Wow. What a kick in the pants that was. Checking the standings of the NL Central today, I realized that the Redlegs stand a staggering thirteen games ahead of the Good Guys, and they’re not even leading the division. Jesus. Talk about franchises headed in opposite directions. That is uglier than a room full of shirtless Cub fans.
Minute Maid Park
Friday July 23, 7:05 pm FS-H HD
Saturday July 24, 6:05 pm FS-H HD
Sunday July 25, 1:05 pm FS-H HD
Projected Matchups From Astros.com
Friday
Travis Wood (0-1, 2.03) v. Bud Norris (2-7, 6.09)
Well, this is a great start. Some guy that nobody has ever heard of that apparently has just pitched like a beast since being called up versus Bud “Rock Me Sock Me” Norris. Wood has started four games for a total of twenty six innings. His stats so far: 12 hits, 6 earned runs, 2 homers, 9 walks, 23 strikeouts, .79 WHIP.
And the best news? Nobody on the Astros have ever faced him. Transation: We’re boned.
Bud Norris is basically a disaster so far this year. His ERA has hovered around 6 the entire season, and other than a gem against the Padres a few weeks ago that he still took the loss in, he hasn’t shown many signs of getting better. Looking at his game log, the number of 4.somethings and 5.0’s is pretty alarming considering how many pitches he is throwing per game.
The Redlegs bat a respectable .278 against Bud, but have only collected three RBIs against him as a team. Orlando Cabrera (2-3) and Jay Bruce (1-1) are the only ones that have great (and VERY limited) stats against him. Joey Votto (0-3) hasn’t done a damn thing. So, if you’re keeping score at home, put ALL your money on Votto going 8-8 with 4 home runs against Bud tonight.
Saturday
Johnny Cueto (9-2, 3.39) v. Roy Oswalt (6-11, 3.12)
Cueto is having a dominating year so far, like most of the Reds starters. He hasn’t given up more than two runs in his last two starts. Really, the only thing you can complain about with Cueto is he doesn’t eat innings as much as you’d want him to. In six of his twenty starts, he’s gone less than six innings.
Good news, the Astros knock Johnny C. around a little bit, sporting a .311 average and .975 OPS against him. Twinkie (5-13, 2 HR) leads the charge, with Thunderpants (6-20), MB (5-14), Q (2-6), and Paul Happy (2-3) all chipping in. Kabong (3-14) isn’t so hot, and Kepp (0-1) has never gotten a hit off him either.
Sunday
Mike Leake (7-1, 3.45) v. Wandy Rodriguez (7-11, 5.11)
Leake recently was fired from his job as the head football coach at Texas Tech, and is su… oh, right. Leake has come back down to earth a little bit, in that his ERA is actually visible to the naked eye now. Leake has given up 5 or more earned runs in five of his last eight starts, maybe showing that the league has figured him out a little bit.
Fear not though, Astros fans! The Good Guys, in their two appearances against Mike, have mustered a whopping 9 hits in 36 at bats. Four of those nine have come from Jeff Keppinger BECAUSE YOU CAN’T THROW THAT WEAK ASS SHIT TO JEFF KEPPINGER, BITCH! The other five belong to Hunter Pence (2), Pedro Feliz (2), and Michael Bourn (1). So don’t expect much.
Despite a minor setback in Fucktardville Chicago, Wandy is pitching much better as of late. A sure sign I dropped him from my fantasy team only to have him snatched off the waiver wire. Damnit.
Joey Votto (7-22), Jonny Gomes (6-13), Miguel Cairo (4-7), and Ramon Hernandez (5-13) all hit the Lil’est Lefty pretty well. Brandon Phillips (7-29), Drew Stubbs (0-7) and Jay Bruce (1-17) all stink up the joint pretty good. Wow Jay, probably should sit a few plays out, buddy.
The “Roy Oswalt Whiny Ass Trade Me Or I’ll Keep Bitching In The Media” Tour continues. Frankly, I say get the best offer you can for him and send him packing for a boatload of prospects and be done with him. If 15 million dollars isn’t enough to make you happy Roy-O, hit the bricks.
The Reds hit RoyO surprisingly well considering his historic dominance aginast them (23-2, 2.62 ERA). They bat a cool .293 as a team against Roy in 188 at bats, but only have 5 homers and 18 RBIs. Brandon Phillips (12-35), Joey Votto (8-27), Miguel Cairo (5-17), and Laynce Nix (I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY! 7-15) all hit him pretty well. Orlando Cabrera (0-9,), Scott Rolen (9-42), and Jay Bruce (7-26) struggle agianst Roy, so he’s got that going for him, which is nice.
Notable Giveaways and Promotions
Friday – A pretty sweet looking Blue Retro cap. Until you look inside it and realize there’s a free embroidered picture of Pam in there. WOOF! And fireworks, of course.
Saturday – A Mike Scott Bobblehead, presumably brought to you by Sure Deodorant.
Sunday – A Webkinz doll. I *STILL* don’t know what the fuck a Webkinz is, and I’m still VERY happy about it.
Stupid Ass MLB.com Fantasy Baseball Injury Report
Reds – Homer Bailey is on the 15 Day DL with shoulder inflammation. Doh!
Chris Dickerson is on the 60 Day DL with a broken hook on his hamate bone. I’m not sure what language that injury is in.
Aaron Harang is on the 15 Day DL for being an ugly motherfucker with a funny nickname. Heh, Harangatang.
Mike Lincoln is on the 60 Day DL with a pulled muscle on his right side. Wow, thrilling.
And lastly, Scott Rolen is Day to Day with a sore hammy. But then again, aren’t we really all day to day?
Astros – Geoff Blum – 15 Day DL for loose bodies in his elbow. Damn slutty elbow.
Alberto Arias is still out of the year with a blowed up shoulder.
Jeff Fulchino developed tendonitis in his elbow while proving to the rest of the bullpen he really could eat two dozen cupcakes in three innings.
Tommy Manzella’s pinky is still broken, which makes it really difficult to show his class while drinking tea.
Brian Moehler strained his groin helping carry Fulchino to the trainers room after CupcakeGate ’10.
Felipe Paulino is out for an undetermined amount of time due to a strained rotator cuff. Yeah, my rotator cuff is strained too from writing about all these goddamned injuries.
Our Interesting Things To Look For
Not much interesting to see here other than two clubs headed in opposite directions. The Reds look to be legit contenders for at least the Wild Card if not the NL Central Crown, while the Astros are headed down to the basement to play spin the bottle with the Pirates. Ugh.
I just realized that I don’t have a single Cubs series this whole season. I tried to muster up some good, old fashioned hate for this preview, but I just can’t the Reds enough to write that way. Mostly I just spent this entire time sighing and longing for f-bomb laced tirades about Fuckhead Soriano and Fat Lou, who is on his way out at the end of the year.
Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Or in the Astros case, you win some, you lose a shitload more.
I’d also like to take this time to plug a new TV show I’ve been watching recently. If you haven’t checked out The Good Guys on Fox yet, it’s hilarious. Bradley Whitford has a monster mustache, and the show is just ridiculous. Check it out, I think you’ll like it.
Discuss this weekend’s activities in The GameZone!
Monday – A Cubs mousepad that urges you to visit Las Vegas, which ironically is what about half of the Cubs’ line-up should be doing – visiting the Las Vegas 51s as members of the Iowa Cubs. Feel free to insert your own Round Rock jokes here as well.
