Carmen Miranda Ain’t Got Shit On Me: Astros @ Marlins Series Preview

Posted on April 13, 2012 by GreatBagwellsBeard in News, Series Previews

Lick Away

Much of the focus in the pre-season and afterwards with regards to the newly geographically specific Miami Marlins has been on their garish spaceship of a stadium. Built with an amount of debt and tackiness that would doubly impress Donald Trump, it stands as the one bit of personality that the previous, generically Floridian Marlins lacked. So they’ve got that.

And it couldn’t have happened to a classier city. My one visit to that part of South Florida came around the time that Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was out, and it was truly surreal to ride around in a cab, through what were certainly the levels I’d been playing the night before. I’m pretty sure there are still some poorly-AI’ed police cars chasing me down there for all those pedestrians I smushed.

The other Marlins storyline has been their titanic jackass of a manager Ozzie Guillen. One of these days, some maniac is going to assemble a team with Carlos Zambrano, Milton Bradley, Luke Scott, Kyle Farnsworth, Bryce Harper, Manny Ramirez, and A.J. Pierzinski on it, with Ozzie managing, Ugeuth Urbina as pitching coach and Barry Bonds as hitting coach. Then they’ll sign lil Timmy Lincecum as a chew toy.

This whole season feels like the final week of classes to me. Everyone’s really busy getting ready for that next step, and as much as you’ve been told that the Real World is better than College Life, you want to believe in your heart that an eternal stay in the college town of your choice would actually be a positive, affirming life decision. Now, I’m not saying that the AL represents the Real World. If anything, the Astros are graduating from a pensioned position at a Fortune 500 company to work as a fucking fry cook at the Dairy Queen in Nacogdoches. But it feels like the end of school, because A) you want to believe that the Next Step won’t be so bad, and you wish you could just stay even though you can’t and B) you’re getting to see all of these people for the final time. Good, bad and ugly, you’re never going to really see them except at the rare reunions or tailgates or whatever, and it won’t be the same. And it fucking sucks. Even that crazy guy that you just met last week, the one with the jumping slot machine fish in center field, you know there’s not anybody like that Out There.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, April 13th

6:10 CT, Krusty’s Fun World Stadium

Lucas Harrell (1-0, 0.00) v. Ricky Nolasco (1-0, 3.68)

Harrell had an impressive outing in his first Astros start, beating an old man and not giving up any earned runs. He’s never faced the Fish before. Here’s hoping he makes some sushi. FISH PUNS!

Ricky Nolasco dresses like a member of Color Me Badd’s road crew. He’s a terrible person because of this single fact. Chris Johnson is 3 for 7 against him, and Schreefer has a triple. Everyone else is pretty meh against him. Slap that sorry-ass excuse for a goatee off his face and let’s get to him early. The Marlins relievers are having seizures in the bullpen due to the proximity to the home run sculpture thing.

Saturday, April 14th

6:10 CT, Frank Gehry Presents base\BALL Stadium

Bud Norris (0-0, 2.57) v. Carlos Zambrano (0-0, 6.00)

Bud’s off to a strong-ish start, with plenty of K’s against the Rockies on Sunday. Against the Marlins, Greg Dobbs has homered off him, and Chris Coughlan is completely hitless in 11 AB’s. Everyone else is somewhere in between.

Fuck Big Z. That is all.

Sunday, April 15th

1:10 CT, Amazing Technicolor Dream Park

J.A. Happ (1-0, 4.50) v. Anibal Sanchez (1-0, 2.84)

Jay started sloppy but came away with a win last week. This is actually a pattern I can deal with over the course of a season. Giancarlo “Joey Belle” Stanton has a homer off Happ, but bats .148 otherwise. Collectively, the Marlins hit .200/.345/.311 against Happ, but Lord knows what effect having a highlighter-colored outfield wall will do as far as seeing the ball out of his hand.

Anibal, who not only has a girl’s name but also mis-spelled it, has been sneaky-good for the past couple of years. Among the Astros, battery mates Happ and Castro are .500 against him and Justin Maxwell has a homer off him.

Prrrrromotions

It’s opening weekend at this particular new stadium. Let that sink in before we proceed:

Post-racial America, everyone.

Friday: Post-game Daddy Yankee concert, sponsored by Cholula Hot Sauce. Daddy Yankee, the poor man’s Pitbull, brought to you by a truly saucy wench.

Saturday: Saturday Spectacular. No description is provided, so I can only assume it means Cuban sandwiches for all, DWI’s for some.

Sunday: It’s Family Sunday, and the first 5,000 kids get an Opening Weekend Poster. When you stare at the poster, it looks like third place in the NL East.

Injuries:

Astros: Sergio Escalona is only mostly dead. Jed Lowrie is back, baby.

Marlins: Jose Ceda (who looks like a clean shaven Rick Ross, appropriately enough), had Tommy Juan surgery.

What To Watch For

– The COLORS

– THE COLORS!

– A story bout a man named Jed, who played shortstop, even though Marwin is pretty decent already.

– The regression to the mean.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

E(4) = L(3) for Wandy

Posted on April 12, 2012 by Andyzipp in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Somehow…I became responsible for this recap (and the one yesterday). I blame Polish women with a penchant for quitting.

Anyway, for the second time in two opportunities this season, four errors during a Wandy Rodriguez (0-1, 2.38) start led to loss Wednesday night as the Astros lost to the Braves 6-3. The loss wasted decent offensive performances from the remarkably mellow Jordan Schafer (.348), the diminutive Jose Altuve (.368) and the happy to be here/in need of a shave J.D. Martinez (.364), who hit his second dinger of the season in the first inning to give Houston their one and only lead of the game.

The Braves, who were making their last trip to Houston for the forseeable future, cashed in on wild pitches, shoddy defense and the sort of general malaise that the ticket-buying public possesses and HudsonHawk laments. During a particularly forgettable fourth inning, Atlanta managed to bat around with assistance from three of the four Astros hamfistings in the top of the frame. After a few more innings of general slapdickery, they called it a game.

The loss dropped the Astros (3-3) to .500 for the season, which…yay? Still better than expectations…still better than the Cubs.

Up next, 3 games against the Florida Miami Miracle Marlins in remarkably gaudy Marlins Park, which may or may not have Harvey Firestein working the PA.

The PA is reported to think the situation is fabulous.

Braves @ Astros…Let’s Celebrate 50!!! WTF??? Divorce papers??…..

Posted on April 10, 2012 by JaneDoe in Series Previews

Sorry guys and gals, I did not read the schedule clearly enough to notice I was slated to preview this series until late yesterday afternoon with budget hearings staring me in the face. Needless to say, I have the distinct dishonor of being the first this season to screw up a series preview. Boo on me.

As the last season in the NL commences, I am just PO’d at the thought that all the years and emotions I have invested in dislike, disdain, even utter contempt of several NL teams will be pissed away with the switch to the League That Must Not Be Named. I like disliking the Braves. I revel in replaying the anger over in my mind of years of playoff disapppointments at the likes of Maddoxand Glavine, not to mention fucking WW. Or damn Javy Lopez setting up so far outside the box that Rosanne Barr could have sat her fat ass between his glove and the plate. That is what fandom is made of, not just the highs of victories, but the agonies of defeat–like celebrating your wedding anniversary and then get handed divorce papers.

Some have tried to tell me that I will have the same feelings in a few years about American League teams, but I disagree. With the state of the team as is, it will be many years (in my opinion) before the team will be constantly competitive for playoff spots, and those rivalries will fester and come to a head…..and I will have true and utter disdain for the Angels, A’s, and Mariners. (No worries about the Rangers, Yanks and BeanEaters, though, they got it covered already).

Monday, April 9, 7:05 p.m. Beachy vs Happ

Yeah, this game is over, in the books, finis. Astros won. Root. Root. Root.

Tuesday, April 10, 7:05 p.m. Hanson vs Weiland

Weiland and his mates will don the 1962 Gun-Toting, Rabble-Rousin’ unis against the Braves, can someone say, Cowboys and Indians?? Hanson is 3-0 vs the Astros with a sub 1.00 ERA. Of course, he has not faced most of this pimply faced lineup. Downs (.400) and Lee (.385) are the only ones with a decent BA in a handful of ABs against him. Weiland…well, he is an Atlanta virgin, ripe for cherry pickin’ on this game. Bourn returns to his hometown for the first time this season, and may be joined by Chipper who is expected to come off the DL for this game.

Wednesday, April 11, 7:05 p.m. Delgado vs Rodriguez

Delgado has never faced the Astros. That should be enough said about this game. Wandy though has held current Braves to a .284 average, thanks to a 1-11 (.091) by McCann and a 3 for 20 (.150) by Uggla. Rodriguez did not allow an earned run in 6 1/3 innings on Opening Day vs. Rockies. He will have to repeat this feat if the Astro bats revert to their usual showing against a newbie.

Early Season M*A*S*H report:

Atlanta Braves
Updated	Player	Pos	Injury	Expected Return
04/02/12	Robert Fish	RP	Elbow	15-day DL. Out until at least mid-April
04/08/12	Tim Hudson	SP	Back	15-day DL. Expected to make Class A rehab start April 12
04/08/12	Chipper Jones	3B	Knee	15-day DL. Might return April 13 vs. Milwaukee
04/02/12	Anthony Varvaro	RP	Pectoral	15-day DL. Out until at least mid-April
03/30/12	Arodys Vizcaino	RP	Elbow	15-day DL. Out for season

Houston Astros
Updated	Player	Pos	Injury	Expected Return
04/06/12	Sergio Escalona	RP	Elbow	15-day DL. Out for the season
04/08/12	Jed Lowrie	SS	Thumb	15-day DL. Might return for April 13 at Miami

Ploys to get AIS

Monday:

Who cares? Some dumbbutt didn’t get the preview in on time.

Tuesday:

50th Anniversary of First Franchise Game
Retro Jerseys: Colt .45s
$1 Hot Dog Day
Presented By Classic Foods
Colt .45s Cap
Presented By Conn’s | 10,000 fans
Double Play Tuesdays
Presented By Powerade
Price Matters Days
Presented By H-E-B

Wednesday

Price Matters Days
Presented By H-E-B

This is just the first go-round of 50th Anniversary hoorahs for the team, so I thought I’d start out the season with a review of some of the former songs associated with the team. So sit back, turn up the volume and sing along…..or not….

For our Spanish speaking readers:

Scary

Posted on April 9, 2012 by BudGirl in Game Recaps

Braves 3, Astros 8
L: Beachy, W: Happ

This team is fun to watch right now. Granted it is only the 4th game of the season but if they continue to improve the attendance might improve.

I won’t say too much about the game, I’ll save that for the professionals. What I will comment on is my limited observations.

1 – If the boys play solid baseball – little to no errors – they improve their chances to win. That Opening Day game was ugly and hopefully an abberation.
2 – The pitching may be good if they believe the boys can continue to come back and win games.
3 – I still love JD and Brownie. I really believe they are the best tv guys in baseball.
4 – Luhnow may be an interesting GM, seems he has a plan and is willing to put it into place.
5 – There are going to be an unlimited number of references to Major League.
6 – I think this season is going to be fun to watch. Not sure how the boys will do, but think this is going to be fun.

Maybe it’s the crowd.

Posted on April 8, 2012 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

On a day with all this talk of redemption and rebirth and re this and re that, making old things new or something that wasn’t into something that is, today we saw the sweet breath of life resuscitating the moribund Home Nine into something like the Guns of Navarone. Don’t be messing with us, boy, we gots pitchin’ and timely hittin’ and little dudes flying around the bases…we got us a TEAM, boy, and don’t you forget it…

At least for today. This was a good weekend, facing off against a foe that strikes no fear in the heart after having to contend with real champeens and being shown how wide the gulf had become. Today the almost-previously-dead Juan Nicasio rose to the hill and matched Our Golden Surfer over seven. He left with a 2-1 lead courtesy of #7-hitting absolute-nobody Wilin Rosario’s two-run yackleberry in the fourth. Mighty Mouse led off the bottom of the frame with a triple and was driven in by El Caballo’s two-bagger and that score held until the bottom of the eighth. With two out, MM and Martinez stacked singles and then Caballo nerfed a roller to third but the throw to first was awry, scoring pinch-runner Bixler.

Lefty Rex Brothers, who can bring that freaking ball, who reduces lefthanders to flailing Nancy Boys, who had all the advantages, was facing Lefty Bogusevic because Mills’ options were a lot like the Easter Bunny. Bogey, with all of 19 plate appearances against lefties in his career, with a .118 batting average against them, with a snappy .118 slugging percentage against them, promptly screamed the first pitch into right for the winner.

Redemption. Rebirth. Resuscitation. Indeed.

Myers came on for the ninth and New Astro Killer Cuddyer doubled. With two out, Helton drew a pinch-hit walk, but Colvin bounced out to end the game and send the Astros over .500 for the first time since 2009.

Attendance was announced as 14,195 paid. I can imagine how I’d promote a game on Easter Sunday, but it would probably result in a crowd even smaller than the 5000 or so who actually showed up. I don’t know how they did it in other cities, but they did draw more fans.

Screw ’em – the ones who showed up saw a good one, and they saw a team that is trying to win instead of searching how to play well enough to not be embarrassed. There’s a big difference.

Go Astros!

To Err is Human; To Err an Assload is Houston.

Posted on April 7, 2012 by Andyzipp in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Four errors helped the Astros waste a decent start by Wandy Rodriguez in their last season opener as a National League team Friday night, dropping a 5-3 decision to the visiting Colorado Rockies.

As the last link to the 2005 World Series team, and the “best” pitcher on the roster, Rodriguez drew the opening day assignment for the first time in his career by default. He managed the general fuckwititry surrounding him as well as he could, delivering six and a third innings, allowing 6 hits, 2 walks and 3 runs, none earned. So, quality start? Hooray? He also was credited with one of the errors, mainly because Jose Altuve had the Lollipop Guild song stuck in his head and forgot to cover first base on a bunt. Allegedly.

Several of Rodriguez’s teammates in the infield joined the error parade, including Chris Johnson, Altuve and Jason Castro. Carlos Lee refused to participate in the shenanigans by refusing to move for most of the game. If you live in Denver, Castro’s 8th inning gaff proved to be the game winner, and you’re likely very grateful, because who the hell wants to lose to this decades’ Pirates. Otherwise, watching Castro launch a ball behind a frozen runner into center field, resulting in a two base error, looked like a 2011 highlight.

One bright spot: Contractyear Lee began his year long audition for a job in the American League next year as soon as possible by picking up an RBI in the 1st inning and knocking the snot out of a 4th inning offering from Jeremy Guthrie over the eternally unnecessary train tracks in left field. Unfortunately, he didn’t hit the engineer, who apparently came straight to the game from an audition for a stage adaptation of 1993’s Super Mario Bros.

Overall, it appeared that despite wholesale changes in the front office and player ranks during the off-season, not much has changed from last season. There’s just not enough pitching or hitting to make up for a four error game. The opener was a game that a mediocre team would have won. The Astros will have to aspire to mediocrity for 2012.

Assuming the Mayans are wrong, next year, when they open with a loss to the Royals, maybe we’ll see some tangible progress. But for now, at least baseball, or whatever it is the Astros were doing Friday night, is back.

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