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  • News (Page 125)

You Take It

Posted on August 21, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Giants 6, Astros 4

W: Affeldt (2-2)
L: Melancon (6-4)

“Oh no no no no no. I insist.”

“Oh I just couldn’t. Please. After you.”

“I couldn’t live with myself if I went first. Please.”

“I just couldn’t. Please.”

“Oh no no no no.”

Sunday’s game was a cap to an invigorating six game stretch for the home nine. The new boys have been giving it what they’ve got, and even though they were taking it to the shittiest bunch of loserly fucks in the National League and what must be the most snakebit club in the loop, they did prevail with a 4-2 record in that stretch. Yeah, it coulda been 5-1 because the Giants absolutely refused gift after gift after gift from the Astros but in the end the panda took the bamboo for the win in extrys.

Sosa started and gave up a three-run jack to Belt in the second, but the Astros came back for four walks in the bottom of the second wrapped around a two-RBI single from Martinez and a couple of other hits to take the lead, 4-3. Tied in the eighth and in the middle of a stretch of several innings getting the leadoff runner aboard to no avail, the Giants had the bases loaded but Martinez made the play of the game. He snagged a fly to medium left and threw out a tagging Schierholtz at the plate on the fly, including a fine block of the plate by Corporan. Martinez was 3 for 5 on his 24th birthday, with two RBI but he couldn’t put the ball in play in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded. Without that last little bit of mojo, the curse of the extra innings caught up with the Good Guys when Melancon served up a fat cookie to Sandoval, who turned it into the turd of a two-run homer that extended their lead over the Diamondbacks.

Once again the kids looked good though. Plenty of entertainment value in this one, not the least of which is Altuve’s continued March to Greatness. He had a perfect sac bunt and one of the more bizarre pickoff recovery plays you’ll ever see.

After the game, Lyles was sent to OKC for a few days to make room for Schafer. The Astros expect to run out 2011’s clock on Lyles’ arm by using him in relief for the rest of the year. I hope that doesn’t mean working him in in emergency situations, but instead getting him a couple of innings of relief every fourth or fifth day.

Now it’s on to Denver tomorrow.

SUFFICIENTLY BREATHLESS

Posted on August 21, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps, News

HOUSTON 7, San Francisco 5
August 20, 2011
MMPUS

WP: Lyles (2-7, 5.02)
LP: Bumgarner (7-12, 3.68)

The LinkRead More

Giants, rare win

Astros vs. Giants: If You’re not First, You’re Last

Posted on August 19, 2011 by Limey in Featured, Series Previews

To be honest, phoning this one in seemed like more work than just writing some crap, so I chose the latter.  It’s the dreaded Friday afternoon preview that is read by ones of you, so it’s not like anyone will care one way or the other.

Your new look Astros t-ball roster is continuing this season’s efforts by drifting along a about a .300 clip.  They are on a winning streak (of 2) right now, so there is that.  They have also reached the 40-win threshold…about a month later than the second-to-last team to do that.  This projects out to a 52-110 record – which would put the Astros just outside the top 25 on Wikipedia’s list of worst regular season record’s in MLB – behind the 2004 D-Bags at 51-111.

That’s what we’re shooting for, folks: to stay off the list that even the nerds who contribute to Wikipedia could not be bothered to research past 25 teams.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, 7:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Saturday, 6:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Sunday, 1:05pm CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV

Probable Match-Ups

Game #1:  Ryan Vogelsong (10-2, 2.47) vs. Wandy Rodriguez (8-9, 3.50)

“Vogelsong” is actually Dutch-Irish for “Winklevoss”, which is Islamo-Swedish for “silver spoon cry-baby”.  He sports a soul patch, which has never really been cool, and smokes the Astros.  I’m not even going to bother with pitcher vs. hitter commentary because: (a) it would be a terrible misnomer; and (2) there are members of as yet undiscovered tribes in Papua New Guinea who have more at-bats against this Astros’ roster than most major league pitchers.

Is it me, or is Wandy looking a little tubby these days?  Whether he does or not, his ERA has been getting a little extra around the middle, as he struggles to stay within striking distance of .500.   1-2 in his last 3 starts at 3.71, which is both the same and worse than his career against the Giants of 1-2, 5.71.  Only Orlando Cabrera has any trouble (and if he’s been traded to the Braves without me knowing I don’t care), while everyone else sees Wandy as fat as I do.

Game #2: Madison Bumgarner (7-11, 3.49) vs. Jordan Lyles (1-7, 5.31)

“Madison Bumgarner” is Franco-Swahili for “chick who parks it in the rear on the internet”.  Jeez his parents must’ve really hated him.  God hates him too, apprently, because he’s a lefty, playing on the defending WS Champs, has a better ERA than our Wandy and a worse win-loss record.  Normally I would assume that anyone suffering as much unnecessary adversity as this guy would be a shoe-in for a set of wings, but I think he’s going to be fucked there too.  Just look at his bank account!  Eh?  Oh.

Lyles

Jordan Lyles head shot looks like he’s either: (i) watching two girls, one cup; or (b) getting Franco-Swahili lessons from his mound opponent.  If (b), I’m guessing that he’s somehow reminded of he recent starts.  Which have been like getting fucked in the arse (I got bored with innuendo which is both a damning indictment of this season, and itself innuendo*).  He’s never faced the Giants.

* An Italian suppository.

Game #3:  TBA (not bad, decent) vs. TBA (holy fuck, where’s my mummy)

Astros lose.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias, Castro, del Rosario, Lyon and Schafer.  As if any of that matters.

Giants:  Carlos Beltran has just hit the 15-day DL with a sore right hand.  So many choices here, but I’m going to go with “I didn’t know his contract was up for renegotiation”.  Jeff Keppinger is day-to-day with a sore wrist – but he gets a pass on the masturbation jokes because he’s Jeff Fucking Keppinger.  Pat Burrell has a bone spur in his right foot.  Not by accident – he’s been growing it especially for Beltran who likes how it feels in his anus.  Buster Posey is still recovering from GBH.  Further masturbatory injuries (all true) include:  Sergio Romo (sore right elbow); Freddy Sanchez (dislocated right shoulder); Brian Wilson (inflamed right elbow); and Barry Zito (right foot and ankle sprain).  And if you’ve never sprained your right foot and ankle masturbating, you’re doing it wrong.  Right Alkie?

Giveaways and Promotions

Wait, I’m not done with the Giants injury report.  Aaron Rowand (strained left side) and Andres Torres (leg contusion).  Both from masturbating.  Each other.

Hideous

Giveaways and Promotions (The New Beginninging)

Friday:  10,000 examples of this hideous umbrella – perfect for our rain-soaked city – most of which will go unclaimed, or end up in the lower intestine of a San Francisco Giant.  Also fireworks after the game and that Coca Cola Value deal thingy.

Saturday:  10,000 “Los Astros” t-shirts, which are way too easy to convert to “Last Astros”, or “Lost Astros” or just simply “Lastros”.  I mean, really, they are more on auto-pilot in the front office than I am writing this preview.  There will, however, be a Hispanic Street Festival – complete with Latin food and beverages, games, dancers, an exciting selection of live music, a drug war and donkey sex show.  Well, there was at the last Hispanic Street Festival I attended.

Sunday:  10,000 Astros kids tees, kids run the bases (isn’t that normal for the Astros now?) and the Coca Blala Blavue Blay.

What’s On Limey’s Mind

My passport.  I sent my old one in for renewal, and they sent me someone else’s in return.  Doesn’t even look like me.  How the fuck does this happen?   Who the fuck has my passport?  Are they seriously going to charge me $157 for the emergency travel document I need next week because they lost my passport?

At least I now know what sparked the riots, because there’s an Embassy in Washington that I want to raze to the ground.

Serious Series Stuff

Posted on August 18, 2011 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Cubs 3, Astros 4
W: Norris (6-8) L: Coleman (2-5) SV: Melancon (12)

Box Score and Recap
GameZone

I totally missed seeing this game. I thought I was recording it but that did not happen which makes me sad. It was my plan for the evening after running errands. Oh well, the Astros won and that is all that really matters. The Astros beating the Cubs and winning the series is the kind of thing that makes Baby Jesus and Mohammed smile.

From what I read in the GameZone, Bud played with fire a couple times in the game and got yanked in the 5th. Surprisingly, the bullpen was able to go 4 innings without giving up a run. Will be interesting to see what Keppinger does to this bullpen when he comes to town this weekend. Altuve only got one hit, slacker. I hope he does a better job when I get to see him in person on Friday!!! I also hope I get an umbrella, I left my old, broken Astros umbrella at a bar and need a replacement. Plus, there are fireworks on Friday night!!! I love fireworks.

Lots of things are changing for people right now. Summer is about over. Kids are going back to school. I have to start getting up early for work. The time cushion I have is going to be gone Monday and it is already made worse because of the Metro construction happening around work. Football is getting ready to start, so get ready for a lot of UT threads in that regard.

Pope Benedict XVI is in Madrid, Spain. There is suppose to be a strike of airline workers while he is there. Not sure why. Get ready for the campaigning to start for the next US President. A number of people will be lying to you.

Special shout-out to Neil T. for sharing the Brad Ausmus news. He obviously knows how much I love and miss Bradley.

The temperature here in Houston is expected to get up to 104 degrees. That is hot!!!

I’m looking for suggestions on how to determine the winner of RFTL, because right now HudsonHawk and Limey did not get their picks in timely and technically are not qualified picks. PM me your suggestion. I may use one or just save the money and buy myself a Cowboys shirt.

We Suck Better Than You

Posted on August 15, 2011 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

That’s right.  We suck.  Get it out of your system, assholes.  We have the worst record in all of MLB.  Not a single Astros farm team has a winning record, either.  Go ahead – name our best player.  Better yet – just name two players.  Didn’t think you could.  The Astros suck and there’s not a damn thing that’s going to change that in the near future.

You know why this doesn’t bother me?  Because even though the Astros suck, I’m still not a fucking Cubs fan.  And I can fall fast asleep each night knowing that.

This Astros team is putting together a historically bad season, but you have a historically bad TEAM.  See the difference?  I go to games to watch baseball – you go to get slobbering drunk, just to find the courage to hit on the three-toothed diner hag sitting in the two seats next to you.  My team’s greens crew knows how to keep the weeds from climbing the outfield walls – something that IMPROVES your stadium.  Only the idiots at Astros games throw back homerun balls – EVERYBODY at Wrigley throws them back.

I don’t worship the seventh inning stretch, either.  Sure, my ears bleed every time I hear Deep in the Heart of Texas, but at least I don’t have to endure fucking Snooki or Trump or whoever passes as someone of importance in your puny little minds butchering an already tired song.

And finally, but most importantly, I’m not a loser, lovable or otherwise.

Enjoy being second to last this year.  I’m sure you’re used to it by now.

Cubs @ Astros Preview

All You Care About Is What Time the Games Start and Who Is Pitching

Monday 7:05pm, MMPUS

Rodrigo Lopez (3-3, 4.78) vs Henry Sosa (0-1, 6.00)

Tuesday 7:05pm, MMPUS

Ryan Dumpster (10-8), 4.70) vs Brett Myers (3-12, 4.71)

Wednesday 1:05pm, MMPUS

Casey Coleman (2-4, 7.23) vs TBD (0-0, 0.00)

Promotions

Basically every game is like $5 now.

Injuries

Arias, Castro and Lyon get to ignore the rest of the season.  Del Rosario might come back in September.  Shafer is due at the end of the week.

Cashner, Mateo and Schlitter are out for awhile.  Zambrano (sandy vagina) is out for his career.

News & Notes

Sorry for the short post, hopefully JaneDoe can fill in a few blanks from her recent trip to Chicago soon.

Oh, and FUCK THE CUBS!

Good Morning, Here’s The News

Posted on August 14, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Dodgers 7, Astros 0

W: Kuroda (8-14)
L: Lyles (1-7)

Sure, I could talk about the futility. One run scored in the last 38 innings, one run in a three game series for the first time since 1988. I could go on and on about the same old stuff – the pitching isn’t good enough, the hitting is less than mediocre at best, anything situational is purely by accident, the catching is a joke half the time, the outfielders can’t throw – but all that is just repetition. We already know these things and the season still has a quarter of its length to go. I know you can already feel what it’s doing to you, there’s no reason to slide it all the way in because I don’t think you can take it right now. Not yet, anyway. Maybe later.

People started caring about what they eat
And people started smiling at everyone they meet
And people started looking for good instead of bad
Realize what they could lose and what they always had

Lyles may be feeling the effects of a long season on his abilities for the first time in a while. His command continues to be spotty and his command is his best weapon. Despite that, he was better than today’s results, at least until the sixth inning. The Dodgers took advantage of mistakes, but a tired 20-year-old is going to make them.

People started growing, instead of being crushed
And people started slowing down instead of being rushed
And people started looking with very different eyes
And this information now comes as a surprise

Altuve continues to get hits and he’s making the plays at second. If he can adjust to the inevitable changes major league pitchers make to him, he’s going to be the Astros second baseman for a while. He’s got great bat speed and that short swing and stature enables him to cover the plate well.

Good morning here’s the news and all of it is good
Good evening here’s the news and all of it is good
And the weather’s good!

Paredes made two outstanding plays in the field. The first was in the stands on a foul pop that kept a tough inning from becoming a disaster. The second was his spear of a hot smash over the bag on its way to the left field corner, but Paredes’ dive to his right gloved the dart. His throw to first was a one-hopper that didn’t get the runner, but it showed range and hands that we’d heard might not be there, especially range to his right. He’s got an absolute gun for an arm too.

And people started feeling that better’s on the way
And people started feeling some peace and calm today
And people started liking the way that good life feels
And every precious moment becoming what is real

Bogusevic has discovered a power stroke and maybe things are coming together for him. He’s hitting .288. Paredes is hitting .283, Martinez .250 with real power, Altuve .333. They’re all kids, fresh with the excitement that was missing from the team earlier and they’re getting a crash course in major league competition. It’s going to be baby steps from here, little victories within a framework of losses while they skip that development we don’t get to see and instead play it out in front of all of us. Night after night.

It’s easy for me to curse the darkness. Sometimes you have to make sure there is still some light out there as well.

Good morning here’s the news and all of it is good
Good evening here’s the news and all of it is good
And the weather’s good!

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