So yeah. Here we are again. It’s the last series of the season barring some serious melt-downery by several teams, and things are looking pretty bleak. But you know what they say… When the going gets tough, swear a bunch and declare your hatred for your least favorite team. Everyone repeat after me. FUCK… THE… CUBS…
Good. Now on to your regularly scheduled preview:
Custer’s Last Stand Minute Maid Park
Friday September 26th, 7:05 FSN (HD)
Saturday September 27th, 6:05 FSN (HD)
Sunday September 28th, 1:05 myPOS (HD – hahahaha!)
Friday
Jorge Campillo (8-7, 3.76) vs. Roy Oswalt Brian Moehler (11-8, 4.61)
I have no idea who Jorge Campillo is. Apparently he’s a rookie, and apparently he was absolutely blowing the doors off of the MLB earlier in the year. An recent 0-3 skid with an ERA of 6.88 knocked a little bit of the shine off the rook, but he finally righted the ship against the goddamn Stem in his last start, getting the win after giving up two runs over six innings.
The only Astros with any ABs against this kid are Randy Wolf (0-2, 1K) and Geoff Blum (0-1). We’re DOOOOOOOOMED!
Brian Moehler has struggled pretty badly of late. Three of his last four starts have been ugh-Lee. Like 17 earned runs in 16 innings ugly. The going could be dangerous in this one, take this for safety’s sake.
The Bravos hit Moehler at a .280 clip (21 hits in 75 ABs). Slacker Jones (OH EM GEE I <3 YOU CHIPPER!!!1!) (5-16), Kelly Johnson (4-9), Matt Diaz (2-5), and Ruben Gotay (2-2) all have had pretty decent success. The rest of the Braves suck… Against Moehler? Maybe. As human beings? You betcha!
Saturday
James Parr (1-0, 4.00) vs. Roy Oswalt Brandon Backe (9-13, 5.66)
Parr is obviously a very highly touted dude, since ESPN has SO MUCH info on him.
This space for rent. No Astro has faced him, and you know what that means, right? FUCK THE CUBS!
Brandon Backe has sucked on ice for most of the year. He’s been nibbling like Andyzipp on David Hasselhoff’s earlobe (wow, that was terrible) lately, and it really shows. His last start, against the non-playoff-making Fishes, was pretty brutal: 1.2 innings, 5 earned runs, 45 pitches.
Not a whole lot to report here. Looks like, in very limited numbers, the Braves have done some damage against Brandon, sporting a .292 BA. Nothing terribly shocking to see here, (I refuse to call a grown man Chipper) Larry Wayne Jones (3-8), is the only noticable stat. Everything else is a hit in three at bats or something similar.
Sunday
Jair Jurrjens (13-10, 3.68) vs. Roy Oswalt Wandy Rodriguez (8-7, 3.59)
What the hell is a Jair Jurrjens, you ask? Well, the only thing I can figure is that his mom must’ve had a severe writing impediment that caused every 4th letter she wrong to be a “J”. After a little more research I discovered his middle name, as well. It’s Francoise. So, I was wrong. His parents just hated him.
Again, not much to report here. If this game comes down to a pinch hit situation where the Astros only have Jose Castillo left to pinch hit with the bases loaded down by a run with 2 outs in the 9th, we’re DOOMED!
Wandy has put together a pretty solid year, and by the looks of things, is really starting to put it together as a middle of the rotation pitcher. Sure he lays an egg now and then, but when his curve is working, he’s just plain dirty. Assuming he can overcome his strained gut, he has 3 straight appearances without giving up an earned run, dating back to August 26th.
Now the bad news. The Bravos hit Wandy pretty well, with team batting average of .341 (15-44). Doing the most damage are: Dicknose Jones (4-7, 2 HR), Yunel Escobar (3-6), Matt Diaz (3-5), and Frenchy Francoeur (2-4 with a dinger). The rest of the team hasn’t done much against ol’ Wandy, so hold your breath when they’re up, and laugh like an idiot when the rest of ’em are up there flailing away.
Noteable Giveaways This Series
The Braves POS website has apparently outsmarted me by hiding their Promotional Schedule, so instead here’s a picture of Bud Selig waving at us. Right after this picture was taken, Bud grabbed his crotch and yelled “Fuck you, Astros fans! Drayton gives great head”. True story.
Injury Report
Atlanta – Rafael Soraino, Tim Hudson, and John Smoltz are all on the 60 day DL. There’s a list that makes hitter’s smile.
Astros – Not much new to report. El Kabong still has a broken El KaPinky, and Felipe Paulino is still out with the Clap.
Our Interesting Things To Look For
Anyway, that’s it, folks. Barring a miracle weekend, this is the last preview of the year. Once again, I’m left with the duty of leaving a lasting impression on you, the reading public, so you’ll come back next year and read some more. I hope this was as entertaining to read as it was to write. Go Astros. Hook ’em Horns. Fuck the Cubs, Piggies, and Sooners.