submitted by the GreatBagwellsBeard
At some point during the Opening Day festivities, another poster asked for the origin of my screen name. I demurred at the time because this is a story silly enough to merit everyone’s laughter, rather than just the polite chuckle of a single person.
I signed up for this site in 2007, more than half a decade and two careers ago. I was the sports editor at the dearly departed Houstonist.com back then, and needed some more in depth analysis of the team that wasn’t purely sabermetric (like Crawfish Boxes) or full of redneck bullshit (like the Chron), so that I could steal paraphrase back on Houstonist. OWA looked like the perfect place.
The “select screen name” screen at any site is a pain in the ass. If it’s for something related to personal finances or e-commerce, I suspect that most people tend to gravitate toward something very basic, and very close to your real name. Firstname.Lastname and all that. But if it’s a forum or comments section or whatever, you get to be “creative”. Your name represents how you want to be perceived. Do you want the veil of anonymity or do you want to create a character, a persona to hide behind?
Since 2007, I’ve become a stronger proponent of using my real name online because 1) a future employer who googles my name will mostly get the actor from Airplane and 2) I think it’s largely a chickenshit move to hide behind a screen name, particularly if you’re going to be critical of another person. But in 2007, I was a different person who valued perceived cleverness over honesty, so I watched the cursor blink in the registration screen and tried to come up with something good.
If you’ll forgive another digression, I think we can all agree that quotable movies have a life cycle, with regard to quotability. Austin Powers quotes, circa 1997, were pretty funny. Austin Powers quotes, circa 2003, were the sole domain of morning drive time radio dipshits and cool dads. But now, almost 15 years after the fact, a well-timed Austin Powers quote can actually be funny again, since it’s tinged with a pleasant nostalgia, and the over-use has petered out. And so it goes with the big comedies since then: Anchorman, Borat and the like. I think “niiiiiiice!” will be funny again in 2020.
Though there isn’t a timer that regulates how long you have to decide on a screen name, I was starting to feel the pressure. It’s 2007. Anchorman hasn’t quite worn out its welcome, right? All those Burgundian exclamations. Astros. Hmm.
…
Great Bagwell’s Beard!
So that’s how that happened.
Probable Pitchers
Friday, May 23rd
9:10 CT, Safeco Field
Rudy Owens (0-0, 0.00) v. Felix Hernandez (5-1, 2.94)
This was going to be Brad Peacock, but thankfully it ain’t. Rudy Owens sounds like a brand of breakfast sausage, not a lefty starter. He’s been 2-3 with a 6.05 ERA at OKC, and averages almost 7 K’s per nine. Ironic that he’s called up the day the guy he was traded for got DFA’d.
The ‘stros have handed Felix his only loss on the year, so there’s that. Altuve is hitting .417/.462/1.045 lifetime against him, and Dominguez has homered off him and sports a hilarious 2.100 OPS against one of the best pitchers in baseball.
Saturday, May 24th
9:10 CT, Safeco Field
Dallas Keuchel (5-2, 2.92) v. Brandon Maurer (1-2, 6.00)
Keuchel has been a great surprise this year. At this rate, he might end up as our All Star. Only Stefan Romero, Michael Saunders and Willie Bloomquist are hitting over .300 against him, and Romero is a soccer player. The whole team is .218/.290/.599 against him. So basically they hit like Astros.
Maurer has given up homers to Presley and Villar, and Dominguez has hit him well, too. His name makes him sound like Minnesota’s catcher with a speech impediment.
Sunday, May 25th
3:10 CT, Safeco Field
Scott Feldman (2-2, 3.02) v. Hisashi Iwakuma (3-0, 1.76)
Feldman hasn’t quite been an ace, but he’s been the #3 starter he’d be on any other team. Smoak has hit him well, with a couple dingers. If only we’d drafted him instead of that All Star catcher.
Iwakuma started the season hurt, but has come on strong since returning from the DL. He’s struck out Carter a lot, but then again, who hasn’t? Marwin is crushing him, to the tune of .714/1.286/2.000. Really.
Promotions
C’mon, only OSF has a snowball’s chance of making any of these games.
What to Watch For
– Bouncing back from the sweep.
– Facing two of the best starters in the AL West.
– Scratch #1 up there.
– Fuck the scurvy knaves right in their bilge pump.
Talk about it in the Game Zone!