By Taras Bulba
Brewers (13-8) at Astros (9-12)
Minute Maid Park (www.bellcountyexpo.com/)
AKA “The Juice Box,” “MMPUS,” “Contrived Retro Whatever”
Friday, April 28, 7:05 p.m. CDT-FSN
Saturday, April 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT-KNWS
Sunday, April 30, 1:05 p.m. CDT-FSN
As strosrays pointed out in the Pirate preview, no one is really sure if KNWS really exists or if it is merely some bootleg operation run out of Nuevo Laredo, spewing forth a steady dose of rancheras, cumbias, Doug Sahm, natural male enhancement offers, and occasional Astros broadcasts. Per their custom, Time Warner apparently can’t find their phone number, so the Austin types won’t be getting the game. That’s a good reason then for all of you tree huggers to load up the hybrid, stop by Whole Earth for some organic hummus, sing some protest songs and old Negro spirituals and head over to Necktown for the ballgame. Hell, you might even make a pit stop in Brenham where you’ll meet a girl named Shelly Dubinski. Ask her if she can get three dates for your friends.
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
(http://houston.astros.mlb…ble_pitchers.jsp?c_id=hou)
Friday
Chris Capuano, LHP (3-0, 3.68) v. Roy Oswalt (3-1, 3.34)
Capuano is left handed, is nominally athletic, and can fog a mirror. Therefore, it stands to reason that Houston will have a difficult time facing him, as they did last Saturday. Fortunately for the Astros, it will however not be Capuano’s first major league appearance; otherwise Garner may have considered forfeiting. He’ll be facing Oswalt who pitched six strong innings against the Brewers on Sunday but ran into trouble in the seventh on his way to his first loss. One thing about Sparky—he trusts his stuff and he doesn’t come to gunfights without any bullets. Yes sir; there goes the Josey Wales.
Saturday
Dave Bush, RHP (2-1, 5.04) v. Chris Sampson (2-1, 4.26)
Bush has been a bonafide Astro killer (3-0 lifetime, including Sunday). And, he likes pitching in Necktown (2.08 ERA at MM). Memo to Tim: check to see if he has a ranch. Bush will be going up against Chris Sampson who lost his cherry on Monday against the Phils, giving up 14 hits, 7 runs, and a hand job or two on his way to his first loss. Before then, he had pitched very well in his previous starts and he’ll need to regain that form in facing Bush. Unless, of course, George Herbert Walker Bush shows up with his CIA laser pen and successfully confounds his namesake. He gets to do shit like that if he wants, being a former president and Skull and Bones member and all.
Claudio Vargas, RHP (1-0, 4.76) v Woody Williams (0-3, 5.90)
Vargas was signed in the off season by Milwaukee after going 12-10 last year with Arizona. He’s had 3 starts this season, the last going only 4 innings against the Cubs on Monday, giving up 4 runs on 6 hits. He pitched well in his two previous starts, striking out 20 in only 11 innings against the Marlins and the Pirates. In that he is facing Houston, you can be sure he’ll be amped to the gills and could set a modern strikeout record. Your very own Cy-Fair Bobcat Woody Williams has had a rough time of it thus far while wearing the blood and mud. We’re all aware of his record and rough starts, but he actually pitched a nice game Tuesday while his teammates were napping and thinking of their next day’s spa treatments and salon visits while on their way to mashing three (3) base hits. There’s cause for concern with Woody: he’s got a boo-boo on his shin and had to have a cortisone/thorazine/heroin injection into his creaky right elbow yesterday. But, he’s a gamer and the world famous Houston Medical Center is usually good for some righteous smack, so he should be ready to go.
Swag
(http://houston.astros.mlb…e/promotions.jsp?c_id=hou)
Friday:
Coca-Cola Value Night: buy some tickets in the nosebleed area, get some cokes and shit, yell at your kids.
Red Astros Cap: Everybody likes a pretty red Astros cap, especially the further south you go. There’s not a mojado alive that doesn’t feel good operating a gas powered leaf blower while wearing the red Astros lid. Vamanos!
Saturday:
Stadium Blanket: Will come in real handy for the teenagers making out in the upper deck. Wait—I’ve got teenagers—No blankets! No blankets!
Sunday:
Luby’s Youth Baseball Parade: Always a NAMBLA favorite.
Astros Poster: “The Return of the Good Guys.” Maybe they can do a new poster showing “The Return of the Guys Who Can Get a Goddamn Hit with a Guy on Third.”
Injury Report
Milwaukee (http://milwaukee.brewers….eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=mil)
Greg Aquino is on the 15 day DL with right forearm tightness and has been ordered to get a girlfriend. Laynce Nix is all fucked up with a strained right oblique and a horrible first name. Sheets pulled up lame on Wednesday just for the hell of it.
Houston (http://houston.astros.mlb…eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=hou)
Rick White went down with a pulled gut. A trip or two over to Elgin (http://www.southsidemarket.com) should help him return to the sparkling form he has exhibited thus far. Jennings has the tendonitis thing going on which is allegedly getting better. Right now, it’s preventing him from doing the “Sic ‘em, Bears!” sign with Drayton. Gimenez had his right labia repaired and got a nice new bikini wax. He’s on the beach for the year. Backe is a rippin’ and a snortin’ to git out thar and kilt some Yankees or critters or something before the shootin’s over. We’ll see.
The Traveling Horse Shit Show Hits Town
Goddamn it all to hell that was butt ugly. Getting keel hauled by the Pirates not once, but twice in this young season is hard to take, and Houston did it in spectacular style this last rodeo. Shut out, outlasted, out played—what else can be said? And, it damn sure doesn’t get easier going against these fire-pissers coming to town—the Brewers are sitting on top and can play. The Brewcrew have a very nice starting lineup with truly talented players that almost remind one of the young Bagwell-Biggio-Caminiti teams, and with pitching to boot. Why, even Bob Uecker is feeling his oats and will be hopping over to piss on Milo’s scorecard (of course, Milo can’t actually keep score or even see his scorecard).
A Few More Things:
I rank Craig Counsel (http://www.actupny.org/documents/avengers.html) right up there with Eckstein and Vina as one of the most irritating shits in the league. He’s really a fairly ho-hum player but he turns into a world beater against Houston. Where the hell is Danny Darwin when you need him? Honestly, the guy drives everyone insane—how can you let a transsexual kick your ass?
Berkman has been in his traditional April funk and the natives are restless, some even calling for Garner to sit him for a game or two. C’mon, it’s early and Lance will be spraying frozen ropes all over the place before we know it. Right now, he’s been involved with community outreach (www.littledebbie.com/) so give the guy a break. Have you ever noticed that Little Debbie appears to be the love child of Craig Biggio and a Beaumont area Hooter’s waitress?
Ensberg left about 75 guys on base during the last series, but he wants to make sure he’s getting the right pitch to hit. Garner was actually heard humming the tune to “Delia’s Gone” whenever he sees Morgan—his doctor recommended it in order to combat the facial tic he has developed whenever he has to write Ensberg’s name on the lineup card. Yeah, the season is young, but it ain’t that young. Dang it, boys, let’s get this thing going.
Astros sweep ‘em, 3-0.
She was low down and trifling
And she was cold and mean
Kind of evil make me want to Grab my sub machine
Delia’s gone, one more round Delia’s gone
First time I shot her, I shot her in the side
Hard to watch her suffer
But with the second shot she died
Delia’s gone, one more round Delia’s gone