submitted by Mr. Happy
Astros are Coasters this Weekend!
Fe-fe, fi-fi, fo-fo, fum
I smell smoke in the auditorium
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He’s a clown, that Charlie Brown
He’s gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me
That’s him on his knees
I know that’s him
Yeah, from 7 come 11
Down in the boys’ gym
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He’s a clown, that Charlie Brown
He’s gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)
Who’s always writing on the wall
Who’s always goofing in the hall
Who’s always throwing spit balls
Guess who (who, me) yeah, you
Who walks in the classroom, cool and slow
Who calls the English teacher, Daddy-O
Charlie Brown, Charlie Brown
He’s a clown, that Charlie Brown
He’s gonna get caught
Just you wait and see
(Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me)
Your Astros, fresh off of a short three game homestand (courtesy of the crazy schedulers) against the Royals, invade the Left Coast and temporarily inhabit the absolute worst yard in the Show, bar none. The O(dious).Co Coliseum is a football stadium, end of story. As much as you want to put lickstick on a pig (MRaup, I’m looking at you, out there in Puerto Rico!), it’s still a pig at the end of the day.
The Coliseum, where I’ve taken in many games, is a dump. I’ve even been in the suites at the Coliseum, and I’ve seen nicer suites in minor league ball parks. The only thing that I have nice to say about the Coliseum is that it has a wealth of foul ground for the pitchers, but, of course, it’s so much that many balls simply are out of the reach of the players. Well, enough ranting about the Coliseum. You came to read a series preview, and a series preview I have for you.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this. The Astros suck at the plate right now, playing to a paltry .189 (32 points lower than the 29th team in MLB) .264 .349 (as of April 16). Hopefully, the infusion of Springer will shake things loose at the dish. Last season, the Athletics dominated the series against the Good Guys, winning 15 of the 19 games, many of which were in rout fashion. In 2014, the Astros pitchers are tossing to a 4.38 ERA in 15 games, which is a significant improvement over 2013. The A’s are very solid once again, although they have suffered a considerable number of injuries to their pitching staff.
Game One pits short yet very talented righthander and former Vanderbilt Commodore Sonny Gray (2-0 0.95) against Jarred Cosart (1-1 4.00) for the Good Guys.
Collectively, the Astros are hitting .227 with no home runs and only three RBIs against Gray with 11 K’s in 44 ABs. Our leading lights against Gray are Presley (2-6) and Altuve (2-7). Krauss (0-6 with four K’s) sucks against Gray.
The Athletics are hitting .278 in 36 trips against Cosart with no home runs or RBIs and seven Ks and three walks. As you can well imagine, Astrokilla Coco Crisp apparently sees Cosart well (2-4), and Josh Donaldson owns Cosart (4-5 with a double).
Take out the papers and the trash
Or you don’t get no spendin’ cash
If you don’t scrub that kitchen floor
You ain’t gonna rock and roll no more
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
Just finish cleanin’ up your room
Let’s see that dust fly with that broom
Get all that garbage out of sight
Or you don’t go out Friday night
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
Just put on your coat and hat
And walk yourself to the Laundromat
And when you finish doin’ that
Bring in the dog and put out the cat
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
Don’t you give me no dirty looks
Your father’s hip, he knows what cooks
Just tell your little friends outside
You ain’t got time to take a ride
Yakety yak (Don’t talk back)
Game Two features young tough luck lefty Brett Oberholtzer (0-3 3.50), who should sue his teammates for lack of run support, against portsider Scott Kazmir (2-0 1.40). The Athletics are hitting .286 (6-21) against Oberholzer with a long ball and one RBI. Unbelievably, Coco Fucking Crisp has no ABs against Cosart. LF Yoenis Cespedes is 2-3 with a tater, while four different players have a hit in three official trips. Meanwhile, C Derek Norris goes for his Oberholtzer Golden Sombrero (he’s 0-3 with three punch outs).
The Astros have had hitting success against Kazmir, who’s only 30—he certainly seems older than that, hitting .333 (8-24), but the Good Guys have not scored on Kazmir and have eight Ks. Jose Altuve (3-6) and fucking Chris the Whiff Carter (2-4) seem to see Kazmir fairly well.
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
Yeah, I’ve been searchin’
A-a searchin’
Oh, yeah, searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
Oh, yeah, searchin’
I’m searchin’
Searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
But I’m like the Northwest Mounties
You know I’ll bring her in someday
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
Well, now, if I have to swim a river
You know I will
And a if I have to climb a mountain
You know I will
And a if she’s a hiding up
On a blueberry hill
Am I gonna find her, child
You know I will
‘Cause I’ve been searchin’
Oh, yeah, searchin’
My goodness, searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
But I’m like the Northwest Mounties
You know I’ll bring her in some day
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)
Well, Sherlock Holmes
Sam Spade got nothin’, child, on me
Sergeant Friday, Charlie Chan
And Boston Blackie
No matter where she’s a hiding
She’s gonna hear me a comin’
Gonna walk right down that street
Like Bulldog Drummond
‘Cause I’ve been searchin’
Oooh, Lord, searchin’, mm child
Searchin’ every which a-way
Yeah, yeah
But I’m like the Northwest Mounties
You know I’ll bring her in some day
Game Three was TBD for the Good Guys due to the DFA of Harrell. According to Jeff Luhnow, it could have been either righthander Brad Peacock (0-1 7.45) or righthander Jerome Williams (0-1 8.00). The Athletics will counter with righthander Jesse Chavez (0-0 1.35). I was praying that it wasn’t Williams. Why, you ask? The Athletics are hitting a torrid .368 against Williams (39-106) with five home runs and 15 RBIs.
Williams ain’t exactly fooling them. Eric Sogard (5-7 with a dinger), Craig Gentry (5-10), Brandon Moss (5-10 with a home run), Jed Lowrie (3-8 with a long ball) and Josh Reddick (4-9 with a tater) scorch Williams. Unbelievably, Coco Fucking Crisp is hitting .222 (4-18) against Williams. Luckily for us, my fervent prayers were answered, and Williams won’t be starting on the bump on Sunday.
The Athletics are hitting .231 (12-52) with one home run and three RBIs against Peacock. Astrokilla Coco Fucking Crisp (4-7 with a cycle off of Peacock) and Eric Sogard (4-7) do the most damage against Peacock, while Josh Donaldson (1-7) and Jed Lowrie (0-7) bring up the rear against Peacock.
The Astros have had little success with Chavez, who’s held them scoreless at a .190 BAA (4-21) with six Ks and two free passes. No Astro has more than one hit against Chavez, and only four Astros have hits against Chavez.
In the beginning, there weren’t nothin’ but rocks.
Then somebody invented the wheel—
And things just started in to roll!
Did you ever hear a tenor sax
Swingin’ like a rusty axe?
Honkin’ like a frog
Down in a hollow log?
Well, baby, that is rock and roll.
Did you ever hear a guitar twang,
Dingy, dingy, dingy, dang?
Ever hear those strings
Doin’ crazy things?
Well, baby, that is rock and roll.
That ain’t no freight train that you hear,
Rollin’ down the railroad tracks—
That’s a country boy piano man
Playin’ in between the cracks.
You say that music’s for the birds,
And you can’t understand the words?
Well, honey, if you did,
You’d really blow your lid,
‘Cause, baby, that is rock and roll.
Injury Report
Astros
The Astros have three players on the 15 day DL, including Jessie Crain, who’s expected back in early May after rehabbing from biceps surgery, Alex White, who’s been on the DL for his entire Astros career after 2013 Tommy John surgery, is expected back in May, but I ain’t buying it, and Asher Wojciechowski, who’s still suffering through a right lat strain.
Athletics
The Athletics are the walking wounded right now. Coco Crisp is day-to-day with left hammy tightness. Scott Kazmir is day-to-day with triceps tightness. The A’s have three players on the 15 day DL: SS Jake Elmore (strained left quadriceps), who’s expected back sometime in April, righthander A.J. Griffin (right flexor muscle strain), who’s expected back possibly in April, and the Angel of Doom, former Astro reliever Fernando Rodriguez, who’s presently out on a rehab assignment while recovering from 2013 Tommy John surgery. Two A’s, reliever Eric O’Flaherty, who’s rehabbing from 2013 Tommy John surgery, and who could be back this season, and starter Jarrod Parker, who just had season ending Tommy John surgery, are on the 60 day DL.
Prediction
Athletics sweep in a group of close games. Progress is being made. It will be fun to watch Springer play. Come follow along in the Game Zone!