Monday, September 5, 2011

Astros 1
Pirates 3

W: McDonald | L: Sosa | S: Hanrahan! Your wife’s a dyke!

This will have to be another short recap since I saw just the last 2 innings and today’s my birthday. I’ve got drinking to do.

Basically, this game was played in rain varying from a slight drizzle to fucking monsoon. If LaGenius managed the Pirates, they’d have called it yesterday. If Bud were in charge of this one, I’d be writing a recap from Milwaukee. Anyway, ‘roots pitcher Jason McDonald had his mojo workin’ on this young line up, scattering 3 hits and a run through 7+.

The Astros scored first in the 3rd when Sosa worked a walk then Altuve smacked a searing fly ball to right that bounced off the glove of a tracking Tabata. Scored a triple, it got Sosa home for a 1-run lead.

Sosa didn’t pitch too bad hisself, giving up just two 4th inning runs and going 6. The Pirates made it 3-1 in the 8th with a Derrick Lee solo jack off of Wilton.

The boys made it exciting in the 9th, just as the monsoons came. Hanrahan in and he gives a lead-off walk to Lee. With CJ running for Lee, Bogie Ks then Paredes singled for 1st and 2nd, 1 out. Matt Downs PH for Sanchez and bloops a pop-up into no-man’s land in shallow right. The runners break and CJ gets a hard stop sign at 3rd but Paredes wheels his way around second, not realizing CJ stopped. By the time he does, he’s in a rundown 20 feet past the bag. By the time he’s tagged, Downs got to second but a fly ball to left by PH Schuck ended the game.

To help Reuben out, I stole this quote from the Astros.com recap: “I didn’t read the pop fly, but I didn’t see the runner in front of me and I didn’t see the coach, [either],” Paredes said.

So, he had his head up his ass. I know that’s harsh, but he did.

Brewers 4, Astros Nada
W: Marcum (12-5)
L: Rodriguez (10-10)

Another Sunday with another nemesis, another day of the Astros not being carried on my cable system. We had plenty going on, what with the massive wild fires elbowing their way through our lives like Diana Ross shoving Mary and Cindy aside, but still we soldier on.

By some accounts a game was played today, or at least a score was tallied and adjustments were made to team records. Home Wandy did make an appearance and showed us a new version, First Two Outs Wandy and Shit, They Just Get Mad With Two Outs Wandy. First Two Outs Wandy kept the division-leading bullies scoreless through his six innings. Piss It All Away Wandy was touched for three runs on two homers however, and EDR gave up the other run in another two-out situation. Shawn Marcum continued Milwaukee’s spell over the Astro bats, clearly fashioned from wood felled in an uninhabited forest. Houston didn’t manage a hit until the sixth, and then only added two more over the final three frames. Although this game featured the return of Brett Wallace to the starting lineup, their filled chambers of runs to come have given way to little more than dusty farts, silent and powerless.

Now that they’ve rolled over to a 3-12 season record vs. Milwaukee, your Vichy Astros travel to Steeltown to inflate the egos of yet another team in need of a little tea and sympathy. Perhaps they’ll even show it to us on TV, like some kind of soft-core hotel porn channel. By now we’ve gotten used to the promise of the Sunny Leone / Tori Black thesp-off, only to settle in for another forty minutes of sweaty man ass bobbing across the frame, providing the interpretive hula to the repetitive MIDI riffs that serve as soundtrack for a little ‘solo time.’

Get comfortable with yourself in the Game Zone.

Monday, August 29th 2011

Pirates 4
Astros 7

W: Wandy | L: Grilli | S: Melancon

In a quick recap of tonight’s contest, Wandy had one of his most dominant outings of the year, despite the 3 runs he gave up in the 4th. His 13 Ks were a career high and his bender pretty much had the ‘roots on their heels all night.

It looked to unravel in the 4th with the Bucs producing double-homer-double-double but Wandy settled down and went back to making them look foolish through 7.

After getting to within 1, the 7th is when the Astros woke up. After Schafer took one for the team, Al-too-vay doubled for 2nd and 3rd with 1 out. With the ‘roots infield drawn in to protect the lead, JD sent a chopper to 3rd that Wood fielded and sent an off-balance throw home too late to get Schafer and the game was tied.

No matter, Kabong stepped up next and opened up the game with the 3-run dong! The semi-steady bullpen semi-protected the lead and the Pirates were sent home booty-less!!

Check out the Gamezone, not so much for the play-by-play but for a strosrays-induced listing of some obscure space-themed tunes.