By Craig Elliott

Oh yeah, Opening Day. Finally! This winter has been longer than a Morgan Ensberg home run drought. All I could do was sit and stare while the days crawled by.

We’re going to pump some new blood into the Series Previews this year, since I was getting kind of worn out and flaccid. In lieu of purchasing a cock-ring and several eightballs*, we’ve enlisted a full rotation of writers this year. We have a rotation of Taras Bulba, MRaup, and strosrays, with me and Foghorn in relief. So get ready for some book-larnin’.

Anyway … baseball!

The Astros had an eventful offseason. They’re so happy about Jennings and Lee that the Grocer is sporting a new Woody. Starin’ Andy went back to the Yankees, because they were stupid enough to think he can put in two more full seasons. In the annual Spring Rogerpalooza Tour, Clemens is waiting to see who among the Astros, Red Sox, and Yanquis sucks less balls at the end of May. So who the fuck knows. Go ask Alice.

As for the Pirates … well, you know. They picked up that LeRoach guy from the Braves. Dirty Freddy Sanchez won the batting title last year, but he’s starting the season on the DL. And they still have Jason Bay. To sum it up, here’s the sunny outlook from the Pirates’ own website: “ … the Pirates are looking hard at finishing the season above .500 for the first time since 1992.”

Good luck with that.

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