Contributed by Great Bagwell’s Beard
The Oval Office, Washington, D.C.
“I’m not your whore. I don’t come when you call, or when you touch me. I’m here to run your campaign, nothing more.”
Olivia Pope was out of breath. These monologues were hard to deliver.
Fitz flared his nostrils. It was time for Facial Expression 2.
“All I know is that if those Astros on the schedule, I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE!”
There he went, yelling for no reason again.
“I’ve brought in a new Vice President for you. You go through them faster than the Astros go through relief pitchers, so I wanted to have a new one ready just in case.”
“Who is it?”
The Oval Office door creaked open slowly.
“Hello, Fitz.”
Frank Underwood oozed into the room, and immediately turned to face an invisible camera.
“Now I may sound like Foghorn Leghorn after a series of debilitating strokes, but I’m no fool. I know those National boys are missing Harper and Fister, and I’m worried as hell about Houstonians laying waste to the team that represents our fair city.”
A silence settled over the room. Olivia filled a glass of red wine.
The door of the office swung open, nearly snapping off its hinges.
“Who the fuck are you talking to, Frank? NO ONE KNOWS, NO ONE CARES. Get the shit out of here, Buford T. Closetfucker! I’m still the fucking vice president last time I checked.”
Selina Meyer was actually having a pretty good day for once. She walked over and sat down behind Fitz’s desk. He stuttered a protest.
“Zip your mouth and your pants, asswipe! This is what you get for never calling me. Now where are we on the Astros?”
Olivia cleared her throat.
“It’s only two games. And we don’t have to face McHugh.”
“I’m STILL WORRIED ABOUT COSART!”
“Stop yelling, Mister President. You’re tighter wound than taffy in a tornado.”
“Shut the fuck up, Frank.” The President sulked and looked at a portrait on the wall. “What would you do, Josiah?”
“Paintings can’t talk, numbnuts,” Selina spat.
“Have some respect. Mr. Bartlett was our wisest President, nay, the wisest man in human history, whose wisdom we were all privileged to bask in, in hallways, in corridors, in offices, in really long hallways. Everywhere in this godforsaken town.”
Frank’s gentle correction silenced the room again. Olivia finished her wine with a gulp. She knew what needed to be done.
“I’m going to have my father kill Bryce Harper.”
Probable Pitchers
Tuesday, April 29th
7:10 CT, MMPUS
Gio Gonzalez (3-1, 3.00) v. Jarred Cosart (1-2, 6.12)
Gio never gets treated like a dirty player, even though he most assuredly is one. Fucker. Fowler has hit a homer off of him as part of a fun .500/1.167/1.667 slash line. Altuve and Guzman have also hit him pretty well.
Cosart looked great to start the year, but needs to find his rhythm in his first full season. He’s never faced the Nats. Because they’re an NL team, and we’re an AL team. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Wednesday, April 30th
7:10 CT, MMPUS
Jordan Zimmerman (1-1, 4.05) v. Brett Oberholtzer (0-4, 4.61)
Zimmerman is a lot of letters to put on a jersey to begin with, and adding a first initial makes it even more crowded. Maybe when Ryan went on the DL, they agreed to let Jordan have sole possession of the surname. Guzman and Marwin have hit him well, but he strikes out Fowler a lot.
Oberholtzer feels like a bad luck guy in the early going, but the numbers sure don’t back that up. He’s never faced the Nats, either.
Injuries
Astros
Albers – 15 day DL. Shoulder tendinitis.
Crain – 15 day DL. Seriously. Maybe he’s in a space-time thing where 15 days actually means 2 months.
Feldman – 15 day DL. Bicep tendinitis.
Fields – Strained quad. Would’ve figured his neck was hurt watching balls fly off hitters’ bats.
White – TJ surgery.
Nats
Erik Davis – the “k” means he’s a mediocre white guy. 60-day DL.
Doug Fister – HAHAHAHAHA your name dude.
Gio Gonzalez – shoulder tightness. From cheating.
Scott Hairston – Left oblique strain.
Bryce Harper – Sliding headfirst? That’s a paddlin’
Jeff Kobernus – Fractured left hand.
Ross Ohlendorf – Right lumbar strain
Wilson Ramos – Hand surgery
Ryan Zimmerman – Fractured left hand
Prrrrrromotions
NONE! You get nothing and you’ll like it!
What To Watch For
– Maybe Singleton? Nah, probably not.
– Headfirst sliding.
– Veep’s streak as the most accurate show about the Beltway ever.
Talk About It In The Game Zone!