By Taras Bulba

Well, that son of a bitchin’ strosrays went out and wrote a goddamn treatise on life last week, forcing everyone to buy thesauruses and slide rules and other smart ass shit.  He’s definitely the kind of guy that doesn’t give reach arounds.  Anyway, here’s the deal:

Astros (3-5) at Phillies (2-7)
At Citizens Bank Park, Philadelphia
aka “The Bank, The Ballpark, The Vault”

Friday, April 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT-FSN
Saturday, April 14, 2:55 p.m. CDT-Fox, FOX!
Sunday, April 15, 12:35 p.m. CDT-FSN

For the coverage impaired, MLB.TV will also broadcast the games for a reasonable monthly rate, excluding carrying charges, transit and handling fees, and a bill of lading.  I have been anxious to write, “bill of lading” for a long time, so there you have it.  Otherwise, FSN will cover the Friday and Sunday games with our favorite standbys, Brownie and Jim, while Fox, FOX! will be there for the Saturday afternoon throw down.  Brit Hume will do the play by play for FOX! with his sidekicks, Geraldo and Billy O.   Tom Wolfe will stop by the booth to offer tips on finding hot coeds and to show off his natty new spring suit. Laurie Dhue (www.girlsoffoxnews.com) will appear from time to time to offer keen insight and to allow for male viewers to stare at her lips and think generally bad thoughts.  As the broadcast is on FOX!, spokespersons for all of the major Democratic presidential candidates have indicated that they will not  participate, so we won’t be able to see if Obama throws like a girl or if Hillary wears a cup.

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So, now that we’ve gotten a few practice games out of the way, its time to start the season, right? Wait, we started 3 days ago? Son of a bitch.  Well, the Good Guys have some work to do at this point. Getting pecker-slapped by perennial cellar dwellers in the Central is not exactly a good way to start the season. Scoring less than 3 runs a game against the Pirate pitching staff with our new and improved lineup also doesn’t bode particularly well. The only good thing about a slow start is the number of fair weather fans that fall off the bandwagon. The bad news is, the air waves will be even more filled with their cries for a new closer, Roger Clemens, and <insert real CF here> .
The Co-ards aren’t in much better shape. With a similarly dismal start against the goddamn fucking Mets, they also stand at 0-3, hanging out with the Astros at the bottom of the Central. As has been covered repeatedly in the TZ and everywhere the BfiB complain on a regular basis, Chris Carpenter is suffering from some elbow tenderness, and the Co-ard rotation is looking shakier than a late night CoRussa sobriety test.
Anyway, hopefully its time for the Astro bats to come out of their early season slumber and whip some Redbird ass.
Minute Maid Park

Friday, April 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, April 7, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, April 8, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Adam Wainwright (0-0, 0.00) vs Wandy Rodriguez (0-0, 0.00)
Last Season: Wainwright (2-1, 3.12, 5 saves) vs. Rodriguez (9-10, 5.64)

Saturday
Anthony Reyes (0-0, 0.00) vs. Roy Oswalt, (0-0, 1.17)
Last Season: Reyes (5-8, 5.06)

Sunday
Kip Wells, (0-1, 3.00) vs. Jason Jennings, (0-0, 1.50)
 
Notable giveaways this series include Jeff Bagwell figurines and posters on Friday, 2007 wall calendars on Saturday to the first 30,000 fans, and Junction Jack Plush Dolls on Sunday to the first 20,000 youngsters through the gates.
You didn’t hear it from me, but I think that Kip Wells would really appreciate being bombarded by 20k or so plush dolls around the start of the 3rd inning.
Injury Report

Cardinals – No listed injuries yet, but they are in the process of evaluating Carpenter’s elbow soreness. Preliminary reports say its nothing serious, but he is definitely missing his start this weekend..

Houston – Nothing new to report here. Backe and Giminez both on the DL, and Luke Scott spent a few days in a Bacta Tank healing up his dinged up elbow. He should be good to go Friday, according to the  Astro Training staff.
Our Interesting Things To Look For
·   Adam Wainwright, strictly as a reliever, has pretty much owned the Astros. Only Good Guys worth a damn against him are Bidge with a hit and two RBIs in two at bats and Mike Lamb, who is 2-3 against Adam. Moberg is 0-6 with 4 ponches.
·   Astros to watch against Anthony Reyes: Mike Lamb, 2-3 with a double. Bidge 2-4 with a double, a dinger, 2 walks, and 3 RBIs. Morgan Ensberg, 0-6 with 5 Ks.  I would venture to say we might see some Mike Lamb this weekend
·   .The Astros have faced Kip Wells a lot. A combined 256 at bats, with a batting average of .270 against him, but that number should be slightly higher since it includes some appearances by Woody Williams. RoyO is 0-3 against Kipper with 2 Ks, but I don’t know why you’d care about that at all, so just ignore it.
·   Wandy put up decent numbers against the Co-ards last year, holding them under .260 as a team. Jennings has held current Cards to a sparkling .227 average. Thank the BBGs that Mark Mulder isn’t around for the Cards still; he owned Jennings while at the plate, sporting a gaudy .400 average in 10 at bats.
·   Biggio Hit Watch: 2934 down, 66 to go!
Discuss today’s game in theGameZone, but for God’s sake, keep it upbeat. Alkie is on suicide watch already.