submitted by Bench

SEPTEMBER 8-10, 2014

Under new management, the surging Astros have taken four of five from the A’s and Angels and now head to the MLB hinterlands of the Pacific Northwest to continue playing the role of AL West SPOILER. The Mariners sit nine games out of first place in the American League West, but are in position to take one of the two Wild Card spots, which would be their first postseason berth since 2001. Currently the bunting tossers are tied with the free falling A’s, half a game up on the Tigers with the Yanks and Indians sitting within five games.  TO THE BILGE WITH THEM!

The current September version of the Astros seems light years away from last year’s September version, who swooned to a 15 game season ending losing streak.  However, last year the Astros managed to go 7-5 before ending with the 15 game crapper, so we’ll get a useless metric of illusory progress based upon how the last half of the month goes.

Meanwhile, Altuve continues his quest to cap one of the all-time great Astro offensive seasons by eclipsing Biggio’s club hit record of 210 hits.  Altuve leads the Major Leagues in batting average (.340), hits (198) and is first in the American League with 51 stolen bases. Carter continues his quest for 40 homeruns and an enormous arbitration award. The starting rotation continues to come together, and Qualls won’t be facing the A’s anymore.  This is actually kind of fun.

Monday Sep. 8, 2014
Safeco Field – 9:10 CT

Brad Peacock (4-8 5.01 ERA)

Great name, mediocre pitcher.  It’s like the opposite if Felix Hernandez were named Gerald Feltcher. But Brad has been pitching well over his last few starts, going 1-0 with 2.16 ERA in 16.2 innings.  Over his career, Peacock is 2-3 against the Crusty Seamen with a 6.98 ERA.   Ackley and Morales have hit him particularly hard.

Felix Hernandez  (14-5 2.18 ERA 37 BB 209 K)

He’s the fucking king.

Tuesday Sep. 9, 2014
Safeco Field – 9:10 CT

Collin McForkingHuge 8-9 2.89 ERA)

McHugh has continued to be McForkingHuge, going 4-0 with a 1.79 ERA in his last seven starts. Despite tossing that initial gem in Seattle when he was first called up, he’s been knocked around for a couple of losses in his last two bouts against the grog snarfing blaggards.  Time for some revenge.

Roenis Elias  (10-12 3.90ERA)

Roenis makes the most of the vowels in his name.  And he’s made the most of his work against the Astros, allowing only 3 hits in 19 at bats against the good guys. However, he hasn’t been able to pitch deep into games regularly which gives a chance to get into the downy seagull underbelly of the Mariners’ no doubt well rested bullpen.

Wednesday Sep. 10, 2014
Safeco Field – 9:10 CT

Nick Tropeano (naught)

And here is our September callup major league debut.  The 24 year old went 9-5 with a 3.03 ERA in 23 games (20 starts) at Triple-A Oklahoma City this season with 120 strikeouts and a .202 batting average against in 124 2/3 innings.

Hishashi Iwakuma  (14-6 2.97 ERA)

Iwakuma has been the 1-B to King Felix’s 1-A for the Cropswaggles this season. He’s scuffled as of late, dropping 2 of his last 3 games with a 7.24 ERA over 13.2 innings pitched therein. But historically he’s done well against the Astros – no great feat of course – with a career 4-2 record with a 2.56 ERA against the good guys.  Altuve hits him too, as has Dominguez.

Lawless seems to have the team on an even, relaxed keel.  By all media accounts he seems to be a charming person.  He also doesn’t give a fuck about your idea of pitching matchups which seems as anti-advanced data metrics as you can get:

Lawless, who spent a lot of time on the bench as a player watching former Cardinals manager Whitey Herzog, said he’s not big on matchups, such as left-handed pitchers have to face left-handed batters.
“If you can’t go out there and pitch an inning and get three outs, then maybe you’re not a Major League pitcher,” he said. “That’s why games are five hours long, because we drag them. Get three outs and play on.”

Hear hear. But really, is that the comment of someone in lock step with the organizational philosophy espoused by Luhnow and his collection of affectionately likeable nerds? Regardless, the team is playing well, having fun, getting some good experience for young up and comers and whippersnappers, and fucking over their rivals’ post-season chances in the process.  So far, it’s been about as perfect a September as a team that is no longer abjectly awful can hope for.

The burgoo gibees take two of three.

submitted by austro!

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma’am!

Los Angeles Angels of Anahem (83-53) @ Houston Astros (59-79)

After a nice, leisurely 3-1 series victory against the Rangers (suck it, bandwagoners!), the Astros host the Angels for a two-game quickie. One team is 30 games over .500, and the other is 20 games under: what could possibly go wrong? Whatever, it’s not Bo Porter’s problem anymore.

Tuesday, September 2, 7:10 CDT

C.J. Wilson (10-8, 4.46) vs Brad Peacock (3-8, 5.13)

Wilson is 1-0 with a 2.60 ERA in his last three starts despite giving up 17 hits and 11 walks in 17.1 innings. The Astros roughed him up on July 4, scoring 6 runs (on 3 homers) before knocking him out of the game in 4.1 innings. He had a couple of stinkers after that, too, but since then he has averaged almost 6 innings per game with a 3.34 ERA. The Astros have 118 plate appearances against him, so they have a pretty good idea of what they’re going to see. And Carter likes what he sees: he’s got a .364/.417/.727 line against Wilson with two homers and two doubles.

Peacock’s last two outings have been pretty good, although brief: 5.0 innings, 2 hits, and 1 earned run against Cleveland, and 5.1 innings, 4 hits, and 1 earned run against Oakland. Prior to that was one bad start, one good one, two bad ones, and a good one. So we’re probably due for a stinker. The fact that current Angels are a combined .302/.356/.491 in 59 plate appearances against Peacock isn’t particularly encouraging, especially since The Smirking Asshole is 2-5 with a double and a homer.

Wednesday, September 3, 7:10 CDT

Jered Weaver (15-7, 3.57) vs Collin McHugh (7-9, 2.99)

Jered Weaver has 15 wins? How did that happen? His worst start in August was a 4-2 loss to the Red Sox in which he gave up 7 hits and 4 earned runs. His other 5 starts have yielded 4 wins and a no-decision, with 32 hits and 10 runs (all earned) in 31 innings, so he seems to be on a roll. Current Astros have 59 plate appearances against him and have managed only a meager .164/.193/.345 line against him. Bleaaahhhh.

McHugh has been a very pleasant surprise this year. In his 21 starts, he has yielded 5 earned runs twice and 4 earned runs twice; everything else has been 3 earned runs or less. His August has been especially impressive: 8 earned runs on 37 hits in 37.2 innings, for a 1.99 ERA. Very nice work. His career numbers against current Angels are impressive, too: 62 plate appearances and a .185/.279/.259 line. The only blemish is, again, The Smirking Asshole, who is 3-7 with a homer and a walk against McHugh. Let’s hope nobody is on base when he comes up.

Injuries

Angels

The Angels have a whole bunch of pitchers on the DL, most of whom aren’t due back until next year (and one, Tyler Skaggs, who isn’t due back until 2016 because of Tommy John surgery a couple of weeks ago). The biggest loss, for both the Angels and one of my fantasy teams, is Garrett Richards, who did something that I still can’t describe when he went to cover first base on a ground ball, resulting in torn knee ligaments and an early end to the season. Joe Thatcher is the only pitcher who might be back this year; he sprained an ankle on August 23 and is just now starting to throw again.

Astros

There are seven Astros on the DL. Albers and Crain are apparently both throwing now, but I don’t expect to see either make an appearance this season. Cisnero and Zeid are out until next season. Presley and Downs are now on rehab assignments and should return to the team soon. And, of course, Springer, who has seemingly been on the verge of returning for a couple of weeks now. Gonzalez apparently has a tender hammie and hasn’t played in a few days. Evidently it’s not enough to merit a trip to the DL, and I suspect that management is happy enough to have the opportunity to get an extended look at Petit.

Promotions/Giveaways

You’re kidding, right? You’ll get to watch Altuve, and you’ll like it. You’ll get a Coca-Cola Value night on Wednesday as a bonus. And I imagine that there is still some Ziegenbock available.

submitted by Bench

Cleveland, Ohio.  August 22-24, 2014

The Astros head to Cleveland after taking the Northeast’s medialiths Red Sox and Yankess down a notch, winning a combined four out of seven from the marquee teams of MLB.  The Astros end up taking four out of six on the season series against the Yanks, which according to my friends and family in The City have caused Bronx Nation to officially give up on the season.  Other than the wins, my favorite story of the road trip was Keuchel inviting the host parents he stayed with for two summers in the Cape Cod League to attend the game he pitched on Friday.

The Astros have been on an offensive tear until running into the rejuvenated Brandon McCarthy on Thursday, who shut out the team who had been leading the league in runs scored since July 1.  Fortunately the good guys will miss squaring off against Tribe ace Corey Kluber, who has come out of nowhere this year to vie for the Cy Young award.

I’ve never been to Cleveland, and see no reasonable reason why I ever will.  Perhaps work will bring me to the shores of the Cuyohoga but that would be the only reason.  But the city, and the Indians, hold a special place in my heart simply because of Major League.  Major League and The Naked Gun were the formative comedies of my youth that I actually saw in movie theaters with a crowd rather than at home on the VCR when I thought my parents didn’t realize I was watching Airplane! or Caddyshack.  I was 11 years old when Major League hit the theatres, and it was the first cuss and sex filled movie I ever saw in the movie theatres and could laugh along with the crowd.  It also happens to be one of the funniest baseball movies ever made and holds up well even to this day.  When it appeared on TV my brother and I recorded it and fucking wore out that VCR tape watching it over and over.  I particularly love all the ridiculous overdubbing of the cursing in the TV version, and my brother and I will still tell each other to “strike this [GUUUUYYY] out!” during the final scene when Roger Dorn confronts the wild thing.

I owned the cassette of the movie soundtrack because I was that kind of kid whose primary relationship to music was always through some other medium.  As a middle schooler I wore out the soundtracks to Major League and The Lost Boys.  I credit those soundtrack with sparking my appreciation of Randy Newman, Roy Orbison and The Doors.  I guess David Lynch sealed my love of Roy Orbison years later in Blue Velvet and Mulholland Drive, but it all started with Major League.

Oddly enough there is an original alternate ending to the movie where it is revealed that Rachel Phelps never wanted to move the Indians to Miami, but according to Wikipedia invented “the Miami scheme and adopted a catty, vindictive persona to unify and motivate the team. As the players believed that she wanted the Indians to fail, she was able to conceal that the team could not afford basic amenities such as chartered jet travel behind a veil of taking them away to spite the players.”  I’m glad they changed the ending to make her a pure villain because that is fucking stupid.

Ah Cleveland, city of lights.  City of magic.  It took me years to realize that Cleveland wasn’t some wondrous land of mystical possibilities but that Newman was making fun of the fact that they managed to set their river on fire.

Friday, August 22, 2014
Progressive (nee Jacobs) Field
6:05 CT

Brad Peacock (3-8 5.47 ERA)

Peacock’s best asset is his name.  He’s 0-3 with a 10.80 ERA and a 2.35 WHIP in his last five starts, is coming off a no-decision Saturday in the team’s 10-7 loss to Boston. He allowed six runs (five earned), seven hits and two walks in 4 1/3 innings.

Carlos Carrasco (5-4 3.27 ERA)

Carrasco is making his third straight start since moving to the rotation from the bullpen.  He’s thrown shutout ball in his last two starts over 12 innings notching a pair of wins in the process, allowing only five hits along the way.

Saturday, August 23, 2014
Progressive (nee Jacobs) Field
6:05 CT

Collin McHugh (6-9 3.00 ERA)

After a mid-season blip, Collin McFuckingHuge has settled back in to the form he showed beginning with his spot start for Feldman in Seattle back in April.  He still has the best starter’s ERA on the team and has allowed exactly one run in each of his last four starts (four total in 25 1/3 innings).

Danny Salazar (4-6 4.79)

After blowing away the league in his call up season, Salazar has had an up and down season.  As in, he’s been sent down to the minors and called up on multiple occasions.  His most recent major league campaign has been pretty respectable, going  3-2 with a 3.67 ERA and 26 strikeouts in 27 innings over his last five starts.

Sunday, August 24, 2014
Progressive (nee Jacobs) Field
6:05 CT

Brett Oberholtzer (4-8 4.01 ERA)

Oberholtzer has really settled in during his current stint in the rotation.  Prior to Tuesday’s game in the Bronx, Brett pitched 11 consecutive outings of at least six innings each.  In the last six of that run, he was 2-1 with a 2.63 ERA. The team is 6-1 in his last seven starts.

Trevor Bauer (4-7 4.41 ERA)

Despite the fact that Pedro Serrano went on to much greater fame as President David Palmer, Trevor ain’t fucking Jack.  Hopefully the good guys can get to him early as he has a 5.68 ERA in the first inning this year.

Injuries, there are a few.  Qualls has been sidelined with a stiff back, but should be ready for this series.  Jessie Crain was nice enough to join the team in NYC because he is drawing a paycheck after all.  Springer went to Boston to see some of his Connecticut family.

Cleveland facts:
Cleveland is home to the first ever traffic light.
Native sons include Jesse Owens, Langston Hughes, Don King and Arsenio Hall.  And Drew Carey, I guess.
Cleveland hasn’t won a major sports championship since the Browns won the NFL title in 1964.
Would you like to pet a real police horse?

Good guys manage to avoid a sweep.