Well, last weekend couldn’t have been much sweeter. The Astros peckerslapped the hated Stem in a 3 game set. Late game heroics won two of the three, and the Good Guy pitching staff, including Randy Wolf and a bevy of relievers, threw a combined shutout in the third. Now its on to Shitsville to play my least favorite team in all of baseball…
Crumbling Piece of Shit Ballpark That Should Be Condemned Then Demolished Wrigley Field
Monday August 4th, 6:05 pm FSN (HD)/ESPN
Tuesday August 5th, 1:20 pm FSN
Wednesday August 6th, 1:20 pm FSN
Brian Moehler (6-4, 4.23) vs. Ryan Duempster (12-4, 2.90)
Monday
Moehler fell one out short of his first complete game in eight years in his last start, and has generally been a complete and total surprise as the number three fifth starter on the team. Personally, I hope Moehler is pissed as hell still from not getting to finish his own game last go round, and comes out with a chip on his shoulder. Stick it to the fucking Cubs, Brian.
As a team, the Cubs bat .308 against Brian in 133 at bats. Daryle Ward (6-14), Fuckstick Soriano (4-9), and Anaheim Jimmy (13-37, 6 fucking homers) all have had pretty good success against him. He hasn’t dominated anyone on the Cubs roster, but the rest of them have low averages and not many hits off him. Brian, just do me a favor and fatten Edmonds lip even more every time he comes up. Peg that bitch.
Dempster continues his completely confusing domination of the National League. The word early in the year was that he couldn’t win on the road. Well, he’s won his last two road games, so nevermind THAT thought process. He does that obnoxious glove waving shit to apparently distract hitters, which I personally find embarassing. We’re not playing fucking slow pitch softball, you asshole. I’m downright sick of Ryan Dempster. Fuck him.
The Astros as a team bat .254 off him, which isn’t surprising. Twinkie (12-40, 4 homers), Blum (11-36), Thunderpants (3-9), Kabong (5-15), and Randy Wolf(?!) (3-8) all have had some success against him. Everyone else pretty much sucks, except Ausmus who sports a decent .240 average (6-25).
Tuesday
Wandy Rodriguez (6-4, 3.61) vs. Rich Harden (6-2, 2.04 total 1-1, 1.11 in the NL)
Wandy has been pretty impressive this season, minus a few eggs. He is rounding out into a tough little lefty. When his curve is on, he can be downright filthy. Watching guys swing out of their shoes when he throws Uncle Charlie is always good for a few laughs. Wandy got knocked around pretty good against the Reds in his last start, but before that had thrown two strong games in a row giving up two runs (one in each game) in 12.2 innings between the Cubs and the Brew Crew. Hopefully the Reds game was just a temporary set back, and he’ll get back to dominating.
The Cubs sport a pretty lackluster .262 batting average against Wandy in 126 at bats. Ryan Theroit (8-14), and Derrek Lee (8-19, 2 homers) have done most of the Cubbie damage against him, although Jason Marquis (4-6) has battered him too. The rest of the Cubs have a total of 13 hits against him in 87 at bats.
Rich Harden has pretty much dominated the National League since arrving in Douchecago. His one loss came in a game where he went seven innings and gave up a solo home run and struck out ten. As a matter of fact, Harden is averaging over nine Ks a game, and has given up three solo runs as the only runs he’s allowed. Pretty dominating. I actually liked Rich Harden until the Cubs picked him up. Now I hate him.
Only a few Good Guys that have even faced Harden, let alone had many at bats against him. Leading that charge is Darren Erstad (5-26). Kabong is 3-9 with a TRIPLE!!!!! How the hell did that happen? Only three other Astros have seen him, Miggy (0-3), Blum (1-4), and Newhan (0-1). I don’t see this one ending well.
Wednesday
Brandon Backe (6-10, 4.72) vs. Jason Marquis (6.7, 4.68)
Backe has a pretty lackluster outing against the Cubs a couple weekends ago that I was present for. It wasn’t pretty. Luckily, the company I had was, so it wasn’t quite so bad. I also made some Cubfan Teenagers cry, which was pure bonus points. Four runs over 6 and 2/3 may not sound terrible, but he was in trouble the whole game and couldn’t find the strike zone for large parts. In more recent news, Backe took a no decision against the Goddamn Stem in his last start. Brandon hit a tape-measure home run that was only overshadowed by to Mark Loretta’s eventual game winning Grand Slam.
Against the Cubs, Brandon yields a .244 batting average in 127 at bats. The guys to watch out for are: Mike Fontenot (2-3), ErrorMiss (7-19), Henry Blanco (1-3), and to a lesser extent Anaheim Jimmy (4-14). Everyone else pretty much sucks on ice.
Jason Marquis is the same pitcher he’s been for the past 3 or 4 years. He gives up a ton of hits, a lot of runs, and generally sucks. The Cubs try and unload him every year, but nobody wants his sorry ass.
The Good Guys tune up pretty good on Jason, to a .303 average. The Big Puma (19-39) , Wigginton (7-16), Kabong (10-29, 3 homers), and Pence! (4-10) all have had a lot of success against Marquis. Everyone else is pretty lackluster.
Also of note, these are two pretty good bat-handling pitchers. We could see a pitcher knock or two, and maybe even a home run.
Backe is 0-3 against Marquis.
Marquis is 2-5 against Backe.
Monday is 70’s night. Which means they’ll be pretending its only been 70 years since they were in the World Series instead of 100+. Tuesday is Aramis Ramirez autographed ball giveaway day (500 random fans). Unfortunately, most of them only have a partial signature since he couldn’t hang on to the ball long enough to sign his whole name. Wednesday is Back to School crap.
Injury Report
Astros – Felipe Paulino is lonely. You never call or write anymore.
Cubs – Jon Leiber and Kerry Wood both reside on the 15 day DL for the Cubs. Leiber has a right foot strain. Kerry Wood has a blister on one of his throwing fingers. He threw a bullpen recently and is feeling better, but won’t be reporting back until Friday, so it looks like the Stros will miss him.
Our Notable Things To Look For
- High scoring affairs. It’s summertime in Wrigley (not to be confused with Springtime for Hilter), and the ball will be flying all over the place.
- Douchebags, and LOTS of ’em. Mostly with their shirts off. Welcome to Chicago.
- If we as a board are going to have to endure overly friendly fans from other teams showing up during the rest of the series, I predict this will be the series that brings Spack of out his restful slumber again to feast on another spleen or two. Seriously. We don’t need you here, we’ve got plenty of Astros fans that are idiots.
- This is neither here nor there, but I’d like to send a big FUCK YOU to ESPN, MLB.com and anyone else that has anything to do with forcing me to see pictures of Jason Giambi’s gay pornstache. Now we’ll have to go back to just assuming you’re gay, and not being 1000% sure of it.