I don’t get much sleep.  Didn’t get a lot before I had kids, get even less now.  It’s not for worry or stress or any physical ailment – I just don’t need more than five hours to operate properly.  And if I don’t need all that sleep, why waste several hours a day with my eyes shut?  I can use that precious alone time to take classes or exercise or clean the house.  Or I could watch late night television.

Late night television has evolved from the spray-on hair and Chuck Norris ab-machine infomercials.  Maybe “evolved” isn’t the right word – that implies progress.  I’ll use “expanded” instead, that’s better.  You can still find obnoxious people hawking their wares on many channels – but there’s now a whole new spectrum of idiocy being broadcast to insomniacs and late-night baby-feeders.

Do you like cake?  Of course you do – everybody likes cake!  Guess what – there are no less than 45 reality cake-making shows to watch.

How about truckers – like them too?  Great!  Check out Ice Swamp Truckers or Llama Bean Haulers or whatever Noun Noun Professionals cable television has discovered in the last two weeks.

I got really excited the other night when I came across what I thought to be a multi-part documentary on the horrors of playing shortstop for the 2007 Astros.  I was envisioning in-depth interviews with Adam Everrett and Carlos Lee, but it turned out to be some really intense Alaskan crab-fishing show.

Anyway, I get tired of all that shit, and unless the Astros are on the West Coast my options are essentially poker or alphabetic cop show reruns.  So I started recording Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations reruns.  It’s an interesting program, and it’s cool to see new places and follow the natives’ customs.  I’ve been a fan for a while.

The other night I watched the Namibia special.  I won’t butcher Namibia’s culture or history by pretending I learned something about either.  It’s in Africa, that’s about all I know.  At some point, Bourdain flies out to literal BFE to hang out with a small tribe of Bushmen.  They wear loincloths and live off the land and eat anything they can hunt or gather – like the wild warthog they killed that day.

Bourdain describes it as the worst meal he’s ever had in his life, and I believe him.  The warthog head was delicately prepared by hacking it off and shoving it into an ash pile for a couple hours.  The other parts – limbs, stomach, heart, etc – eaten al dente.  And the delicacy – the part generously offered to the lanky visitor – was the rectum, shit barely squeezed out.  Bourdain graciously swallows all of it and thanks the tribesmen for their hospitality – but the expression on his face betrays his words.  He’s clearly disgusted.  He’s having to ingest something foreign and raw, and there’s nothing he can do about it.  He wants to get the hell out of the desert and back to reality.  He feels…just like Astros fans feel this season, staring up at the Pirates in the standings.  It’s like eating unwashed, lukewarm pig rectum, shit barely squeezed out.

But hey, good for them. Sure, they’re dirty.  Yes, they’re behind the times.  And smelly.  And toothless.  They talk funny, too.  But it’s difficult – even tacky – to hold it against them.  It’s nice to see such an impoverished people enjoy their feast.  Good for the Pirates.

Projected Starters

Tuesday, June 14.  7:05pm @ MMPUS

Jeff Karstens (3-4, 2.94) vs. Bud Norris (4-4, 3.67)

Karstens is a Red Raider, which means he’s one of the few who can count Pittsburgh as a hometown upgrade.  He’s been pretty salty his last two starts, going seven strong against both the Phils and the DBags.  He doesn’t strike out a lot of batters, but he has only seven walks on the season (54.1 IP).  He hasn’t faced the Astros yet this season.

The Norris took a no-no into the 7^th vs the Turds last week and he’s won his last two.  He took the loss to the Pyroots on May 7, but that was after a 7IP, 3ER, 9K line.  This matchup looks to be a pretty darn good one.

Wednesday, June 15.  7:05pm @ MMPUS

Charlie Morton (6-3, 3.08) vs. J.A.H.A.P.P. (3-8, 5.04)

Morton grew up in a large family on the outskirts of Flemington, NJ.  He was the youngest of eight brothers and often overlooked as a child.  The older seven were a tight-knit group and rambunctious – little Charlie just got in the way.  So he spent most of his time watching Spanish novellas on the old black-and-white in the storeroom of his father’s hardware shop (Charlie’s father, Ignacio, thought the women were beautiful).  Charlie loved the garish clothes the actors wore and vowed, at the age of nine, to be a seamstress when he grows up.  It’s a dream he carries to this day, and his locker is often draped with bright pink and turquoise and yellow linens – a testament to a childhood fantasy that will come true some day.  Some day.

Jay Happ (ahhh, much better) got roughed up the Jakes last week, but the bullpen allowed two or three of those.  He got roughed up the week before vs the Padres, and I’ll assume the ‘pen fucked him there, too.  Ummm, other than that he’s been ok, I guess.  Hell, you watch the games, I can’t sugar-coat everything, I don’t want to lose credibility.

Thursday, June 16.  1:05pm @ MMPUS.

James McDonald (4-4, 4.80) vs. Jordan Lyles (0-1, 4.15)

McDonald threw six scoreless vs the Astros in May, so he’s due to get lit up.  At one point his ERA was over 10, but he’s slowly worked it back down to respectability.  Shit, I’m just looking at a stat sheet.  I see a lot of sixes and a lot of twos.  Put it this way – he’s not Cliff Lee and he’s not Brandon Lyon.  Could go either way.

Lyles makes his fourth start and he’s done pretty well for a 20-year-old.  Think back to when you were 20.  You weren’t doing this.  I sure as hell wasn’t.

Injuries

Pirates – Alvarez, Beimel, Crotta, Doumit, Harrison, Hart, Meek, Ohlendorf, Pearce, Snyder.  Masturbation joke.

Astros – Arias, Castro, Q.  That’s it??  Really?

Promotions

Price Matters for all three.  9 Inning Lunch Break on Thursday.  Meh.

Odds & Ends

Fuck the AL.  We ain’t goin’ and you can’t make us.

25 Years

Astros vs. Braves series preview, part 2 (June 11, 2011).

While there are a lot of things to write about regarding the game tonight, I find myself coming back to the same topic: Brownie and JD. Probably doesn’t hurt that it is Broadcaster Bobblehead night, or that the Astros will be celebrating Bill Brown’s 25^th year with the club, but thoughts of the Astros broadcasters have been with me a lot this year.

While I am a big Vin Sculy fan, and find myself tuning into an occasional Bob Uecker broadcast as well, I cannot imagine a better team of broadcasters for the Houston Astros than Bill Brown and Jim Deshaies (with the occasional dash of Greg Lucas into the mix). Sure, they are very good at what they do, but it is something more than that.  To an extent, they have become extended family.

Every April through September, we invite them into our home and spend a couple of hours with them.  Personally, I’m always glad to see them, and miss ‘em like hell those four to five months a year they go on hiatus during the off-season.  In a weird way, they also tie us together.  Even when my mom is out of town and unable to watch a game on TV, I’ll still get texts asking about how the Astros did, but the primary questions are almost always about what humorous diversions JD and Brownie came up with for the evening.  There is always something to report, they never seem to disappoint.

I haven’t a clue what changes new ownership is going to make to the team, but if I had to chose one thing, and one thing only, to keep the same, it would be the combo of Brownie and JD in the booth (though I’d at least urge them to keep Bagwell’s Saturday home game appearances in the mix as well…).

Thank you for an entertaining 25 years Bill Brown, I hope there are plenty more to come!

Minute Maid Park:

Lyles vs. Minor:  Saturday, June 12, 6:05 p.m (Central).

20-year old Jordan Lyles makes his home debut for the Good Guys in this, his 3^rd major league start.  He’ll be matching up against 23-year old LHP Mike Minor, who will be making his 13^th major league appearance (12 starts).  Minor is 0-2 on the season with a 5.06 ERA, 1.68 WHIP, and a .388 BAA. He has faced the Astros once in his career (2010), and got a no-decision in 6 innings, allowing 5 hits, 4 runs, 3 earned runs, a walk, and 5 strikeouts. Brett Wallace is 1-2 against Minor with a double, but of course he will almost certainly be on the bench because, well, Minor is a LHP and that would be Mills’ MO for the 2011 season.

Injury report:

The Good Guys are still without the services of Castro and Q behind the dish and Wandy and Arias in front of it.  Hunter left last nights game with tightness in his lower back, but is in the lineup tonight for Houston.

Amazingly, the Braves DL does not include one Larry Wayne Jones.  It is littered with the likes of Martin Prado (“staph” infection, so they say), Nate McLouth and Brandon Beachy (strained each others “obliques,” if you buy into the Braves reporting anyway), Jayson Heyward (sore shoulder), and Peter Moylan (bulging “disk,” uh-huh).

Promotions:

Tonight is a Coca-Cola Value Zone night (as are every Friday and Saturday night in 2011), which means for $20 one receives a Mezzanine ticket, hot dog, 20 ounce Coca-Cola product and an Astros cap.

The real story on promotions is, however, this Brownie and JD Broadcaster Bobblehead (in case you’re wondering which is which, its on the right), which will be presented to the first 10,000 fans.  I know you’re probably thinking there is no way that the Astros will draw 10,000 fans, so you should be able to pick one up whenever you show up to the game, but such thoughts would be in error.  Brownie and JD Bobblehead people – that there is reason enough for even the most idiotic of Houston fans (yes, I realize the import of this comment) to show up for.

Discussion:

Though its been a tad slow in the Game Zone as of late, this is a Lyles start and Bagwell will be in the booth, so I’d imagine there’ll be plenty of banter there this evening.