By Taras Bulba
Well, that son of a bitchin’ strosrays went out and wrote a goddamn treatise on life last week, forcing everyone to buy thesauruses and slide rules and other smart ass shit. He’s definitely the kind of guy that doesn’t give reach arounds. Anyway, here’s the deal:
Astros (3-5) at Phillies (2-7)
At Citizens Bank Park, Philadelphia
aka “The Bank, The Ballpark, The Vault”
Friday, April 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT-FSN
Saturday, April 14, 2:55 p.m. CDT-Fox, FOX!
Sunday, April 15, 12:35 p.m. CDT-FSN
For the coverage impaired, MLB.TV will also broadcast the games for a reasonable monthly rate, excluding carrying charges, transit and handling fees, and a bill of lading. I have been anxious to write, “bill of lading” for a long time, so there you have it. Otherwise, FSN will cover the Friday and Sunday games with our favorite standbys, Brownie and Jim, while Fox, FOX! will be there for the Saturday afternoon throw down. Brit Hume will do the play by play for FOX! with his sidekicks, Geraldo and Billy O. Tom Wolfe will stop by the booth to offer tips on finding hot coeds and to show off his natty new spring suit. Laurie Dhue (www.girlsoffoxnews.com) will appear from time to time to offer keen insight and to allow for male viewers to stare at her lips and think generally bad thoughts. As the broadcast is on FOX!, spokespersons for all of the major Democratic presidential candidates have indicated that they will not participate, so we won’t be able to see if Obama throws like a girl or if Hillary wears a cup.
Projected Matchups
(http://houston.astros.mlb…ble_pitchers.jsp?c_id=hou)
Friday
Roy Oswalt, (1-0, 1.08) v. Brett Myers, RHP (0-1, 6.75)
St. Louis received a big ol’ helping of Roy last Saturday, as Oswalt methodically rolled through the Co-ardinal lineup on his way to his 12th career complete game. Sparky is mixing in a lot of changeups thus far and reducing his pitch count—not a good sign for opposing hitters. You know the drill with Oswalt by now—he’ll be going right at ‘em, so take care of your personal business during the commercial break.
Myers got lit up a little in his last start, losing to the Marlins. He signed a big three year deal in February after apparently swearing off pigs feet and white women and dropping 30 pounds or so. Myers hasn’t been able to hit the high expectations many have felt he is capable of, averaging 12.5 wins over the last 4 seasons. That’s not bad, but it’s not what they’re paying him 26 million yankee dollars for over these next 3 seasons which the Philly faithful will dutifully point out at the first sign of trouble Friday evening.
Saturday
Jason Jennings (0-1, 3.00) v. Cole Hamels, LHP (0-0, 1.38)
Jennings has really pitched okay thus far and would have obviously benefited from more enthusiastic batting support. Thus far, he’s done what Houston has asked him to do, including saying nice things about Waco and wearing green and gold a lot. His sinkerball will be an asset in the homer friendly confines of Citizens Bank Park and Astros faithful can only hope that Ryan “Man Child” Howard and crew are still scuffling by Saturday’s game. His mound opponent, Cole Hamels, has the appearances of a star in the making; a young, hard throwing lefty who is dominating opponents at the tender age of 23. He’s got two no decisions thus far, but has allowed only 2 runs in 13 innings against the Goddamn Fucking Mets and the Braves, striking out 15. As noted above, the contest will be on FOX! with CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, MSNBC, PBS and the Comedy Channel offering post game rebuttals. Check your local listings.
UPDATE: That splat you heard was Jennings’ agent’s lunch hitting the linoleum after hearing about the elbow boo-boo. Woody’s going Saturday and since he learned of the change, has been sending copious amounts of UC Pi Phis and cases of Grey Goose over to Hamels’ casa. Williams was an Omega, you know (see the next section).
Thank you sir. May I have another?
Sunday
Woody Williams, (0-1, 4.22) v. Freddy Garcia, (0-0, —)
Like with Oswalt, you know what you’re getting with Woody—he battles, changes speeds, mixes things up, and generally skulks around the joint. Williams is a sneaky little shit just like Niedermeyer and can irritate the hell out of opposing batters. He’ll hang in there for five or six innings which will hopefully allow Lance, Morgan, Luke et al to take a break from their study of the synoptic gospels and hit the goddamn ball. Woody needs more than a random run here and there, so it will be a good idea for the Astros to at least consider adopting an occasional plate approach for the Sunday afternoon contest. Garcia is coming off the DL to face the team that punted him for the half season rental of Mr. Charming. The Phils went out and got Garcia over the winter and he promptly hurt himself in spring training, probably just to piss Manuel off even more, if that’s possible. Garcia is a little like Alice Pettitte—he’s hurt, he’s better, he’s relaxed, he’s worried—you just never really know. I’m pretty sure, however, that God didn’t tell him to go to Philadelphia.
Swag
(http://philadelphia.phill…e/promotions.jsp?c_id=phi)
On Friday, it’s both “College Night” at CBP, along with “Hatfield Phillies Franks Dollar Dog Night.” Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
Saturday, fans will receive a “Ryan Howard MVP Baseball & Collectible Tin.” I’m guessing that a lucky bleacher fan or two will also receive a Ryan Howard screaming line drive that day. He’s due. Of course, if he grounds out afterward, Phillie fans will boo his ass off.
Sunday, it’s the Jackie Robinson salute, with master of ceremonies Don Imus. Also, there will be “Southwest Airlines Schedule Magnets” handed out to everyone. A fair amount of these things will be thrown at Astro outfielders over the course of the afternoon, undoubtedly as a gesture of friendship to the sunny Southland.
Injury Report
Philly (http://philadelphia.phill…eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=phi)
Most notable are Lieber and until yesterday, Garcia. Lieber is allegedly out with a right oblique strain, but he’s probably just finishing up the spring turkey season in Alabama and will be back after he gets his limit. Anyway, with Garcia back and Lieber due to return, the Phils will be knee deep in starting pitching with a shaky bullpen. Let’s see, they have surplus starters and need relief help. Houston has a pretty good bullpen but could use a stray starter. Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?
Houston (http://houston.astros.mlb…eam/injuries.jsp?c_id=hou)
Hector Gimenez screwed up his labrum or something while castrating bulls at Carlos “Ten Bears” Lee’s ranch. He’s done for the year. Backe had the elbow grande surgery that usually means a Hamptonesque multi-season absence but he’s feeling as pert as a ruttin’ buck. “I got the gold right here, Pa,” he is heard to say while doing rehab. Both Backe and Purpura are hopeful that he could be back sometime this season. This is particulary unsettling news for Wandy Rodriguez and his fan club president, Alkie. You know, if Wandy was right handed, he would be Kirk Saarrllooss. Maybe Mrs. Saarrllooss would like that. She’s probably tired of that soft right handed junk and could go for some of the soft left handed variety.
Some Other Stuff
The City of Brotherly Fricking Love
To find people as grumpy, miserable, drunk, and generally unhappy as Philadelphians you would have to journey the whole 33 miles to Trenton . It’s a tough group in Philly, most notably their legendary sports fans who are always on hand to rain abuse upon both home and visiting teams alike. Mike Schmidt, hall of famer and full time asshole, still suffers from involuntary facial tics at the mere mention of Philly fan (www.philliesflow.com). With the high expectations coming into this season, they’re not at all happy about the slow start thus far and it will be a real good idea for Philly players (especially the relief corps) not to fuck up too bad this weekend. Otherwise, the bad words and batteries will fly. Having said that, Philly fans have some good things going for them, most notably their ongoing hatred of the Goddamn Fucking Mets. They’re also not a bunch of mutton-headed frontrunners like Atlanta, or silly-ass bogus Cubfan wannabes getting tipsy off a couple of Old Styles. No, your Philly fan is pretty much the real deal—authentically bitter, intoxicated, and committed to a smoldering, suffering anger.
Coach Jimy
The last time we saw Jimy Williams, he was standing around the batting cage before the ’05 All-Star game in H-town with the look of a guy who just drew a black bean at Goliad. Indeed, he was dispatched within a day; the team flailing and Garner hoisted aboard the listing ship that went on to get righted in dramatic fashion. Jimy fled to California or Austin (same thing) for awhile, muttering, “manager’s decision” before Hunsicker resurrected him as a roving instructor for Tampa Bay, a pretty much perfect position for Williams. However, over the off season Jimy accepted Manuel’s offer to hang out on the Philly bench and listen to cusswords. Good for Coach Williams. Whatever his shortcomings, Jimy has proven he knows the game and went out of his way to help a lot of players in the Houston organization improve their value. No doubt the Phillies will benefit from his gifts as a baseball teacher. It will be interesting to see when Manuel’s head finally does explode, if the Phillies promote Jimy to the top post. Then we’ll get to see the Inquirer interpret Jimy-speak.
Phillies Broadcasters
Harry Kalas is the play by play guy for the Phillies. He’s an old pro out of the old school and briefly an Astros announcer in the 60’s. Like Milo Hamilton and every other mike jockey out there, he’s from Iowa. Naturally, this means that Milo is jealous of Harry’s success and secretly conspires with Baal, Yahweh, Odin, etc. to smite him or at least dissolve his testicles. Larry Andersen is one of the Phillie analysts and remains immensely happy that Jeff Bagwell no longer plays baseball.
Odds and Ends
Speaking of Bagwell, strosrays about said it all about old #5 in his Cubs Preview, otherwise titled, “Top This Shit, Motherfucker!” Anyway, I’m glad the Astros are retiring his number and he rightly deserves it. At the same time, it would be nice if someone could figure out a way to graciously un-retire most or all of the rest of those numbers hanging in the Minute Maid rafters. This is much trod territory, but Houston currently serves as a cautionary tale for sports franchises on the not so right way to honor former players. Post their name and/or their smiling face, build a statue, whatever, but leave a few numbers for guys who might one day have a plaque in Cooperstown.
I went to Cooperstown a few summers ago. About 80% of the people walking down the street and ducking in and out of the memorabilia sweat shops are from either Boston or New York. I know that because they’re all wearing size XXXXL Red Sox and Yankees jerseys. A significant number of them have male children named, “J-O-E-Y” or “A-N-T-H-O-NY,” a sound you hear with the frequency of cicadas in July. Joey and Anthony do not listen to their parents and generally should be beaten. Often. The HOF is a worthwhile visit for a baseball fan but I didn’t get all misty eyed, write a poem about my father, or otherwise think once of baseball as a metaphor for life while there. Mostly, I tried to find a decent place to eat.
It remains to be seen if Houston has a good team, or not. A sinking feeling occurred to me while looking at the squad on the field at the Round Rock exhibition—this ain’t a real good defensive outfit. This shouldn’t have been a revelation to me or anyone else—they don’t look good defensively on paper either, but it’s sobering to actually see Burke in center and recognize that there are going to be some very uncomfortable moments with him flailing around. And, while Jennings and Williams are both stalwart and capable, Houston could use the Drama Queen for another matinee. As it stands, they need to start lighting up the scoreboard a little as this 2 and 3 run a game shit isn’t going to cut it.
Maybe Lance et al can break out the wood in the Philly series because I’ve got a hankering that the Phillies are going to show up.
Series prediction:
Phillies 2-1. Watch the games.