SERIES PREVIEW

Odor’s Pseudo-Suspended Sore Vulva @ We Just Took a Road Series from the ChiSox So Fuck the Rangers

May 20-22, 2016

The English language is constantly evolving: nouns get used as verbs, verbs get used as nouns, and subordinating conjunctions get used as prepositions.  Some of these emerging behaviors have become so ubiquitous in the vernacular (side note: “ubiquitous in the vernacular” sounds like either a promising follow-up to “Insane in the Membrane”, a really sick burn, or a great double entendre, e.g. “I’d like to get ubiquitous in her vernacular, if you know what I mean”) that Oxford English Dictionary officially recognizes “Google” and “Photoshop” as verbs.  “Facebook” hasn’t quite made it there yet, so the pending apocalypse is not yet imminent.

Those are positive examples, though, and it’s not usually a good thing when someone’s name morphs into a different part of speech.  At a previous job I had a coworker to whom I will refer as “Debbie” because that is her real name and I really hope she reads this someday.  She was the admin assistant for a higher-up and used to raise all sorts of hell about the smallest of things.  One day another coworker saw that I was a bit flustered by something and, without really thinking about it, I just happened to say, “Debbie’s going all Debbie again.”  My coworker understood instantly and no elaboration was necessary.

Little did I realize that “going all Debbie” would spread like wildfire at the office.  The shorthand acronym “GAD” quickly became common among my coworkers so that it could be used around Debbie, and it eventually became lowercase and evolved into a term that could be used about anyone who got irrationally upset about minor things; for example, “Sorry, I was going to work on that today but Steve is really gadding it up right now.”  The term survived her retirement and was still in use (both written and verbally) when I left a while later.

I heard on the radio this morning that the Rangers and Arlington will announce plans to build a new retractable roof baseball stadium within the next few years.  Such a stadium would replace The Ballpark in Arlington Ameriquest Field Rangers Ballpark in Arlington Globe Life Park, which only opened in 1994 and is leased to the Rangers through 2023.

My very first thought was, “That’s so… Rangers.”  There really isn’t a more succinct way to put it;  “Rangers” as an adjective is just so all-encompassing that other words fail me.

Now, any idiot can see that of course the Rangers need a retractable roof stadium.  Granted, in 1994 the Rangers would have been relative early adopters of retractable roof technology since the SkyDome was the only stadium of its kind in MLB at the time, and the next retractable roof stadium would not open until 1998.  Still, to have the technology available and instead spend $191 million on an open air park in Texas for a sport primarily played during the summer is… well… very, very Rangers.

I’ve also been casually wondering if the lifespans of the 1990’s-2000’s “stadium boom” stadiums would be any different from their predecessors.  I had to figure they would last quite a bit longer since the expectations for amenities haven’t yet changed much over the last 20 years, or at least not as much as they did from the 1960’s to the 90’s.  For instance, it’s pretty hard to imagine the Astros replacing Minute Maid Park in 14 years.  The public is also increasingly more aware of the drawbacks of publicly-funded sports stadiums.

It figures that the Rangers would be the first team to dump their modern stadium.  (I don’t really count the Braves leaving Turner Field since it was sort of Frankensteined together after the 1996 Olympics.  “The Ballpark” was purpose-built from the outset.)  Even better is that it’s an objectively nice stadium plagued by only two real problems (the fans that inhabit it and its geographic proximity to the Metroplex) and is very well-liked by many Ranger fans I know.  That they’ll kick this one to the curb after less than 30 years and likely try to drop at least half a billion dollars of taxpayer funds on new digs is decidedly Rangers.

Other things that are so Rangers:

• Getting all pissy about Bautista’s bat flip after giving up a devastating home run in the playoffs
• Waiting until Bautista’s last AB of the season against them to plunk him
• Fuckhead second baseman with a well-document history of ridiculous fucking slides starting a brawl when he gets a taste of his own medicine
• Declaring themselves the master race of baseball in the Lone Star State after two near-championship seasons and decades of mediocrity
• This bullshit
• Whining about divisions and time zones ‘n’ shit
• Making the Round Rock Express cream themselves about their shiny new affiliation

Fuck ‘em.  And my proposed entry in the Oxford would read:

Rangers, adj. (ˈreɪndʒərz)

1. candyass
2. chickenshit

Friday, May 20 – 7:10pm CDT
Colby Lewis (2-0, 3.12) vs. Lance McCullers (0-0, 9.64)

Lewis has been a reliable arm for the Rangers this year, with seven of his eight starts being of the quality variety.  The team has only won half of his starts though, either due to low run support or his bullpen blowing loads leads.  Although the Astros didn’t do terribly against him in 2015 (4.15 ERA, 6 HR in five starts) he did go 4-0 against Houston.

McCullers got the call in the crappy weather against Boston last Friday and got beat up pretty good, although it wasn’t unexpected given the dangerous Red Sox lineup and it being his first start of the season.  The Rangers also beat up on him in two starts last year, handing him two losses and a 12.79 ERA.  Both of those starts were in Arlington, though, and McCullers’ ERA at Minute Maid is 1.86, so fuck the Rangers.

Saturday, May 21 – 6:15pm CDT
Cesar Ramos (0-2, 4.32) vs. Mike Fiers (3-1, 4.63)

Career reliever Ramos was signed to a minor-league deal before spring training and is making only his third start on the big club.  His starts have been decent, if not spectacular: a quality start against the Yankees (Rangers lost 3-1) and giving up one run over 4+ innings in the brawl game.  He also has a couple of relief outings, most notably giving up four runs in the top of the 12th against the White Sox on May 9.  As an Angel in 2015 he made seven relief appearances against the Astros, pitching 6.1 scoreless innings.

Fiers is back in the rotation after working out of the bullpen during the Red Sox series.  He allowed two runs in four innings of relief work during the 10-9 shitburger game on Sunday.  His only career appearance against the Rangers was last August in Arlington, allowing six runs in five innings, but fuck the Rangers.

Sunday, May 22 – 1:10pm CDT
Cole Hamels (4-0, 3.10) vs. Dallas Keuchel (2-5, 5.43)

Hamels pitched 6.2 innings of one-run ball against Houston in April, largely aided by an Astros lineup that went 1×12 with runners in scoring position.  The lineup has been performing better lately, though, and Hamels can be gotten to: he has given up a combined five homers against the A’s and White Sox in his last two starts.

Keuchel shook off his recent blechh and held the White Sox to three runs in 6.1 innings on Tuesday.  The Rangers slapped him around for six runs in six innings earlier this year, but fuck the Rangers.

SERIES PREVIEW

Wretched Refuse of the Teeming Gulf Shore @ The Wretched Refuse that is Chicago’s South Side

May 17-19, 2016

Second-best team in the AL.  Fewest runs allowed in the AL.  A pitcher whose name rhymes with a song that is the perfect blend of catchy and annoying and will now be stuck in my head for the foreseeable future.

Yes, the White Sox are a good team, but it’s not terribly unlikely for the Astros to steal a couple in this series.  See below for the matchups.

Some X-factors in this series could be some recent roster moves.  Evan Gattis is back; Erik Kratz is sent fudge packing.  Preston Tucker is back in AAA; Tony Kemp has been called up.  It also appears that third base prospect Colin Moran will be in uniform in Chicago.  As of the time of this writing it’s not certain what the corresponding 40-man roster move will be; it doesn’t appear anyone is headed to the DL, so many are hoping it will be the dumping of a certain player who is next-to-last in OPS for qualified hitters.

Tuesday, May 17 – 7:10pm CDT
Dallas Keuchel (2-5, 5.58) vs. Carlos Rodon (1-4, 4.99)

There’s not a whole to write here that hasn’t already been said or written.  Keuchel is this year’s ace in name only; you could make a pretty solid argument that he’s a #4/#5 starter.  He did pitch extremely well against the White Sox last year, going 1-1 with a 1.13 ERA in two starts.  We’ll know by about 9pm tonight if that’s worth anything.

Rodon has been a bit inconsistent this year and is certainly prone to giving up crooked numbers.  He does eat a lot of innings, except against the Angels where he gave up five runs and didn’t make it out of the 1st.  He’s coming off a loss in Arlington where he allowed six runs and twelve hits.  Rodon was 1-0 with a 0.73 ERA against Houston in his 2015 rookie campaign.

Wednesday, May 18 – 7:10pm CDT
Doug Fister (3-3, 4.22) vs. Mat Latos (5-0, 3.40)

If you had said before the season that Fister would be the Astros’ best starter by mid-May, I probably would have said that could only happen if the other starters had met their ends in bizarre fashion (e.g. Keuchel’s beard getting lopped off in a freak toenail-clipping accident).  Nevertheless, Fister has indeed been the steadiest arm not named Will Harris.  He was at least spared from the shitshow in Boston, but was robbed of a win in last week’s 16-inning game against the Indians.  He has not faced the White Sox since 2013 but their roster is an aggregate .242/.315/.394 against him – not too shabby.

Latos was beastly to start the season, allowing just two runs in his first four starts spanning 24.1 innings.  He’s allowed 13 runs in his three starts since so there is cause for hope.  A newcomer to the AL, he has not had any meaningful recent appearances against the Astros, but Houston hitters are .397/.431/.647 against him.  Of particular note, a player named Carlos Gomez is 10×24 with two homers against him.  It should be noted that the OWA series preview desk cannot confirm or deny that this is the same Carlos Gomez currently occupying a roster spot in the navy and orange, so readers should .

Thursday, May 19 – 7:10pm CDT
Collin McHugh (4-3, 5.58) vs. Chris Sale (8-0, 1.67)

Let’s dispense with the usual format here.

Chris Sale has notched a win in every game in which he has pitched this year.

There is nothing good about facing Chris Sale.

SERIES PREVIEW

Tops Drop @ Sweet Caroline

May 12-15, 2016

Thursday, May 12 – 6:10pm CDT
Dallas Keuchel (2-4, 4.70) vs. David Price (4-1, 6.75)

After three straight poor starts, Keuchel saw a nice return to form against a Mariners lineup that has given Astros pitching fits.  Although it wasn’t enough to get the team a win, he lasted seven innings, only gave up two runs, and fanned eight.  Keuchel has only pitched at Fenway once, resulting in a quality start in 2014, and his only other appearance against the Red Sox was in 2013 when he gave up four runs in less than an inning.  As such, Red Sox hitters have pretty small sample sizes against modern-day Dallas Keuchel.

It seems unfair that Astros starters’ ERAs have been falling without them picking up W’s, while Price has that kind of record with that ERA.  He’s had a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde routine going, alternating between quality starts and giving up lots of runs.  Of course, the Sox score runs in droves and the run support has certainly shown up for Price, averaging 6.5 runs per game and bailing him out of some of his bad starts.  He historically did well against the Astros when he was with Detroit, and last year took a no-decision in a quality start that the Tigers would end up winning.  Of all currently active Houston players, your career OPS leader against Price is… Erik Kratz. /signoftheapocalypse

Friday, May 13 – 6:10pm CDT
Lance McCullers (2015: 6-7, 3.22) vs. Steven Wright (3-3, 1.52)

He’s back.  McCullers pitched five scoreless innings in a rehab start last weekend, allowing two hits, two walks, and fanning seven.  He only threw 64 pitches so I expect that he will not be allowed to throw a ton in his first start back; here’s hoping Keuchel can help the bullpen get some rest after throwing nine innings on Wednesday.  McCullers faced the Red Sox twice last July, each time going five innings and allowing two runs or less.

Wright’s next bad game will be his first: since the Astros last saw him he’s racked up three quality starts in as many appearances, and is coming off a complete game one-run effort against the Yankees.  He got away with walking five Astro batters in their matchup in April and ended up with a pretty effective performance that lasted into the 7th inning.

Saturday, May 14 – 12:05pm CDT
Collin McHugh (4-3, 5.50) vs. Clay Buchholz (2-3, 5.90)

In order to make room for McCullers in the rotation, McHugh’s start has been pushed back to Saturday and Mike Fiers will be available from the bullpen Saturday and Sunday.  Kind of sucks for Fiers who just pitched his best game of the season, but the rotation has shored up pretty well recently and someone has to draw the short straw.  McHugh has improved quite a bit since getting slapped around by Boston, winning three straight starts and shrinking his ERA by two full runs.  He lasted seven innings against the Mariners and only gave up one run while inducing twelve groundball outs.

Except for some inevitable strikeouts, the Astros didn’t have much trouble with Buchholz, and he’s remained inconsistent since then.  He gave up five runs against the Braves and 12.5% of their wins are now directly attributable to them.  He then pitched a quality start against the White Sox, and labored through five innings against the A’s and actually thought he was getting traded.  Oh, and he got the win because the Red Sox won that game 14-7.  You know, no big deal.

Sunday, May 15 – 12:35pm CDT
Chris Devenski (0-2, 1.72) vs. TBA; probably Sean O’Sullivan (1-0, 6.43)

What, ESPN, no Sunday Night Baseball because Boston?  And this week they’re not even giving the Yankees the time of day either.  I expected better different.

I didn’t realize this until just now, but Devenski has yet to pitch in a game the Astros have won.  Go look it up: in addition to the team getting shutout in two of his starts, they didn’t win a single damn game where he pitched (usually very effectively) in relief.  Can we get him some fucking run support already?

Fortunately this may be the right time for it.  Injuries in the Red Sox rotation prompted the team to start the portly O’Sullivan on Tuesday, and although no clear determination has been made at the time of this writing, he’ll be in line for Sunday if the schedule holds up.  O’Sullivan is one of the newest additions to the Sox and will be making his second start of the season.  By and large (pun intended) he has gotten torched at every stop in his career and had a 16:35 HR:K ratio in Philly last season.  In his first start he gave up a whopping (pun intended) twelve hits in six innings while allowing four runs.  Oh, and he got the win because the Red Sox won that game 13-5.  You know, no big deal.

SERIES PREVIEW

Mistake on the Lake @ Nothing Rhymes with “Gulf”

May 9-11, 2016

Monday, May 9 – 7:10pm CDT
Corey Kubler (2-3, 3.35) vs. Mike Fiers (2-1, 5.35)

Kubler has had a couple of rough games but has otherwise been pretty effective with four quality starts under his belt.  He has also been gobbling innings, only once going fewer than six innings and going seven or more four times.  His last outing was his best of the season so far, a complete-game shutout of the Tigers.  He was 1-1 with a 1.29 ERA in two starts against the Astros in 2015.

Fiers is coming off his shortest outing of the year – he didn’t make it out of the 5th inning in the 16-4 rout against the Twins.  He has never faced the Indians and their roster as a whole is only 3×14 against them.

Tuesday, May 10 – 7:10pm CDT
Trevor Bauer (2-0, 5.14) vs. Chris Devenski (0-1, 1.46)

Bauer started the season in the bullpen and only recently moved back to the rotation.  In two starts he took a no-decision (4 IP, 3 ER) in a game the Indians would lose to the Phillies, and picked up a win against the Tigers (5.2 IP, 3 ER).  Like Kubler, Bauer has given the Astros fits the last couple of years – in three starts he is 3-0 with a 0.90 ERA, and it was in his start at Minute Maid last year that he and three relievers nearly no-hit Houston, save for a one-out Jed Lowrie homer in the 9th.

The Astros seem content to continue starting Devenski in Feldman’s spot as long as both remain effective in those roles.  Devenski pitched six innings of one-run ball against the Mariners and was in line for a win before the bullpen imploded.

Wednesday, May 11 – 1:10pm CDT
Danny Salazar (3-2, 1.91) vs. Doug Fister (3-3, 4.54)

The closest Salazar has come to having a bad game was against the Twins, allowing three earned runs and not lasting through the 5th inning.  Other than that he has been great, including taking a four-hit shutout into the 8th inning against KC last Friday.  Even his losses haven’t been bad, both the result of poor offensive support in 2-1 losses.  The Astros missed Salazar in 2015, but in 2014 he had a 1.35 ERA and .174 opposing average in two starts against the good guys.

Fister continues to step up his game, notching his fourth straight quality start against the Mariners in a 6-3 win last Friday.  Be on the lookout, though: the Cleveland roster is .309/.354/.537 with nine home runs against him, and Michael Brantley, Rajai Davis, and Marlon Byrd have all hit well against him.

SERIES PREVIEW

First Place @ Last Place

May 5-8, 2016

I heard the train at Minute Maid
Its old, familiar “choo-choo” played
While balls flew long
From hitters strong
For peace on earth, more games to win.

Then came the unforeseen beatdowns;
The losses piled up in H-Town.
Success too small
Caused a shortfall
Of peace on earth and games to win.

We’d soon meet on the battleground
The team that hailed from Puget Sound;
They’re in first place
And lead the race
For peace on earth and games to win.

And in despair I cried and said,
“We’ve lost two games to these shitheads!”
They’ve won a lot
While we have not
For peace on earth, more games to win.

Then came the scores more oft and deep:
“The team’s not dead, but the road is steep;
The West shall fail,
The Good Guys prevail
With peace on earth, more games to win.”

Thursday, May 5 – 7:10pm CDT
Wade Miley (2-2, 5.06) vs. Chris Devenski (0-1, 1.45)

Miley Cyrus is the only M’s starter in this series that the Astros have not already seen this year.  He got off to a bit of a rocky start but closed out April with style, pitching a complete game five-hit shutout of the Royals.  Prior to that start his ERA was a full two runs higher.  The Astros have had some success against him: in 2015 as a member of the Red Sox he held them to one run over six innings, but as a Diamondback in 2014 he allowed four runs over five innings.  Altuve, Gattis, Gomez, and Marwin all have career 1.100+ OPSes against him, and with the recent offensive surge this could be a promising matchup.

Devenski drew the short straw to have his team get shutout with him on the mound.  He allowed two runs to the A’s over five innings in the tough luck effort.

If these next three matchups look familiar, it’s because they are identical to the matchups from last week’s series in Seattle…

Friday, May 6 – 7:10pm CDT
Taijuan Walker (2-1, 1.80) vs. Doug Fister (2-3, 4.60)

Last matchup (4/25): Mariners won 3-2

Astro highlights: Fister threw a quality start; everyone except Rasmus reached base.
Astro lowlights: 8 LOB, continually letting Walker and the M’s bullpen off the hook.

Since then: Walker allowed three runs (two earned) in five innings and took a loss against KC; Fister allowed one run in 6.2 innings and picked up the team’s only W in Oakland.

Saturday, May 7 – 6:10pm CDT
Nathan Karns (3-1, 3.81) vs. Dallas Keuchel (2-4, 5.11)

Last matchup (4/26): Mariners won 11-1

Astro highlights: Nobody died.
Astro lowlights: Innings 1-9.

Since then: Karns got a win in Oakland with a quality start; Keuchel looked shitty against the Twins.

Sunday, May 8 – 1:10pm CDT
Hisashi Iwakuma (1-3, 4.03) vs. Collin McHugh (3-3, 6.59)

Last matchup (4/27): Astros won 7-4

Astro highlights: McHugh was decent; bats tagged Iwakuma for 5 ER in 5 IP; scoreless relief outing for Giles.
Astro lowlights: 13 K’s at the plate.

Since then: Iwakuma beat the A’s, allowing one run over seven innings; McHugh fell one batter short of a quality start against the Twins but picked up a win regardless.

SERIES PREVIEW

AL Central Cellar-Dwellers @ AL West Cellar-Dwellers

May 2-4, 2016

It’s here: maybe the first truly seminal moment of the 2016 season.  A ten-game homestand against a terrible Twins team, a beatable Mariners team, and a sub-.500 Indians team.  Fuck the 8-17 record; if you’re going to mount a comeback it had better damn well start now.  The pitching is showing signs of life, but the bats better wake up.  Anything less than a 2-1 series win is unacceptable, and the Astros should really be eyeing a sweep here.

The Twins are a bit of a weird team statistically.  At 7-18 they are the worst team in the AL and only a half-game better than the MLB-worst Braves.  Their closest peers in team ERA are hanging around .500 or a few games better.  Their bullpen ERA just misses the top third in baseball, yet they lead MLB in blown saves (7) and are 2nd in losses (7).  Their offensive game isn’t too dissimilar from the Astros, although Houston’s is a touch better in most categories.  Like the Astros, at face value they are less than the sum of their parts, although the Astros’ parts are arguably better.

Can we see some bright spots to build on in this series?  Please?

Well… read on.

Monday, May 2 – 7:10pm CDT
Jose Berrios (0-1, 11.25) vs. Dallas Keuchel (2-3, 4.41)

Berrios is a 21-year-old, six-foot converted shortstop and a top pitching prospect for the Twins.  Of particular note, he won 14 games between AA and AAA in 2015 and racked up 175 K’s against 38 walks in 166 innings.  He made his MLB debut against the Tigers last week, allowing five earned runs over four innings.  He tops out at 96mph on his fastball with a slurve and a plus changeup, throws from a three-quarters delivery, and pitches aggressively.  Given the Astros lineup’s trouble with hard-throwing young pitchers – a (dis)ability that transcends time and rosters – I’ll be watching him on the mound while peeking through my fingers.  If there are any signs of hope here, it’s that he apparently struggles with his fastball command from time to time, and that this is only his second time facing big-league hitters.

Keuchel got hit hard by the Mariners in his last start, giving up five earned runs over six innings in the 11-1 routing that most of us didn’t stay up for.  He has done well against the Twins historically (2-1, 2.30 in three starts), and current Twins hitters that have faced him are just 10×49 against him.  Hope he has a good game tonight, because the bottom halves of tonight’s innings could be ugly.

Tuesday, May 3 – 7:10pm CDT
Alex Meyer (0-0, 18.00) vs. Collin McHugh (2-3, 6.65)

Meyer is another guy the Astros have never faced, making only his fourth big-league appearance and his first start.  He is a redwood standing 6’9” and uses his height to generate lots of power, throwing his fastball in the upper 90s.  He also throws a sinker, knuckle curve, and a slider that’s apparently particularly impressive.  His minor league K numbers are comparable to Berrios’s, having routinely been at or above 10 K per 9 IP throughout his career.  Like most pitchers his height, he does struggle with command more than Berrios and he’s gotten hammered in every big league outing he’s had.  In his only appearance this year he allowed two runs on five hits and two walks in just one inning of relief against the Tigers.

McHugh showed signs of improvement in his last outing in Seattle, allowing two runs over five innings.  We still need him to start working deeper into games, but a low-scoring outing is a low-scoring outing.  He has had success against the Twins, going 2-0 with a 2.00 ERA in three starts, including 7.2 innings of shutout ball last year.

Wednesday, May 4 – 7:10pm CDT
Phil Hughes (1-4, 4.45) vs. Mike Fiers (2-1, 4.97)

Hughes has been pretty solid for the Twins since 2014.  He gives up lots of hits but has been stingy on the walks the last couple of seasons, although he’s already almost halfway to his 2015 walk total.  He’s got four quality starts to his name this year, but his most recent start was his worst: four runs in five innings against the Tigers.  He also hasn’t gotten much help from his bats, already being on the losing end of two shutouts.  Hughes is a flyball pitcher, so with any luck some well-placed balls in the air in Minute Maid – where he has never pitched – can do some good.  He did not face the Astros in 2015 but they got to him pretty good in 2014, tagging him for three homers and five runs.

Fiers threw his best game of the year last Friday, holding the A’s to two runs over seven innings.  You could even make the argument that Fiers has been the most consistent Astro starter since the first week of the season.  He had good success against the Twins last year: in three games (two with the Brewers), he was 1-1 with a 2.08 ERA.