Astros at Braves – What Is This? Asshole Teams Of The NL East Week?

Posted on May 16, 2011 by MRaup in Series Previews

So far this season, it seems like the Astros are all about missed opportunities and blown leads. The Mets series last weekend is a perfect example.

Friday night, the Good Guys led 4-0 heading in to the seventh inning, before Fulchino and the rest of the bullpen proceeded to bumblefuck their way to a final score of 6-4 (and wasting a pretty solid 6 innings of shutout baseball from Bud Norris).

Saturday, JA Happ and company managed to piece together a decent looking ballgame, and the bullpen and bats held up on their way to a 7-3 Astros win.

Sunday, looking for the series win, the wheels officially came off in the fifth, when Aneury Rodriguez’s no-hit bid was rudely broken up to the tune of 5 earned runs in an inning (4 in the fifth and another in the sixth without getting anyone out. The slapdickery in the fifth started in earnest when Carlos Lee, playing first, twiddledicked a high pop up right on top of the mound in to an error, running past where the ball was coming down and letting it fall harmlessly to the ground. Some scattered offense made things interesting, but the Goddamn Fucking Mets nailed down the win, 7-4.

I don’t think things are going to get much better in the near future, either.

The Edifice of Greed – Turner Field (Easily my favorite nickname of a ballpark)

Monday, May 16, 6:10pm FS-H HD, DirecTV-678

Tuesday, May 17, 12:05pm My20-“HD”

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Monday

Brett Myers (1-3, 5.01) v. Tommy Hanson (4-3, 2.51)

Mr. Myers has really scuffled this season to find any kind of consistency. he’s 0-3 in his last three starts, with an over 8 ERA. That’s pretty rough. And the news doesn’t get better against the Bravos, either.

As a team, the Braves hit Brett to the tune of .337, with an OPS of 1.085. Chipper Jones (12-38, 3HR), Nate McLouth (5-11, 3HR), Brian McCann (12-36, 2HR), Dan Uggla (14-40, 5HR), Martin Prado (4-7), and Alex Gonzalez (7-23) all knock him around pretty good. This one could be ugly.

Tommy Hanson wants you to come on in here, have a seat on that stool right over there. All hilarious child molester jokes aside, this guy is an asshole. He’s absolutely dominated the ‘Stros in his career, giving up just two earned runs over 23 innings, with 18 strikeouts.

And if you need any more evidence, the Astros as a team sport a .152 average (7-46) against Tommy. Yuck. Clint Barmes (1-3, 2B), and JR Towles (1-3) are pretty much the only highlights to mention here.

Tuesday

Wandy Rodriguez (2-3, 3.98) v. Derek Lowe (3-3, 3.73)

Wandy’s numbers aren’t great, but they’re not terrible. He’s been victimized by both himself and the spotty bullpen more than once this year, and is his usual inconsistent self. You never know which Wandy you’re going to get.

Wandy’s had a lot of success against the current Bravos. They sport a .242 average (29-120), and the power numbers are pretty ugly as well (OPS: .639). Erick Henske (2-2), David Ross (6-18), Nate McClouth (6-20), and Martin Prado (4-14 are the only ones with decent success against him other than Chipper (4-15, 2HR).

Derek Lowe is apparently still in the big leagues… Who knew?

The Astros hit a respectable .313 (30-96) against Derek. Kabong (16-38, 2HR), Bourney (6-13), and Thunderpants (3-9) all hit him pretty well.

And on a more personal note, I think that Derek Lowe should make a lot more effort to look like Rob Lowe, as to avoid confusion. Frankly, I think Derek Lowe is a two-seamer-throwing asshole.

Promotional Giveaways This Series

Monday – Buck Belue 5 Buck Night – On Mondays this season, get a Terrace Reserved seat, normally priced at $24, for only $5. That’s right: a lower level seat for just 5 dollars! That’s a savings of 79%! Not 80%, not 78%. 79%!

Tuesday – 2 for 30 Tuesdays! – Get 2 seats in the GMC Club Pavilion for $30. On other nights, these tickets are $28 apiece – that’s a 46% discount!

Jesus Christ, the Braves Promotions Department is apparently Nerd Central. Do you idiots really think anyone that lives in/around Atlanta knows what the hell a percentage is?

Ridiculous Fantasy Injury Report

Houston:

Alberto Arias – His arm is still fucked up.

Boojwah (I spell it like that because I don’t want to bother having to click back and forth 10 times to make sure I spelled it right. That’s right, this took less time to type than his name) – Fucked up oblique. He had plasma injection therapy on May 10th. That sounds weird as hell.

Castro – His knee is still fucked up.

Keppinger – Almost back from a fucked up foot.

Brandon Lyon – His arm is ALL fucked up.

Atlanta:

Brandon Beachy – His last name is fucked up.

Jason Heyward – Day to day with a fucked up shoulder.

Chipper Jones – He’s a day to day cocksucker. And his knee is fucked up. But mostly he’s a cocksucker.

Kris Melden – His arm is fucked up, Tommy John style. Also, has anyone seen Kris Benson lately? This guy seems like he might just be Kris Benson with a cleverly altered last name.

Peter Moylan – His back is fucked up.

Random Musings

I used to really like Dan Uggla. His swing-your-ass-off approach at the plate used to really entertain me. Now he’s a Brave. Fuck Dan Uggla.
The Astros are getting less and less watchable as the season goes on. Whenever the bullpen is handed a lead, it seems like it’s more a matter of when they’re going to blow it than if. That is shitty shitty baseball to watch, unless you really like betting on bullpen implosions. In that case, I bet you’re a rich, rich man
My hockey playoff run is over. The Wings gave San Jose all the wanted, but got behind in game 7 and couldn’t catch up. I’m very hopeful that the Wings GM will use some of their cap space to can a few of the shit-heels that play on the blue line and sign some young talent… I’m looking at you, Ericcson.
Lastly, I always wait until the last second to write these previews. It’s 5:53pm right now, and I’m almost finished. I hate rushing my way through, but at the same time I find that my style of writing tends to work a lot better when I’m in a hurry than when I sit and try and think of witty shit to write.

Talk about today’s game in the Gamezone!

Stinkin’ It Up On A Sunday Afternoon

Posted on May 15, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

W Capuano (3-4)
L: Rodriguez (0-2)
HR: Barmes and who gives a hell

The Good Guys started out in control, threatening to win a series at home against the hated steM. Leading 2-0 in the fifth, Aneury Rodriguez was throwing a no-hitter and had only walked one. A muffed popup to the mound, muffed out of confusion and poor play, proved to be the first thread in Rodriguez’ undoing. “I lost my concentration. That’s what happened. I lost my concentration, because I tried to do too much,” was the familiar refrain.

Also losing their concentration in the inning were Towles and Bill Hall. With runners on the corners and two out, Towles threw to second in hopes of erasing Jose Reyes on his Little League-like attempted steal. The poor throw was fielded by Hall and Jason Pridie scored from third standing up to make it 4-2. Highly rebarrassin’.

Brad Mills was unable to provide an answer and the chain-whipping continued with a three-run homer in the sixth to make it 7-2.

The Astros doubled New York’s hits – ten to five – but had nothing with runners in scoring position, going 2 for 13. On to Atlanta, where no doubt more hilarity awaits.

Mets at Astros – UnMet Expectations

Posted on May 13, 2011 by Craig in Featured, Series Previews

It’s Friday the 13th and the goddamn New York Mets are in town. What could possibly go wrong? Man, I don’t care if the Astros and Mets were playing across the road from me in the neighbors’ cow pasture, I wouldn’t go to that game. I’d rather stay inside with my two black cats, sit under a ladder, and break mirrors than venture out on Friday the 13th while the bumblefuck Mets are in town.

You never know what might happen when the Apple-knob-polishers are around. You might trip and accidentally commit a four-base error, or accidentally get in a Ponzi scheme, or divide by zero and crash the stock market. Some dumbshit might agree to pay Bobby Bonilla a million fucking dollars every year until the next Ice Age. And what the hell, maybe invest a gazillion dollars in Carlos Beltran. He’ll never get hurt. Or strike out looking.

So stay the fuck away from this series. Wait till the next homestand and see some other dumbass team like the Dodgers; at least you won’t run the risk of being infected by the festering ball of suck that is the New York Mets …

… who, by the way, just won two out of three in Denver against the Rukkakes. The mile-high finale featured three homers from the Ponzi-Rican whore. Ouch. On its face, you could say he was making mountains out of mole hills. He erupted, even.

Now the shit-heel Mets have made their way to Houston. It took a while though, because they had to hock the team jet, of course. Instead, they had to co-charter a bus with an Asian tour group in the Rocky Mountains. They had to stop at every interesting place along the way. Luckily that’s a shitty, uninteresting drive or they never would have made it in time.

Well anyway, when the Astros played the Mets a few weeks ago, I thought “Man that team looks like runover dogshit.” And of course that applied to both teams, but I meant it about the stupid fucking Mets. But I just looked at the standings and there are four other teams in the NL, not counting the Astros, who are worse than the Mets. Now it’s probably just a seasonal variation, like El Nino or whatever the hell. By the end of the summer the Mets will be firmly locked in the NL East cellar, just begging for a lick of the Nationals’ balls. Of course by that time, the Astros may be asking the same thing of the Pirates, so I guess be careful what you wish for.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, May 13, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Saturday, May 14, 3:05 p.m. CDT
Sunday, May 15, 1:05 p.m. CDT

Notable giveaways

Other than the usual package deals and fireworks and shit:

Friday – A pink Astros tote bag. No thanks, though I’d take one if it had a Mets logo. Then I could use it to scoop cat shit AND be environmentally conscious. Seriously, if anyone ever finds a Mets tote bag, send it to me. I promise to post photos. And I have a lot of cat shit at my house.

Saturday – A Chris Johnson pink bat bobblehead. Nice try, but meh. I realize they have to do bobbleheads for someone, but I don’t think Chris Johnson has earned one yet.

I think they should do a Hunter Pence Four-Base Error Bobblehead, except not only the head, but all the feet, arms, legs, and hands would bobble too. And a little baseball could bounce from one to the other, then finally just roll across the floor and go all to the way to the wall.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday
Dillon Gee (2-0, 3.80) v. Bud Norris (2-2, 3.16)

Gee pitched two no-hitters for Cleburne High School and also played at UT-Arlington. But he’s a Met now so fuck him. All I need to see is the orange “NY” on his cap, and “fuck him.” I’m not normally such a perfect judge of character, but when it comes to Mets, I’m golden. Anyway, he’s never faced anyone on the Astros, so, you know …. fuck him.

Norris is 1-1 against the Mets, and he faced them earlier this season and got a no-decision that the team came back to win. The Whore is 3-for-6 with two doubles off Bud, and Jose Reyes is 3-for-7. Scott Hairston, Daniel Murphy, and Josh Thole all have homers off him. Whoever those guys are. Oh wait, I’ve heard of Hairston, I just meant to forget him.

Saturday
R.A. Dickey (1-4, 4.50) v. J.A. Happ (2-4, 5.75)

Dickey has already lost to the Astros once this season. And it’s time to break out our secret weapon Met-Killer Joe Inglett, because he’s 4-for-7 with two doubles against Dickey. Carlos Lee is 7-for-18 with three doubles and a homer. Hunter Pence is only 1-for-9 against Dickey, but the one hit was a homer.

Happ is 1-2 in five appearances against the Ponzis. Beltran is 4-for-13 with two homers off him, and David Wright is 6-for-11 with two doubles and three homers. Ouch. On the plus side, Mets fans will still be paying for those homers in higher ticket prices through 2050.

Sunday
Chris Capuano (2-4, 4.93) v. Aneury Rodriguez (0-1, 5.50)

Capuano has a 5-4 record in 10 appearances against the Astros, but some of those games were back when Biggio and Bagwell were in the starting lineup. Current Astros are a weak 10-for-61 (.164) against him, with the only homer coming from Chris Johnson. In fact, at 2-for-6, Johnson is the best Astros hitter against Capuano. Too bad we can’t let the weekend broadcast team bat against him.

Aneury went two innings in relief against the steM earlier in the season. He only gave up one hit but it was a homer to Ike Davis. However, Davis is on the DL and won’t be in this series. No one on the Mets has more than one AB against Aneury.

Injury Report

New York – Ike Davis is out until later this month, and Angel Pagan should be back for the summer solstice. Bobby Parnell and Pedro Beato are on rehab assignments. Johan Santana is out. David Wright was doubtful for the last series so might still be hurting.

Houston – Jason Michaels should be back for this series, and Keppinger is on a rehab assignment. Arias, Bourgeios, Lyon, and Castro are still on the DL.

Balls in the Dirt

* I know I’ve bitched about this before, but the worst part of writing series previews is that I have to spend time at the opposing team’s website. For fuck’s sake, I’ve just spent an hour or more on the goddamn Mets website. I feel so dirty, I want to uninstall this unclean browser and install a new one like Chrome that’s never been to the Mets site.

* Or maybe I could invent a new Firefox extension that searches your history and removes any mention of the Mets. I’ll call it UnMet, or Sweep the Mets.

* Or Fuck the Mets.

*****

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

Say what you will…

Posted on May 11, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Reds 3
Astros 4

W: Melancon | L: Thief

HR: 2 Dickities, no Astros.

“Say what you will about Hunter Pence but he always goes hard.”

OK. He catches balls off of his face (NTTAWWT). He hits the cutoff man. He breaks up double plays. He hustles to take an extra base from a lazy OF. He shows patience at the plate. He hits walk-off doubles to win games.

Well, at least he did all of those things today as Hunter put on a show that was every bit as impressive as some of his recent exploits have been embarrassing. As polarizing as he can be, at least among those here, say what you will…he gets the job done. Sometimes.

The boys jumped out to a quick lead on some really bad pitching in the 2nd. With 1 out, Volquez walked 6-7-8 on 13 pitches to load ’em. Wandy popped out on the infield for 2 out but Bourn came through with a 2-run single and the lead. They tacked on another in the 3rd on a Downs sac fly following a Pence walk, Wallace FC and a double to left by Big-Fucking-Johnson.

Wandy looked home-a-licious for most of his start. Despite a triple and an RBI ground out for a run in the 4th, he held the Dickities down until the 7th. A lead-off flare to shallow RF looked to be a hit until FotF launched himself and loosely gloved the ball. As Hunter bounced around on the grass, his face was pressed into service, softly providing a gauntlet – if you will – against the ball’s eager desire to escape it’s confines. When the mass came to a halt, mission accomplished.

Of course, Wandy served up a sweet tater to the next batter so Hunter looked even more epic having saved the lead.

Of course, Wandy served up a sweet tater to the next batter so Hunter had to stuff the heroics in his back pocket for a while.

He almost whupped ’em out in the bottom of the 7th when a stupid/heads-up decision to take 2nd on a single to nonchalant CF Stubbs was successful and ignited a 2-out rally that looked promising but fizzled with the bases loaded when Downs flied out to CF.

Still tied in the 9th after Lopez and Melancon kept the Reds at bay, the Thief took the mound to try and do the same to the Astros. Bourn grounded out to lead off but then the Leake started with a walk to the rodeo clown. Up strolls Gunther to the plate with a look of confidence and determination on his ball-bruised face. He swung mightily at the first pitch without contact but waited and waited for the one he knew would get the job done. He wasn’t going to swing at those balls off the plate. On a 3-1 count, he swung again, just missing contact on a low slider. Now at 3-2 he thought, “what the hell” and reached out for a slider off the plate and slapped the ball down the RF line. Towles crossed the plate to give the Astros the win and Hunter’s 6th walk-off hit of his career.

Say what you will.

Astros Lose Again

Posted on May 10, 2011 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Reds 6, Astros 1
W: Travis Wood, L: Aneury Rodriguez

Game recap and boxscore

We all knew this season was going to be tough. I think we might have gotten a little ahead of ourselves, at least I might have, with thinking this team might have some run scoring – minus homeruns – ability.

The last few games the offense has been horrid. Mr. Wallace cannot seem to buy a hit or walk with runners on the bases, yet he was doing so great you could hear the shouts of “bat him 3rd.” I think part of those shouts were to remove Hunter from hitting 3rd.

I’m not sure how Hunter has done it, but he’s having a pretty decent season to date.

Bourn seems to get on base and then gets left there.

Carlos Lee breaks my heart. I really wish him well. No one wants to go out the way it seems he may.

Drayton McLane may be gone by the end of the month, maybe even sooner. Jim Crane, who I know nothing about, is rumored to be the buyer. I just hope good things happen.

Nothing else to report except that Nelson was DFA’d last night.

DROWNING

Posted on May 9, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, Series Previews

Cincinnati REDS (18-16, 2nd NL West) vs. Houston ASTROS (13-21, 6th NL West)
May 9-11, 2011
MMPUSRead More

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