The talent that is quickly descending upon MMPUS is staggering. And while I use the term “talent” loosely and “staggering” literally, the point remains: Houston has never seen anything quite like this. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!
That’s right – OrangeWhoopass is invading Houston, and Mr. Happy is leading the charge. Their mission – to fuck the Yankees and shit upon its Mole. It’s Opening Day, boys and girls. Go get ‘em.
Projected Starters
Tuesday, April 1, MMPUS 6pm
CC Sabathia (0-0) vs Scott Feldman (0-0)
Wednesday, April 2, MMPUS 7pm
Hiroki Kuroda (0-0) vs Jarred Cosart (0-0)
Thursday, April 3, MMPUS 7pm
Ivan Nova (0-0) vs Brett Oberholtzer (0-0)
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the jokes, the satire, the weekly (daily) “We Suck” headlines. I’m tired of “We’ve got a plan!” and I’m motherfucking tired of motherfucking losing. I’m a right-here, right-now person, and right here, right now the headlines are accurate. The Astros suck again.
I’m ready to watch winning baseball, dammit (here’s a good place to give a hearty Fuck You to Comcast). I don’t care if these guys will be on the team in three weeks or three years – they’re here now, so they better fucking play like they belong in the Big Leagues.
And here’s their chance to prove it – sweep the Cocksuckers from Queens to open the season and fling monkey shit upon the Derek Jeter retirement circle jerk.
Promotions!
Tuesday
- Schedule Magnet for the first 40,000
- 1970s (soft) Rock
- Patent-pending Mark Raup Punch in the Mouth for a minimum of three (3) lucky Yankee fans
- Fireworks for the tens of people who stay to the end.
Wednesday
- Nothing, sponsored by Comcast Sports Houston
Thursday
- $1 Hot Dogs
There are many reasons why Luhnow’s beat-up pickup truck can squash Cashman’s Ferrari. Let’s take a look at the Yankmees lineup:
C – Brian McCann ($17M) – Reason to like. Reason to hate.
1B – Mark Teixeira ($22.5M) – Reason to hate.
2B – Brian Roberts ($2M) – Will be injured in the second inning.
SS – Derek Jeter ($13M) – Reason to hate.
3B – Kelly Johnson ($3M) – Reason to hate.
LF – Brett Gardner ($5.6M) – Boring
CF – Jacoby Ellsbury ($22M) – Reason to hate.
RF – Carlos Beltran ($15M) – Reason to hate.
DH – Alfonso Soriano ($4M) – Reason to hate.
Injuries!
Yankees
Brendan Ryan has a back, apparently. So do I, Brendan, get off your ass.
Astros
Jesse Crain (shoulder surgery) out til late April
Alex White (TJ Surgery) will haunt the Disabled List for eternity.
Asher Wojciechowski (right lat strain) is TBD, which is fucking better than Alex White can say.
Finally, I’m sorry I won’t be able to attend this year’s Spanish Flowers/Flying Saucer/MMPUS/Flying Saucer/Griff’s pub crawl. I trust chuck will drink all of my beers for me.
Go get ‘em!