but tonight, he really had it going. In non-typical fashion, Ks were down, walks were up, even as he seemed to have command of every pitch and despite putting men on in the 1st, 4th, 5th and 6th, his defense had his back with 3 double plays and he survived them all. He kept the ball down for the most part, daring the Turds to chase, roll over or take and it was pretty damned effective.

Out of the gate, the line-up was a bit more typical. Lead-off doubles in the first 2 innings led to nothing and when Kepp singled with 1 down in the 3rd, you could almost mail in the result. But Hunter has fancy plans, and pants to match! His 10-pitch AB was a thing of beauty, ending with a crushing drive to center, way the fuck over the head of apprentice hot-dog Colby Assmunch and landing at the top of Tal’s Hill. By the time Rasmus and his sherpa retrieved the ball and got it in, Pence was adjusting his cufflinks standing on 3rd. A GO by Lee plated Pence and it was 2-0 after 3.

On to the Astros 5th, Boojwah decided to create some excitement. A sharp grounder down the third base line that in the 1st went for a double, was nicely snagged by 3B Carpenter but his throw was just late. Booj promptly stole 2nd and when Kepp lined out to right, the jets fired and he slid into 3rd ahead of the throw. Pence’s ground out failed to plate Booj but after a walk to Lee, Michaels singled to left to give the boys a 3-0 lead.

Did I mention the defense? Kepp and Barmes were plenty busy tonight and steak dinners should be on Bud’s platinum card. Defensive plays have to be seen and not described but one play in particular stands out and really added to the suspense of what we were watching. Top of the 7th and the 2-3-4 hitters for the Jakes are up. Bud is dealing to the tune of 0 0 0. John Jay poked a flare to the left side of the infield that to my eye, looked to be the one that would break it up. But Barmes launched himself to his right and snagged the shit out of the ball, keeping Bud’s flirt with glory intact. After a deep fly ball to CF got Pooholes out, Lance Berkman strolled to the plate.

I’m trying to think of what to write here…I want to say some things but then I don’t want to make this about Berkman, that cocksucker. I’d rather make this about Hunter ‘cuz the kid came a couple of scant inches from saving this thing. He tracked Twinkie’s deep drive to right field and timed his leap at the wall perhaps just a bit too soon as the ball dropped just beyond his glove.

No-no no more. Shut out gone. But Bud wasn’t shaken at all. He finished the 7th with a Rasmus infield pop then went on to retire the side in the 8th with just one more walk. Melancon closed it out with a 1-2-3 9th for his 6th save.

Great game! Big effort by all involved and it showed. Let’s hope they do it again tomorrow night and send the Jakes home with a beefy shitburger!!

STANDING ON THE VERGE OF GETTING IT ON

Posted on June 8, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps, News

CARDS 7, ASTROS 4
June 7, 2011
MMPUS

Westbrook (W, 6-3)
Myers (L, 2-5)

HOUSTON (SnS) – The Astros fell to the rival St. Louis Cardinals here Tuesday night, 7-4.

In what is becoming a familiar script for recent Astros games, the home team acted like it might be about to do something a time or two but, lacking serious firepower, came up short. Once again.Read More

Like Your Jeans Say: Cards @ Astros Series Preview

Posted on June 7, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Bud Selig at the podium

The biggest Astros highlight of the week has already happened, and it happened not on a baseball diamond, but in a climate-controlled soundstage in New York at the MLB draft. While next years’ draft, with its probable top-5 pick will produce even more scrutiny and hype, this year’s draft had its share, too.

We got some UConn Huskie (like his jeans say) outfielder whose closest MLB comp is our very own Face of the Franchise, Hunter “Hit Like Jimmie Foxx, Field Like Redd Foxx” Pence. I’m excited that he’s supposedly a slugger, but the bastard better have a head on his shoulders, or else we’ll have two Golden Retrievers patrolling the outfield at MMP and pissing on the rug.

In today’s draft, we got the pitchers that everyone was bitching about us not drafting yesterday. Fuck that noise. There wasn’t a Strausberg to be found this year, at Strausberg prices or otherwise. Be happy with 30 homers in 2015, you dumb fucks. First person to say “Uncle Jimmy” gets a kick in the nuts.

Still waiting for Justice’s engorged ego to spooge out the requisite “Why didn’t they draft Jungmann” column. Also waiting for 2013, when Jungmann gets Tommy John and retires to go sell Chevys for Buddy Garrity, and Justice is writing “Isn’t this Springer kid fun to watch” columns by the bushel.

Probable Pitchers:

Tuesday, June 7th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Jake Westbrook (5-3, 5.15) v. Brett Myers (2-4, 4.82)

Jake the Erstwhile Indian has seen the Astros infrequently, with a mild amount of pounding, just like a Cinemax flick. Carlos, Hunter, and Wallace all hit over .400 against him. He also looks like the kind of asshole who’d pour you a weak drink because he doesn’t want to share his “top shelf” Macallen 12. I went to a wedding this weekend where the whiskey was poured generously into wine glasses instead of highballs. That’s a damn celebration.

Myers. Scraggly chinned bastard better be hurt. That’s all I can say. I loved his gutsy 2010 campaign, so this year is just hard to digest. Pujols, Tyler Greene, and Skippy Schumacher all hit him pretty well. But the once and former Puma is only .167 against him, so that’s pretty good.

Wednesday, June 8th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Jaime “Jamie” Garcia (6-1, 3.05) v. Bud “Dub” Norris 3-4, 3.95)

Garcia is one of those frustrating Jake pitchers who you’d love to have in your own rotation, but is an absolute asshole to face. Still, Hunter’s one hit off of him is a dinger, and Angel Sanchez loves his weak-ass shit, at least half the time.

Budly continues to string together good starts, but I kinda have the feeling that he’s reached his peak as a starter. Which isn’t all bad, and not entirely unlike the expectations for him coming up. Against the Jakes, he’s notoriously good. Rasmus and Pujols are both .250 or lower against him.

Thursday, June 9th

7:05 CT, MMPUS

Lance Lynn (0-1, 8.44) v. J.A. Happ (3-7, 4.65)

Lynn looks like he just got caught masturbating to Xena on Channel 39. And he pitches like a wanker, too. He’s their 1st rounder from 2008, so obviously the Duncan Magic Touch just isn’t working yet. He hasn’t faced the ‘stros yet, and the less said about that, the better.

Happ’s having a rough year, but he’s pitching better than his numbers indicate, for what that’s worth. Let’s just call him Wandy 2.0 and move on. Molina and something called Allen Craig hit him well, but Schumacher and The Riot are sub-Mendoza.

Injuries

Astros:

Alberto Arias: recording his comeback album with Rick Rubin

Jason Castro: resumed baseball drills. This comes via Ron Brand, who’s almost as old as Jim, so who knows if it’s really Castro or just his male nurse who’s playing catcher.

Brandon Lyon: rehabbing the injury to his Suck Muscle.

Humberto Quintero: The worst injury to this team all season. You know I’m not joking.

Wandy Rodriguez: Scheduled for a rehab start tomorrow night.

Co-Ards:

Bryan Augenstein: strained groin. From masturbating to Cleopatra 2525.

Lance Berkman: sprained right wrist. From trying to stop the back door from slapping him on the ass on the way out.

David Freese: Broken left hand. From masturbating to Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

Matt Holliday: strained quads. From asskicking received from Bruce Campbell for masturbating to Jack of All Trades.

Gerald Laid: Broken finger. From masturbating to M.A.N.T.I.S

Kyle McClellan: strained hip flexor. From masturbating (poorly) to Renegade, starring Lorenzo Lamas.

Nick Punto: Right forearm flexor strain. Hit off a tee recently. I think we all know what that means: Masturbating to Babylon 5.

Adam Wainwright: ligament damage in throwing elbow. Masturbating to Highlander.

Promotions:

Thursday: free haircut coupons. They were going to do a cup of soup and a free hat.

What to Watch For:

My lazy ass at the game tonight. If I’m sitting in front of Patti again, I’ll be the one mouthing “Chuck can blow me”

Pujols probably going yard.

Some great baserunning by the Cards. Fucking Towles.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

He’s Not The Messiah!

Posted on June 5, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Padres 7, Astros 2

W:Latos (4-6)
L:Lyles (0-1)

Maybe not having this one on TV was a good thing. Plagued by shaky command early on, Jordan Lyles’ second start started off rough as he gave up three runs in the first inning and only lasted four. The 31 pitches in the first inning were more than he could overcome. Despite tightening it up as the game wore on, Lyles threw 96 pitches in only four innings and the game never was in doubt, similar to Saturday’s tilt.

FotF now has a 17-game hitting streak. Wallace was the only Astro with more than one hit, a single and a double. Bourn stole two bases, giving him 25 so far. Boojwah returned to play a little LF and he stole another, his 13th.

Lyles will get what could be his last start of this stint with the big club on Saturday against the Godless Red Devils from Georgia. With any luck the cavalry will be there to help run those fuckers back to humid nights on the reservation with plenty of firewater and itchy blankets to keep them company.

Off day Monday before those whiny shits from Jakeville pull into town.

ON THE VIA DOLOROSA AGAIN

Posted on June 4, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps, News

PADRES 6, ASTROS 3
June 4, 2011
Petco Field

WP – Harang (6-2)
LP – Rodriguez (0-3)

SAN DIEGO (SnS) – The game was close most of the way, but never at any time did it seem realistic to think that the Astros might actually come back and win the thing. Read More

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