Submitted by NeilT
Houston Team 3
Texas Team 2
Miss Lola Laloush
Director of Public Relations
Houston Astros Baseball Club
Minute Maid Park
Houston, Texas 77010
July 17, 2015
Dear Miss Laloush:
Howdy! You may not remember, but we met a couple of years ago when the NRA convention was there in Houston, and you were working the trade show in the Gun Oil booth. “Oil Up Your Big Gun,” I remember that slogan, and I remember you were one fine-looking woman. My friend Michael Berry said he knew you from this place called TC’s, where you were a popular drag racer. He was going to take me by for a beer until Anita put the kubosh on that.
Anyway, you’re probably aware that my Presidential campaign is going really well, what with Donald Trump turning me into a statesman. I’m saying some stuff that’s downright sensible: “what Mr. Trump is offering is not conservatism, it is Trump-ism – a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense.” I came up with the nonsense part myself, but had a bit of help from Anita with demagoguery. And did you read my National Press Club speech on Jesse Washington? Powerful stuff. Really. Powerful stuff.
I understand that meantime you have a new job with the Houston Astros as Director of Public Relations, and that’s mighty fortuitous. I’m sure you know that now and again I’m an important Astros recapper for the OWA front page, and I’m thinking that maybe I should expand my connection with your winning team. Those Astros are doing pretty darn well, and, well, I’m doing pretty darn well, and that seems pretty darn well for both of us.
In last night’s game, when McHugh struggled in the first, giving up four singles (but no runs), your fine television announcers could say something like “McHugh’s struggles remind me of Governor Perry’s problems with his 2012 Presidential campaign, but just like Governor Perry, he endured.” Then in the second, when Altuve sailed a ball to first and Carter rolled his ankle coming down, they could say “Carter came down hard, but he’s as tough as Rick Perry’s tough on an unbalanced budget!”
I think we’ve got special opportunities for synergy on scoring plays. For instance, in the bottom of the second they could say “Evan Gattis’s fifth triple was a set up for that beautiful piece of hitting to right by L.J. Hoes. It doesn’t get better than that, just like America can’t get better than it would be under President Perry!”
And in the bottom of the third, “Marisnick and Altuve’s back-to-back doubles are a return to the Astros greatness of their early season, just like Rick Perry can help America return to greatness.” And “What was the third base coach thinking, sending Altuve on that Gonzalez single! That’s as boneheaded as Donald Trump!” “Carlos Correa’s single puts the Astros up 3-0 as Gonzalez scores. With a single by Gattis following we could be up by 4 if it hadn’t been for Pettis sending Altuve at third. America needs the experienced leadership of Rick Perry!”
I don’t know what you say about the pitching. Texas had 15 hits, and only scored 2 runs, which was some good defense, and some luck, but both McHugh and Neshek were rough. Maybe you shouldn’t compare last night’s pitching to Rick Perry? Harris did well in the 7th, and Gregerson got the save in the 9th. Maybe concentrate on that.
Meantime I’m sure you’re wondering, “how can Rick Perry help the Astros?” Well, I think I roll you into the Texas miracle: “just look at the winning ways of those Astros down in Texas, who have achieved their turn-around through the system of low taxes and a balanced budget implemented by me, Rick Perry!”
This is gonna work out great, and it will be a win-win for both our teams! Let me know when you’re ready to get started, and my people will get hold of your people. Meantime keep up the good work with those Houston Astros, who have achieved their turn-around through the system of low taxes and a balanced budget implemented by me, Rick Perry! And don’t forget you can contribute to my campaign at PresidentRick.Com.
Your friend and next President,
Rick