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“Sure [they can tie the game]. Will they? Nah.”

Posted on May 24, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps

Monday, May 23, 2011

Dojers 3
Astros 4

W: Fulchino | L: Jansen

Limey’s preview
Game Zone

Who doesn’t love these kinds of games? Quality pitching from both sides. Tied at 1 late until the last gasps from your starter yields 2 and expectations are low for a late-inning surge, but the team comes through on their last chance. We may not get to see many like these this season – hell, wins period – but they sure are fun to watch.

For the most part, I only got to see the fun stuff at the end. I won’t bore you with things you’re likely not to care about but there was a hockey game going on tonight, too. The Dojers scored first on a solo dinger by Matt Kemp in the 2nd but the Astros answered in the 3rd when a 4-for-4 Bill Hall doubled off of starter Kershaw, then scored on a single by Q.

Norris held it together until with 2 outs the 7th, he gave up a ground-rule double to right. After intentionally walking Mitchell, he grooved an 0-2 FB to Ethier who smoked it past the mound to CF. Bourn uncharacteristically left the ball behind on his charge and had to race back to get it as the 2 runners on base crossed the plate.

FF to the bottom of the 9th, still 3-1 and Jansen on the bump. CJ K’d then newly-minted-badass Bill Hall singled. PH Downs also K’d mightily and it was not looking good for a comeback. PH Angel Sanchez did a fine job of working Jansen hard on a 11-pitch walk to bring up Bourn with 2 on. Both runners moved up on indifference, which ended up fucking the Dojers when Bourn slapped a screamer down the RF line that tied the game and left him standing on 2nd.

Jansen was seriously rattled at this point but Mattingly left him in and he promptly plunked Barmes. Up strolled Pence in another situation to be a hero and boy did he come through. A broken-bat single over the left side of the infield had Bourn gunning for home. The throw from LF was on target and on time, but for a sweet half-slide by Bourn that went wide toward the backstop but he got his hand down and slapped the plate before a tag could be laid. He did his best Willie “Mays” Hayes super-clap before chest-bumping Hall while the rest of the crew bounded out and started jumping around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots.

So was I…so was I.

Astros vs. Dodgers: Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into the Parking Lot

Posted on May 23, 2011 by Limey in Featured, Series Previews

The Astros just won a series.  On the road.  In a foreign country.  Against a team from the other league.

I’ll just let you ponder that for a moment…because I have something more mindblowing to tell you.Read More

Oh Yah, That’s Real Fine There Eh?

Posted on May 22, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros 3, Jays 2

W: Rodriguez (3-3)
L: Drabek (3-3)
SV: Melancon (3)
HR: Pence!!! (6)

I didn’t get to see this one since the Rangers took over my cable system today. Hopefully that is only temporary.

Evidently the Good Guys showed up and played a fine one, taking a series from the Jays in Tranna by winning today, 3-2. Wandy went six, only allowing two solo homers. Wilton Lopez got a clutch double play in the seventh before walking Juan Rivera in the eighth with one out and throwing three high pitches to the next batter. Skipper Mills yanked the short chain and went to Melancon with a 2-1 count. The new closer struck out Arencibia and Davis to get to the ninth whereupon it got hairy indeed.

With two outs an infield single and a ringing double to right brought Bautista to the plate. Thankfully, challenge wasn’t on the menu and the HR leader was walked to load the bases full of evil portent.

Fuck that shit though, as mighty Melancon induced a groundout to end the game and preserve the win for Road Wandy.

Trade Bait Hunter Pence was an offensive star, tomahawking a two-run homer in the fifth to put the Good Guys ahead to stay.

Some abbreviated but still good stuff in the GZ. Now on to the City of Angels for some good corned beef hash at Canter’s and banana cream pie at the Apple Pan in between resurrecting what used to be a Blood Feud.

Only 5???

Posted on May 19, 2011 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Astros 2, Cardinals 4
W: Kyle McClellan, L: J.A. Happ, S: Fernando Salas

Recap and Boxscore

I was shocked to realize the Astros have only lost 5 in a row. It seems like more. Then again, they are 2-8 in the last 10 games. I also don’t think going across the border (Northern one) is going to be good for them.

Happ pitched okay (8 strike outs), even the bullpen was okay. They were in no way great, but my expectations are incredibly low and getting lower after each game.

They’re still shitty.

If I had gone to a game with friends these topics might have been discussed:
–Bridesmaides– That movie is fucking hilarious. It was funny. I had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
–Sandcastle contest– First weekend in June, Galveston, Texas. Good times.
–Graduations– One niece graduated from Texas State last weekend and one nephew graduates from high school Memorial Day weekend.
–Dancing with the Stars– Who do you think will win? I’m betting on Hines Ward. Dude can move. He’s got a really, really nice body too.
–Vacations– Anyone taking one? I have no idea what I’m going to do but have some options thankfully.
–Boys– We always talk about boys.

Meet the Fockers: Astros @ Cardinals Series Preview

Posted on May 18, 2011 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Where better to go at the low point of a low season than Shitbird City?  I’m ready.  Bring it on.  Let Jim Crane see how much work needs to be done.  Let that $650 million dollar hole in his pocket gape in awe at what’s now filling it.  But let’s also shut these redheaded, eye-infected fucks up.

——

A little paint, some wallpaper...

It's a fixer-upper

I know how Jim Crane feels.  I mean, not in the sense that I have enough money for Limey’s drinking, Alkie’s whores, and Jim’s hip replacement(s) in my couch cushions, but I get it, man.  We’re in the process of buying a house right now.  A ninety year old house at that.  The current owner is flipping it after putting a fair amount of money and effort into dressing it up and making it more livable.  But like a certain recently departed Grocer, he did it on the cheap.  Bad wiring?  Bury it in spray-in insulation.  Termites?  Paint over the rotted wood.  Overweight, overpaid LF?  Make him a team of sombrero-wearing mascots!  Wait, which side of this analogy was I on again?

The point being that Crane has the next few months to inspect.  And reinspect.  At all levels.  Minor league.  Major league.  Front office.  Back office.  He’s going to find things he wants to change, and other things that make him smile, because they’re the reasons he wanted to own a major league team in the first place.  The previous owner neglected things, to be sure.  But like houses that have “good bones”, this team has good pieces to build on.  Not necessarily from an on-field talent perspective.  God and Baseball Prospectus know that Oklahoma City has about as much talent as the collective cast of Glee, but there’s still Bobby Heck, and Ed Wade, and Jio Mier, and Telvin Nash, and all the other promising kids collected under their watch.  Preserve that spirit, those bones, and this house will be alright, in time.

By the same token, though, I fucking hate house shopping.  I hate telling financiers how much (or little) I make.  I hate standing around trying to look like I understand when the roofing guy talks to me like I’ve ever been to the High Degree of Difficulty aisles at Home Depot.  I hate the nickel and diming on closing costs.  I hate the way it’s completely taking over my life.  And I really fucking hate this Astros season.  It’s proving every nay-saying jackass right (in their mind), and it’s becoming almost comical in its predictability.  But if this is what we go through every two decades in order to have a 2005 once in a while, then so be it.

Here are the keys, Jimmy.  The Lil’ Pumas have already been fumigated.  I hope you don’t fuck it up.

Probable Pitchers

Wednesday, May 18th

7:15 CT, Awesome Brewery Bill Blocking Stadium

Bud Norris (2-2, 3.42) v. Kyle Lohse (4-2, 2.31)

Kyle Lohse looks like he touches himself during MMA matches.  That little chin-dot goatee.  I bet he can’t grow a real beard.   Collectively, the ‘stros hit .255 against him, but Carlos has 5 dingers off him, which would be great if he still knew how to hit them.  The immortal Brett Wallace hits .667 against Lohse, probably because Lohse gets all transfixed by DAT ASS!

Bud is the Card slayer.  I expect a complete fucking game here, for obvious reasons.

Thursday, May 19th

12:45 CT, Screw You I’m Drinking Southern Star RIGHT NOW Stadium

J.A. Happ (3-4, 5.40) v. Kyle McClellan (5-1, 3.62)

Don't we all?

Why are goatees still popular?  McClellan has one.  He looks like a douche.  He probably wears cargo shorts to dinner, and lets the waitress sit down at the booth while she explains the snapper special.  Hell, he probably asks for that waitress every time.  Hunter loves him, which probably means his breaking stuff is for shit.  Bill Hall is over .350 against him, which means that he has a magic pitch that can be hit even when it’s way out of the strike zone.  Also, McClellan’s Baseball-Reference page is sponsored by Cardinal-birthdays.com.  That’s so damned sad I almost can’t even make fun of it.  Almost.  Imagine a party where the party planner is purported to be the best party planner in baseball party planning, except the cake tastes like taint, and the clown falls asleep drunk and has communicable diseases.

Happ was totally worth trading for Berkman straight up.  *ducks*  Pujols and Holliday both hit him well, so the bully should be glad to know that there probably won’t be a lead to defend when they’re called upon.

Injury Report

Astros:

Alberto Arias: Missing in action.  Chuck Norris currently searching.

Jason Bourgeois: Strained oblique.  Had plasma injecction.  Dammit, not another superhero movie.

Jason Castro: Out til September.  Not a good year to be a Jason in Houston.

Jeff Keppinger: Our last and best hope is almost back. If only he could pitch the 7th, we’d be golden.

Brandon Lyon: 15 day DL (suck)

Shitbirds

Bryan Augenstein: 15 day DL.  Strained groin. I think you can write the rest of this joke.

David Freese: Broke left hand.  Wait, I think these two might be related!

Nick Punto: Right forearm flexor strain.  What the hell kind of orgy was this?

Colby Rasmus: muscle strain in midsection.  The butthole’s in the midsection, right?

Skip Schumacher: right triceps strain. I mean, seriously?  Is it all just wanking arms and one groin?

Brian Tallet: broken bone in right hand.  Oh my lord.  I’m starting to feel sorry for Augenstein.

Adam Wainwright: ligament damage in right elbow.  Wow.  Just wow.

Prrrrrromotions!

NONE WHATSOEVER!

What to watch for:

A mercifully short series.

More Berkman stories, dammit.

The national media returning to sleep about the Astros.

The final end of the nonstop Augenstein wank orgy.

Talk it up, fuzzball!  In the Game Zone!

Swing and a Miss

Posted on May 17, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps

Monday, May 16. 2011

Astros 2
Braves 3

W: Hanson | L: Abad | S: Kimbrel

HR: Downs

In my sometimes twisted imagination, I visualize Jim Crane slapping his forehead and asking, “what the hell did I buy?”

For the first game after the official announcement of the sale of the Astros, the Braves welcomed them in to their cavernous park filled with seats but no people. Fresh off a home series loss to the fucking Mets and Brett Myers on the hill, perhaps the idea of the new regime would help spark the team. Perhaps not.

I can’t figure out if Myers pitched well or was just lucky. He did actually pitch well but had to survive bases-loaded situations in each of the first 2 innings and was lucky to come out of them without giving up a run.

Hanson, on the other hand, had the Astros wishing for some luck as his changing speeds and pinpoint (Braves-style) location left them staring agape or swinging wildly.

Despite giving up only 3 hits and fanning 10 through 7, the line-drive solo HR by Downs in the 5th had Hanson behind just as Myers was hitting a groove. The groove didn’t last long though, as the early innings of heavy work seemed to catch up to him in the 6th. 2 singles to start the frame turned into 2 runs when all was said and done and the thin Astros lead was gone.

The boys got one back to tie it again in the 7th after Lee reached on an error and Mighty Matt Downs plated him with a double to the gap in LCF. But as we all are keenly aware of, handing a game to this bullpen is like handing your car keys to your teenage son.

“Dad, I had a little accident. Nothing horrible but I need a ride home.”

Anyway, Abad coughed up the go-ahead run rather quickly in the bottom of the 7th and the Braves bullpen, including their newest redneck closer made the lead stick.

One more on this “excuse me” 2-gamer tomorrow afternoon at 12:05 CDT.

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