Contributed by NeilT
Yankees 3
Astros 2
Miss Lola Laloush
Director of Public Relations
Houston Astros Baseball Club
Minute Maid Park at Union Station
Houston, Texas 77010
Dear Miss Lola,
It’s been a while since we’ve talked, and I miss our visits at TC’s. I did see the other day that a car had crashed through the their wall, but I guess that’s a frequent problem when they hold drag races in such a small space. I never did really figure out how that worked.
You are doing an amazing job with the Astros. I didn’t know how you’d top the Brady Aiken-Tommy John coup, but the Ground Control hack was even better. Pinning the blame on the Cardinals . . . brilliant! It even took my mind off that seven-game losing streak.
You probably didn’t know that I haven’t received my press credentials yet. As an important internet recapper, it seems that now would be the perfect time to bring me into the Astros’ journalistic fold. It was the team’s failure to understand basic internet protocols that tempted Cardinal officials to look up those old passwords. Inviting me, a bona fide internet journalist, into the press box would go a long way toward repairing the ‘Stros damaged digital reputation.
That’s not really why I’m writing though. I know with the Yankees in town you have your hands full with public relations, and may not have heard that today the Supreme Court ruled that Texas couldn’t refuse to issue same sex marriage licenses. Now obviously I am not a hater, but I am deeply concerned for the future of baseball.
What if there was a same sex marriage proposal on the Kiss Cam? That might disturb the delicate minds of young players and result in costly fielding errors. Harris would have never given up that two run homer if he hadn’t been worrying about the Supreme Court’s decision today.
As our Governor has recognized, this is an issue of religious freedom, and as you’ll recall Annie Savoy worshipped at the church of baseball. All the Astros have to do is declare the team a church! If you make the Astros a church and MMPUS their tabernacle, then you can prohibit gay proposals on the Kiss Cam for religious reasons! That will solve the looming problems I’ve identified.
And I think there’s good precedent for it. Wasn’t The House of David some kind of religious cult? They played baseball. And Keuchel’s already got the beard. Plus the Summit was turned into a church.
Meanwhile if you’ll just let me know when it’s ready I can drop by any time to pick up my press pass. Leave a message, and I I’ll be there in less than 15 minutes. Will it be at will-call? Is it good at out of town stadiums? I’m going to see the Astros play the Royals in Kansas City in July, and I could save some money on tickets.
Take care, and let’s do lunch!
Yours,
/NeilT