If you ignore the Pirates, and why wouldn’t you as they have been mathematically eliminated from major league baseball, the Mets and the Astros sport the two most anaemic offenses in the National League.  Between them they are last and second-to-last in batting average, runs scored, hits, RBI, on-base percentage and slugging.  That stinks worse than…New Jersey!Read More

Contributed by Ebby Calvin

I am deeply sorry to report that Mark will not be here for this Pirates Preview.  Instead, you get me.  The guy who knows nothing about baseball.  The guy who’s been out of town since before Oswalt was traded and hasn’t watched a live Astros game since.  The guy who talks about himself in the 3rd person.   Yup, me.

And now that my journalistic obligation to include myself in a story has been fulfilled (for now), I’ll move onto the games.

Surprisingly, ESPN hasn’t picked up any of this weekend’s slugfest between the 4th- and 6th-place teams in the NL Central.  Understandable, but the end of this season holds more for Astros fans to watch than in years past.  Despite the standings, it’s meaningful baseball.  The trade deadline dust has settled, each new player has checked in at the Astros Greyhound Station for their minor league assignments, while Castro and the Walrus get their feet wet.  It’s time to see the fruits of Wade/Heck’s labor, and it’s time to see if the Astros are better at rebuilding (refreshing, whatever) than the Pirates seem to be.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, August 13, 7:05pm CST
Saturday, August 14, 6:05pm CST
Sunday, August 15, 1:05pm CST

Thank goodness the games start 5 minutes after the hour.  Getting to the park by 7pm is nigh impossible, but 7:05, that’s a different story.

Notable Giveaways

Friday the first 10,000 fans get an HEB umbrella.  A terrible idea.  Fireworks after the game.
Saturday is Young Professionals Night, sponsored by Budweiser.  Know thy audience, Budweiser.
The first 10,000 kids 14 and under on Sunday  get a Chest Protector Backpack, which will thwart back-end projectiles (NTTAWWT) from the bullies at school who wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one.

Projected Matchups

Friday

Russ Ohlendorf (1-9, 4.23) vs. Brett Myers (8-7, 3.21)

Ohlendorf is a tall righty who was born in Austin and played college ball at Princeton.  He has a 7.57 ERA in 27.1 IP against the Astros over the last three years and an 8.03 ERA at MMPUS.  Beaker (.375, 1 HR) and Bourn (.286, 3 RBI) hit him well, and the Man Who is So Good He Could Only be Named Angel has 2 hits in 4 ABs against him.  Ohlendorf doesn’t throw weak-ass shit to Keppinger, who is 1/14 against him.  Blummer (.286) and Carlos (.250, 1 HR) hit him pretty well, too.

No current Pirate has a HR off of Myers, but The Current and Future Anchor of the Staff would do well to avoid the Milledge Idiot, who has hit him for .300 with 4 RBIs over 20 ABs.  Andy TheRoach is a perfect 3/3 against him.

Saturday

Paul Maholm (7-10, 4.90) vs. Nelson Figueroa (3-1, 3.38)

Maholm owns the Astros, and anybody who’s watched the team over his 5-year career knows that.  Pence (.258, 1 HR, 6 RBI) and Q (.333, 1 RBI) hold their own against him, but everybody else sucks.  Fortunately, St. Sanchez is 2/3 and has promised much smiting if the Astros fall behind early.
And they probably will.  Figueroa makes his first start as an Astro after WW got sent down.  The ‘Roots have limited experience against him, with 4 hits in 13 ABs as a squad.

Sunday

Jeff Karstens (2-8, 4.39) vs. Bud Norris (4-7, 5.63)

Karstens went to Tech, so we know he’s at least not very bright.  Over the last three years he sports a 5.60 ERA and a .318 BAA vs. the Good Guys.  Pence, again, hits him the most – .429, 1 HR.  Everybody else has marginal success.  Feliz sucks, but we already knew that.
Norris is coming off a nice start (despite the 4 ER), and has one career start vs. the Pirates (6 IP, 1 ER, W).  But the current lineup hits .378 in 37 ABs, so something will have to break.

Injury Report
Pittsburgh
Chris Jakubauskas hit the 60-day DL after spelling his name for the 10,000th time.
Jose Ascaino is on a Class A rehab stint, which probably looks an awful lot like the current Pirates roster.
Steve Pearce is entirely boring and is out for the season.  As if anybody noticed or cared.

Houston
Lindstrom (back) is questionable for Friday’s game.
Manzella is rehabbing in Round Rock, where he’s secretly plotting to take a tire iron to Angel Sanchez’s knees.  Little does he know that even tire irons fear Angel Sanchez.
Moehler is hurt in his swimsuit area, still deciding what to do.
Paulino’s shoulder hurts.
Fuck Arias.

With Apologies to strosrays

“You ever ridden one of these things before, son?” he asked.

“Sure,” I lied.

And why not lie?  How hard can it be to drive a Harley?  I’d driven dirt bikes before in the back country of Missouri, surely an Oregon State Trooper’s Harley Davidson isn’t much different.  I hopped on.

I was covering an Oregon Dept of Transportation (ODOT) motorcycle-safety training course for the Medford, OR CBS affiliate (slow news day), and I needed a cool angle for my standup.  So I carefully set up the tripod, mount the camera, tether my wireless mic and press record.  The idea was to drive around, start giving my reporter spiel and come to a complete stop within frame and in front of the camera.  Didn’t happen that way.

After begrudgingly strapping on a helmet, I was ready to go.  Got the beast humming, cranked the ignition to sound like a badass, then stalled it.  One more time.  “I must be rusty,” I said.  Stalled again.

“Third time’s the charm!”  Stalled.

Fuck.  Here I am, dozens of cops around me, making a complete fool of myself.  Plus the idiot who loaned me his chopper looks a bit more nervous than he did 10 minutes ago.  I need to get this thing rolling NOW.

So I did.  I somehow mastered the whole clutch phenomenon and the thing just took off.  And I mean FAST.  What power! What speed!  I’m doing it! I’m moving fast in a straight line!

But I needed to be turning.

Alas, I didn’t turn.  I froze, stupid grin on my face, and drove right off a three-foot embankment.  I was thrown over the handlebars, through the plastic windshield and onto my head, finally landing on my back.

Once I realized what happened and made sure nothing hurt too badly, I opened my eyes.  Directly above me, just like out of a fucking movie, was a circle of faces looking down at me.  Except all of these faces belonged to cops.  And they were pissed.

I feared the worst for the motorcycle, but happily it survived the tumble in one piece – only the breakaway windshield had to be snapped back into place.  A couple of scratches, but nothing too noticeable.  I made it out with a few cracked ribs, again, nothing too tragic.

Thankfully all of this was out of frame for my camera, which was rolling at the time.  Not so thankfully, my rival station sent a reporter there who was also rolling at the time.  Pointed straight at me.  They ran the story that night.  Fuckers.

And that’s how I successfully crashed a police motorcycle and got away with it.

This relates to Astros baseball because, um, well, you know, it doesn’t.  strosrays I am not.

Astros 2-1

The Astros are coming home for a 10-game stand after a strange roadtrip. The Good Guys started the trip by dropping 27 runs on the Jakes in two games, but then they just sort of shit the bed the rest of the way.

But who cares, the main thing is that the Astros of the future are getting big-league experience, especially when it comes to pounding on Cardinals. The homestand will start with three games against the Braves, then three against the Pirates and four against the goddamn Mets. And since Bobby Cox is retiring, this is his last visit to Minute Maid; so if there’s something you’ve been wanting to yell at him, this is your last chance.

The Braves are 15 games over .500 and currently two games ahead of the Phillies (which coincidentally is the same number of games Roy hasn’t won for Philadelphia.) Chipper Jones mentioned retirement earlier in the season, and he has had a hitting surge since then.

But things haven’t gone as well lately for two of the Braves’ young hotshots – Martin Prado has a busted finger so he’s on the shelf, while Jason “VaJayHey” Heyward just flat fell off the shelf. He hasn’t hit a homer since June 17 and only has five RBI since June 22. Kind of a drop off after starting in the All-Star Game and getting all that Rookie of the Year talk.

Minute Maid Park

Monday, August 9, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Tuesday, August 10, 7:05 p.m. CDT
Wednesday, August 11, 1:05 p.m. CDT

You know what, I’m going to quit listing the TV broadcasts unless it’s a nationally televised game or something. Everyone knows it’s on Fox Sports – Houston, or whatever your local variant is. You know where to find it.

Notable giveaways

Not a fucking thing except deals for bargain seats and cheap food and shit. Plus it’s cheapo seat time anyway, because of all those runs the offense dropped on the Jakes. So go celebrate dropping a soupbone on the motherfucking Co-Ards, which is better than a shitty old bobblehead or a totebag anyday.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday

Mike Minor (0-0, -.–) v. Bud Norris (4-7, 5.65)

Minor is a lefty from Vanderbilt who’s making his MLB debut. He was the Braves’ top draft pick last year.

Norris has won his last two starts, but he got shelled by the Braves earlier in the season when he gave up seven earned runs in less than five innings. Troy Glaus, Melky Cabrera, and VaJayHey are all 2-for-2 against him. Cabrera and Heyward both have 3 RBI as well.

Tuesday

Jair Jurrjens (4-4, 4.48) v. J.A. Happ (1-1, 9.00)

J-J-J-Just look sat all those J’s; someone’s getting the fishhook today for sure. Jurrjens has only faced the Astros once, and that was last year in relief. Pedro Feliz is the only Astro with more than one AB against him; Feliz goes 4-for-17 with a homer. Lee, Blum, and Pence all have singles off him.

Happ is 2-0 against the Braves in five appearances. Current Braves only go 13-for-49 (.265) against Happ, but the guy to watch out for is Matt Diaz, who’s 5-for-7 with a double and a homer off Happ. Jumpin Jiminy!

Wednesday

Tommy Hanson (8-8, 3.69) v. Wandy Rodriguez (9-11, 4.34)

Hanson has two appearances against the Astros, including a win earlier this season when he went eight innings and gave up two earned runs. The Braves have lost Hanson’s last five starts and he doesn’t have a win since before the All-Star Break, but it’s not really his fault. He’s only given up a couple of earned runs per game during that time, but the Braves aren’t scoring for him. Maybe that’s why they didn’t get Oswalt; they already have a guy with no run support.

Blum and Lee have hit Hanson pretty well in limited AB’s, while Bourn and Pence are a combined 1-for-13 with 6 strikeouts. Pedro Feliz has a double off Hanson, which is the only extra-base hit by a current Astro.

Old Man Wandy has faced the Braves a whopping seven times for a 2-2 record. He took a loss against them on May 1 when he gave up two earned runs in five innings. Chipper Jones is only 4-for-17 against Wandy, but he has two homers and a triple. Glaus and Diaz have also hit Wandy pretty well, while Ankiel and McCan’t havent’ touched him at all.

Injury Report

I’m also going to quit linking to the Astros’ website injury report because it sucks balls, and I don’t mean in a tender, healing way. It currently says Geoff Blum could begin a rehab stint on July 30.

Atlanta – Martin Prado is still on the DL, along with relievers Kris Medlin and Eric O’Flaherty. Mike Minor is taking Medlin’s place on the roster.

Houston – Manzella is rehabbing in Corpus Christi and blatantly ignoring the Angel Sanchez thread. Moehler (detached boner tendon) and Paulino are still on the DL and don’t look to be back anytime soon.

Rattling Around in the Corner

* How’s this for muscle memory? I had an Astros game on recently but wasn’t really paying attention. That old Texaco commercial came on — the one with the goddamn “Tex message” chime I hadn’t heard in a year or more — and I immediately grabbed the remote and hit the Mute button without ever looking at the TV. This is why it’s so important to make a play on the Mute button every single time; you never know when a shitty old commercial is going to go back into the rotation.

* I’ve finally figured out a good analogy for watching Hunter Pence track a fly ball. I realize that not everyone will understand the comparison, but bear with me. Watching Spaz track a fly ball is like the first time you tried to play a video game with a hand-held controller (especially if you were used to the keyboard and mouse combo). Because the first time you use a controller and try to run your character around, you swoop around and make a huge-ass curve, and then run backward for a minute like a crazy moonwalk or something, and then you crouch and crash into a wall. And then you try to go through a door but you’re weaving like a snake, so you miss the door and hit the goddamn wall again, and then loop all the way around and hit the other side of the door. So then you just say fuck it and mash the joystick forward and run straight into the wall and slide slowly along it until you finally crash through the fucking door. Yeah, Pence is kind of like that. But with more diving, flailing, balls bouncing off his glove, and missing the cutoff man.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.