I’m put together beautifully

Big wet bottle in my fist, big red rose in my teeth

I’m perfect piece of ass

Like every Californian

So tall I take over the street, with high-beams shining on my back

A wingspan unbelievable

I’m a festival, I’m a parade

The 10-3 Dodgers mosey into town after squeaking out a 4-3 win in Milwaukee and avoiding a sweep.  That record is good for 1^st in the NL and 2^nd in MLB.  They have the reigning NL Cy Young winner, the best OFer in MLB and a stable of young studs to back them up.

And all the whine is all for me.

I’m the King of Whine.  The Prince of Pout.  The Wizard of the Whimper.  The motherfucking Grandmaster of Gripe.  When you have two kids under the age of three, you’re around it a lot.  And like a two-year-old who just shit his underoos, I can find something to bitch about in almost anything.  But I don’t, or at least try not to.  Because of Ted Knight.

There’s a movie quote that has followed me around for the majority of my life.  At first, I thought it was funny – I even liked the attention it brought me.  It was an easy ice-breaker for awkward introductions, kinda like – “Hey, I like that movie too!”  But high school hit and it got old quick.  “Ha ha, very clever.  Never heard that before.”  And college made it fucking unbearable.  Seemed like every dude I met was a comedian.  I even swore off the classic film for a few years.

But I couldn’t shake it.  It was embedded in my soul.  Six ordinary words tattooed across my face, staring back at me in all the world’s mirrors.  Flipping channels at night – that scene was on.  Reading RB’s Nationals Preview this week – it’s there.

Because when your last name is Spalding, “You’ll get nothing and like it!” is inevitable.  Death, taxes and Judge Smails.  But Caddyshack taught me well – I like this Astros team, and they haven’t given me shit.

And I’m not whining.

Friday, 4/20

Lilly (1-0, 0.00) vs J.A. Happ (1-0, 3.75)

Lilly started the season on the DL and went seven scoreless in his return.  He’s 7-3 with a 2.64 era in 15 career starts vs. Houston.

Happ has been better than expected so far this year, with a 13:5 K/BB ratio and two quality starts under his belt.  Should’ve won his last game.

Saturday, 4/21

Kershaw (0-0, 2.35) vs Weiland (0-2, 8.44)

The reigning NL Cy Young winner has allowed just four earned runs in his three starts this year – three of them in his last game.

Weiland follows up his Strasburg start with another stud opponent, and will still be looking for his first MLB win after this game.

Sunday 4/22

TBD (0-0, 0.00) vs Wandy (0-2, 1.96)

On paper, TBD is every bit as good as Ted Lilly this year, but with less run support.  I still think he’s a cocksucker.

Wandy hopes 6 unearned runs will be good enough for the win this go-around.

Promotions

Friday 4/20

First 10,000 fans get to play “I Spy a Bloodshot Eye” and beat up hippies.  They also get replica Colt .45s jerseys, but the hippie bashing is the real draw.  Also, fireworks.

Saturday 4/21

First 10,000 fans get a green Astros hat to remind them that our colors are Red & Black and used to be Navy & Orange.  I don’t really understand it, but maybe GBB has an explanation.

Sunday 4/22

First 10,000 fans get a Methodist Hospital grocery bag for some reason.  Next week is H-E-B Catheters.  Also, $1 Ice Cream Cones for any leftover hippies.

Injuries

Dodgers:

Todd Coffey wasn’t held enough as a child.

Ivan De Jesus was held too much.

Rubby De La Rosa’s parents gave him a funny name.

Blake Hawksworth was raised by predatory birds.

Juan Uribe has a sore wrist from the obligatory masturbation joke.

Astros:

Sergio Escalona is Alberto Arias.

What to Watch For

Friday’s sixth-inning Hippie Race, in which three contestants chase a turtle coated in Cheetos crumbs.  I’m betting on the turtle.

Brad Mills and I got together yesterday to come up with a motivation strategy – something to lighten the mood after tough losses.  Something that will draw the team together and give them a common enemy.  He’s presenting this to the team before Friday’s game in the clubhouse, but I thought I’d give you guys a sneak preview.

For every Astros loss, a piece gets peeled away.  I’ll update the picture when the season ends.

Finally, if you were hoping for something – anything – baseball related from this Preview, you clearly skipped the part at the top that says “Posted by Ebby Calvin.”

Follow the action in the GameZone.

Man, talk about your two trains running, or ships in the night. This is two clubs more or less headed in the same direction, but one of them is farther along in the trip and is going a lot faster than the other.

I’ve got two daughters. In my house, the doorway to the kitchen has pencil marks on each side from about three feet off the ground all the way to a few inches under six feet, all with dates scrawled next to them. Maybe you have something similar, if you’ve got kids.

Sometimes I’ll take a few minutes and look at those marks, compare them, try to draw some kind of math while the emotional side of me remembers what they were like when those individual marks were made. It’s a tangible path to an intangible journey, one with an infinite number of side trips along the way that expose the dimensions of life spent together and, inevitably, less together.

The Astros draw Washington’s #1-4 pitchers for their four game funfest. This week is the beginning of the real measure of this team. It may well resemble one of those high school Driver’s Ed movies by midweek, but the point, just like in those flicks, is that you gotta keep moving.

Monday, April 16
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Kyle Weiland (0-1, 7.20) v. Stephen Strasburg (1-0, 0.69)

Weiland had a rough start against Atlanta his first time out, on 50th Anniversary Night. Good fastball, no command, iffy control and The Return of Larry Wayne did him in.

Strasburg, well, he’s The Second Coming and He’s Invincible and We Have The Technology and all that. I’m surprised they’re even playing this one, but I guess those people buying tickets want to actually see this one play out. Downs and Lee are 1 for 1 against Strasburg, and Lee has 1 RBI.

Tuesday, April 17
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Wandy Rodriguez (0-1, 2.38 ) v. Gio Gonzalez (0-0, 3.38)

Wandy hasn’t been all that great early on, but neither has his team since they’ve choked up four errors in each of his two starts. Mark DeRosa has 2 HRs, 7 RBI and hits .360 vs. him. LaRoche hits .350 and Zimmerman hits .400 as well.

Gio is the real deal, a solid #2 in the making. Lowrie is 3 for 8 with one dinger against him.

Wednesday, April 18
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Lucas Harrell (1-0, 3.27) v. Jordan Zimmermann (0-1, 1.29)

Harrell was inconsistent in his second start and got slapped around by the Marlins. If he can find some consistency he’s got the stuff but isn’t that the case with the Astros staff? Welcome to the meat grinder, boys.

Damn, the Nats have a strong staff. Lee is 3 for 6 against Zimmy.

Thursday, April 19
6:05 CT, Nationals Park

Bud Norris (0-0, 4.15) v. Edwin Jackson (1-0, 2.57)

Bud’s 1-0 with a 2.63 ERA in two career starts against Washington. Werth is 2 for 11, but Zimmerman hits .429 with 1 HR against Norris.

Jackson is a quality starter, and he’s the #4 guy for Washington. Lee is 3 for 8, Lowrie 2 for 4 against him.

Promotions

Nothing. Nothing at all. You’ll get nothing and you’ll like it.

Injuries

Astros:
Sergio Escalona is out for the season. Schreefer had some dizziness and is day to day, man.

Nats:
Wang strained his hamstring, he’ll be back later this month.

Storen’s out after surgery to remove bone chips. He’s due back around July.

Morse is out until June or July with an aggravated lat strain.

Marrero is on the 60-day list with a torn hammy and might be back in July.

Kimball had right shoulder surgery and might be back in July.

What To Watch For

Can the Astros scratch out a hit? Will any of these games be competitive? How deflating would it be to go 0-4? More importantly, what will this team learn that they can use going forward?

Talk about it in the Game Zone!