By Craig Elliott

Goddamn fucking New York Mets. I hate the cocksucking Stem like nothing else. Fucking Jeri-curled, black-and-blue, no-trade-clause-giving, Gascan-loving, unfit-to-wear-orange Mets. Their piece-of-dogshit stadium and assmunch fans can kiss my ass too. Fucking Mets.

So anyway. The Astros couldn’t even pull off a series win against the dumbass Cubs, despite throwing Roy, Roger, and Andy at them. Then the Astros responded by sending down Wandy, the team leader in wins and herpes. Matt Albers was called up for bullpen duty, so keep your fingers crossed. Purpura is still out there trying to land either another reliever or Miguel Tejada, depending upon whatever Polly Prissy Pants says at Pinwheel’s teaparty.

Also, in case you don’t read the Eastern media, the Stem have already won the National League this year. Sorry to break it to you, but it’s already been decided so we don’t even need an NLCS.    Just bow down to the altar of traitors, dipshits, and snivelers, and bring on the Yankees.

Goddamn fucking Mets.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros split four games with the Marlins, though it should have been better. Once again, Oswalt and Clemens were left searching for run support, though Aubrey Huff helped in recovering Oswalt’s game. Now it’s on to Chicago to try to dogpile the dumbass Cubs, who just suffered the indignity of giving up an 11-run inning. To the goddamn fucking Mets, who are next on the roadtrip by the way.

The Cubs are 21 games under .500, Wood and Prior are back on the DL, and Carlos Zambrano got knocked out of the All-Star game by a fungo bat. How ’bout those Cubbies?

When:
Tuesday, July 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, July 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, July 20, 1:20 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Tuesday’s game will be on the Chicago Fox broadcast, and the other two will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Wrigley Field

The Cubs are 15-27 at home this season, which is the worst home record in the majors. By comparison, the Royals are 19-23 at home.

On Thursday at Wrigley, the first 5,000 girls age 14 and under will get free doll-sized Cubs apparel. Miniature corked bats, puke stains, and Walkmen sold separately.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros stepped all over their own dicks (except Roy Oswalt, who missed) while sputtering into the All-Star Break. But now the real race starts, and Purpura has already started chopping wood by nabbing Aubrey Huff and shitcanning Gary Gaetti. Jason Lane got sent down and Morgan Ensberg got a serious shot across his bow. So he took a check-swing at it and then sat down.

Houston is six games back of the fucking Jakes, with the Reds and Brewers still hanging around before they wilt down the stretch. The Astros are also 3.5 games off the lead in the wildcard race, though of course it’s a bit early to start thinking about that. The fact is, the Co-Ards can be taken down if the Astros play like they’re capable of doing.

Meanwhile, Florida has lost 7 of its last 10 games, and they can’t even see the Mets in the NL East. But for a team that’s started 20 rookies this season, they’re sucking less than expected. Which I guess is a compliment.

When:
Thursday, July 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Friday, July 14, 6:35 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 15, 5:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, July 16, 12:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Thursday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Florida broadcast. Looks like no TV for Friday and Saturday.

Where: Dolphin Stadium

They might as well call it Don’t Let the Door Hit You in the Ass Stadium, since the Marlins are busy shopping for a new park in a new city. Or at least they were the last time I heard anything about it. My money’s still on them moving to Vegas, but I’m admittedly biased.

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