I haven’t been this torn about a subject since realizing the Scarlett isn’t a good actress as much as she is a good whisperer.  I love the city of Chicago almost as much as I hate the Cubs.  The fucking Cubs.  If they resided in a city that I despised (like Jacksonville), my hate would multiply and increase in power like motherfucking Voltron.  As is, I’ve spent plenty of time in Chicago (even visiting Wrigley once), and I find the people to be friendly, the weather pleasantly brisk, the restaurants fantastic, and it tops the list of cities to which I’d move if Harris County is finally swept out to sea by a God angry at us for tolerating Joel Osteen’s pseudo-Christian pap.  Still, I haven’t come to praise Chicago, but to bury the Cubs.

As a young fan, most of my hate was reserved for the Braves, with their blandly dominant pitching staff and Halle Berry-dumping outfield and Bobby (Sucking) Cox.  However, like a good wine or Jennifer Connely, my hate has gotten better with age, and its character has changed as well.  With the Braves now operating like the rich man’s Expos, there’s no particular reason other than history to hate them, but the Cubs.  Oh the Cubs.  Oh fuck the Cubs.  Even my sweet, beautiful wife once muttered “fuck the Cubs” when we saw a guy in a Soriano jersey on the street.  If it weren’t a jackass kind of thing to do, I’d teach my toddler nephew those three words posthaste.

Fuck the Cubs for Alfonso Soriano, the slugger who swings more than a 70’s suburban party in San Fernando Valley and plays defense like a six year old FFPS goalie.  I’d take Michael Bourn over 3 of you fuckers.

Fuck the Cubs for Carlos Zambrano, the fat asshole with the big mouth, with his stolen fucking no-hitter and the teammates who hate him. Eat a damned salad and enjoy being Jose Rijo without the World Series ring.

Fuck the Cubs for Lou Pinella, the smartest idiot manager in the league.  It says a lot about how smart Lou is that he keeps getting jobs despite being the sort of jackass who you wouldn’t want to work with in a cubicle, much less a clubhouse.  Get anger management and host an ESPN show with Bobby Knight.

Fuck the Cubs for Mark Cuban for wanting to buy this team.  Serves your dumb self-promoting ass right not getting them.

Fuck the Cubs for their fans who travel so well.  If there were oil & gas jobs in Chicago, we wouldn’t have this problem.  Now we go to the belly of the Beast, where fat fuckers spilling beer on women and cursing in front of children in ways that would make Richard Pryor blush are just part of the “charm”.  Put on a shirt, bitchtits.

Fuck the Cubs for Steve Bartman, the goat, and the Curse.  Maybe the reason you haven’t won a World Series lately is that your only Gold Glove winner in recent years is the first baseman who is only healthy for 48 hours a season, and a pitcher who excretes worthless awards through his pores.  Become freaking White Sox fans and spend time in part of the city where black people live, you racists.

Fuck the Cubs for Sammy Sosa, Michael Barrett, Alex Gonzalez, and all the other dearly departed morons.  So glad you all found greener pastures.

Fuck the Cubs for you.  You, the lazy, nice Astros fans who gave you season tickets to the Cubfans who stink up our stadium with the smell of desperation and Goose Island.

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking before five.

Probable Pitchers from MLB.com

Monday, July 27th

7:05 PM CST, Wrigley Field

Wandy Rodriguez (10-6, 2.72) v. Fat Fuck (7-4, 3.48)

Yeah, which of these starters’ names will you see on the ESPN ticker?  Fat fucking fuck. Wandy continues to be the stealth ace, wracking up quality starts by the fistful.  Derrek Lee (the extra “r” is for injured Reserve) and Ryan Theriot hit him pretty well, but Soriano is his double bitch (1-14).  The Astros beat the Cubs last time Wandy pitched, but he didn’t get a decision.  Win #11 would be sweet on the North Side.

The world’s worst Hugo Chavez impersonator found a way to beat us on Opening Day, and with the Cubs riding the top of the standing in preparation for their end-of-season meltdown, it’d be nice to get that ball rolling today.  As we know from past experience, El Gordo is rather good against us, with Pudge and Caballo as the only ones who’ve solved him regularly. Score early, score often, gents.

Tuesday, July 28th

7:05 PM CST, Ivy Hell

Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.66) v. Ryan Dempster (5-5, 4.09)

Two pitchers who are better than their numbers would indicate.  However, Roy has shown signs that he’s still ace good, while Dempster can still lay claim to the title of “over-achiever”.  Among the FTC, I have no clue who hits him well because Baseball-Reference just stopped working.  Sorry.  So if Fukudome gets an RBI off him, you’ll have no idea if this was a rare occurrence. Whatever will we do?

Dempster sounds like Dumpster, which I hope to god none of his classmates in elementary school overlooked. He’s pitching with a broken toe, so I don’t feel like making fun of him too much.  He’s like their Brocail, only without the bottomless well of scowls.

Wednesday, July 29th

1:20 PM CST, Bleacher Sunburn City

Mike Hampton (6-7, 4.74) v. Randy Wells (6-4, 3.10)

The one time I went to Wrigley was in 1999, and I saw Hampton pitch.  Richard Hidalgo had two outfield assists, Hammy was dealing, and I got to be the recipient of Cub Hate after we won.  Good times.  For old time’s sake, I’d like to see some decent corner outfield defense this series.

Wells is a rookie, but has faced the ‘stros once this year, and (naturally) we didn’t score a run.  Now that we’ve got that little ritual out of our system, it’s time to club the shit out of the clean cut bastard.

Injuries

Astros

Puma: strained eating metaphors (overuse)

Boone: better, stronger, faster, ready to rehab

Brocail: scaring the shit out of Double-A pukes

Hawk: MRI? MRIght.

Cubs

Ryan Dempster: broke toe.  Still scheduled to make a start.  That’s pretty hardcore.

Chad Fox: has a boo-boo on his elbow and a SpongeBob band-aid.

Derrek Lee:  More competing diseases and injuries than Montgomery Burns

Ted Lilly: pursuing a life-affirming career as an Easter florist

Aaron Miles: strained elbow trying to shave his goatee into an “M”

David Patton: shot in the groin with pearl-handled revolver

Geovany Soto: wishes he was Chris Coste

Giveaways:

Jack Shit. Luggage tags and a kids’ batting helmet.  Ever used a giveaway helmet as a real helmet?  Doesn’t work, does it?  Here’s hoping Lil Cub Fans get some brain damage…wait, that may explain CubFandom in general: generations of shitty plastic helmets.

What to Watch For:

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Discuss in the Game Zone!

Minute Maid Park

Following a 3 game pecker-slapping of the Co-Ards, the Good Guys play host to the Goddamn Fucking Mets.

Unsurprising Newsflash of the Day: I hate the fucking Mets.

The GFM (Goddamn Fucking Mets) are 2-5 since the All Star Break, and have basically stunk up the joint with their ridiculous payroll/lineup so far. They’re 10 1/2 games back of the Phightin’ Phillies and frankly, I couldn’t be more excited about it.

Friday July 24, 7:05 p.m. FSN-HD
Saturday July 25, 6:05 p.m. FSN-HD
Sunday July 26, 1:05 p.m. FSN-HD

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Johan Santana (11-7, 2.92) v. Mike Hampton (5-7, 4.63)

Despite GFM suckitude, Santana has continued to be a dominant number one pitcher. He’s got a 15 inning scoreless streak going, and is one of the premier starters in the game. Also, he’s the most dominant pitcher after the All Star break in the history of baseball (with 75 or more starts), sporting a ridiculous 59-17 record.

And on to the good news, Santana has a career .98 ERA against the Astros, and Houston hitters sport a horrific .213 average against him in 239 plate appearances. Miggy (11-34, 2 HR) and Kabong (10-32, 3 HR) have done pretty well against Johan, but everyone else is pretty awful. Don’t expect to see Coste (0-8, but he did draw a walk once)starting against Santana. Erstad (10-41) would probably be a better choice.

Hampy has scuffled pretty badly against any team not named the Pirates, so this one could get ugly in a big ass hurry. Mike ‘s ERA after his last two starts (both notably not against the Pirates) is over 9, and things aren’t exactly looking up after checking his numbers against the GFM.

The Mets bat a robust .375 against Hampton as a team, with a 1.078 OPS. That isn’t a typo. David Wright (3-13, 1 HR) and Gary Sheffield (7-27) scuffle against him, but the rest of the lineup pretty much beat Hampy like the rest of the TZ beat up towlie once upon a time.

Saturday

Jon Niese (0.0, 5.91) v. Russ Ortiz (3-4, 4.33)

Thsi game was supposed to belong to former Astro Fernando Nieve, but ‘Nando managed to tweak a leg muscle running the bases and is on the DL. So, Who the fuck is John Niese? I don’t know. Obviously, neither do you. He’s been in the minors for the Mets since mid-May, and apparently has been dominating the shit out of AAA hitters, sporting a .72 ERA in his last 7 starts down in the minors. That isn’t a typo, .72. He hasn’t been named the starter, but Astros.com declares him the “most likely candidate”. And really, writing about TBA is boring, that dude sucks.

The Astros have never faced him, and we all know how well that usually turns out.

Reliable Russ Ortiz, after basically calling Cecil Cooper 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag, went out and bitch-slapped the Dodgers for 6 innings in his first start after the break, giving up 2 earnies and not getting a win because Arias decided to trip all over his own dick, making approximately 253 errors consecutively in one inning.

Russ has problems with the usual suspects: David Wright (6-11, 1 HR), Gary Sheffield (5-13, 3!!!!! HR), and Carlos Delgado (2-3). The rest of the GFM just do okay against him, which is… ok.

Sunday

Livan Hernandez (6-5, 4.93) v. Brian Moehler (7-5, 4.92)

The grizzled one has scuffled a lot in the last month, losing 4 starts in a row before finally facing the Nationals and notching a win against his former club. Livan’s ERA in July 10.93 even counting his 7 innings of 2 run ball against the Nats.

Now on to the good news. The Good Guys hit Livan at a .341 clip in 167 at bats, including Thunderpants and Erstad (4-7 each), Miggy (6-16), Kaz (10-35), and the recently DLed Twinkie (10-33).

Moehler checked in with a quality start in his last outing, going 6 1/3 inning and giving up 2 runs on his way to a win against the Redbirds. After some seriously bad outings earlier in the year, Brian appears to have righted the ship and is pitching pretty damn well for the slop throwing veteran that he is.

Moehler has not fared very well against the GFM, as indicated by the .333 batting average and 1.006 OPS they sport against him. The only good news is that a signifigant chunk of that damage is done by Carlos Delgado (9-29, 4 HR), who, as you’ll read about in a few minutes, is still on the DL. Other current Stem that crush Brian: Carlos “Holy Moley” Beltran (10-19, 4 doubles), Jose Reyes (5-14), and David Wright (5-13).

Notable Giveaways This Series

I have no idea what the fuck a webkinz is, but this is what it looks like. If you know what it is, just keep it to yourself. I’m happier not knowing. Anyway, they’re giving them away on Friday night.

Saturday they’re giving away a Young Professionals Pack. There is absolutely no info about what the hell that is either, so I’m just assuming it’s some kind of folded up hooker in a backpack. Oh, you also might get one of these. Both of those go to the first 10,000 lucky fans.

Sunday you don’t get shit. Deal with it.

Combined Injury Report

Mets
Holy shit! These guys are banged up about as badly as the Padres were.

Carlos Beltran – Out until late July due to his mole becoming self-aware. Both Carlos and Molos are in therapy right now.
Alex Cora – Out recieving hormone therapy for having a name that sounds way too much like a female.
Carlos Delgado – Broke his hip when he lost his grip on his walker rounding 3rd on a home run.
John Maine – Right Shoulder Fatigue. (Insert masturbation joke here)
Ramon Martinez – Actually a puddle of Pedro Martinez’s hair-grease that came to life.
Fernando Martinez – An early attempt at a hybrid of Fernando Nieve and Pedro Martinez. This experiment failed horribly when Fernando injured himself climbing out of the test-tube he was created in and immediately went to the DL.
Fernando Nieve – Post partum depression. (See above)
J.J. Putz – Anyone with the last name Putz is bound to end up on the DL eventually.
Jose Reyes – Groin fatigue after being fellated for 5 years straight by ESPN’s Baseball Tonight crew.
Gary Sheffield – Available as an emergency pinch hitter. Also, his giant ego is being used as a substitute apple for the Met home run celebration until Mets officials can figure out what the hell is wrong with the regular one.
Billy Wagner – Finally popped off to the wrong person. He 86 year old grandmother laid him out with a right cross after Billy said grandma “has honestly got to step up and know that we’ve just used every other pie filling in the fridge” after having a slice of her homemade apple pie.

Astros

Aaron Boone – <3s the Astros.
Doug Brocail – is rehabbing in AAA then AA.
Chris Sampson – can come off the DL July 25th. Suffered shoulder spasms in his throwing arm.
Lance Berkman – strained his calf while reaching for his gummi-bear stash he keeps in his sock. Tried to play through it, but finally admitted he needed some time off for it to heal. Word on the street is that the hot-dog vendors in the stadium are upping their inventory 100% for Lance’s DL stay.

Our Interesting Things To Look For:

Follow the action in the Game Zone, that is of course unless your daughter is bleeding. And if she is, for Christ’s sake, put a leash on her and take her to the vet!