Pigfucker
My 4-year-old son told me yesterday about a great movie he watched with his (maternal) grandparents. He couldn’t remember the movie’s title other than it was “not Frozen,” which is about all that matters in our household these days, but he remembered the ending in detail.
Apparently the protagonist bell cow was on some sort of coming-of-age journey that resulted in his saving the farm from coyotes or something and becoming the man (cow) his father always wanted him to be. Which is great – do what your daddy tells you.
Then the boy (cow) got the girl (pig), had a baby (dog), and lived happily ever after.
Really, television? A cow fucks a pig and produces a dog? That’s happily ever after? Are you fucking kidding me?
Look, television, I ask only three things of you: 1) show me live sports, 2) sedate my wife with TLC/HGN and 3) babysit my children. I already can’t watch live sports on you, but at least I can drink in the garage while you’re doing 2) and 3).
Now I can’t even trust you to do that.
Probable Starters
Monday 9pm SafeCo
Keuchel (1-1) vs Felix (3-0)
Tuesday 9pm SafeCo
Feldman (2-1) vs Orgasmo Ramirez (2-1)
Wednesday 1:40pm SafeCo
Cosart (1-2) vs Chris Young (0-0)
Promotions
Monday – nothing
Tuesday – nothing
Wednesday – Mariners Beard Cap (first 20,000), which will serve more as a Beard Warmer for all of the dirty hippies up there.
Injuries
Astros
Crain – Biceps, due back in May
Presley – Flu (day-to-day)
White
Wjciechowski – right lat, no timetable for return
Mariners
Beavan – Cataplexy
Iwakuma – Triskaidekaphobia
Morrison – Arachibutyrophobia
Paxton – Tanorexia
Walker – Pica
Predictions
Astros get 2 hits Monday
Astros have a Beard Hat night at some point this year
I will write a better preview at some point this year
Astros lose the series 1-2