Give me my money back
Give me my money back
Give me my money back
You bitch
And don’t forget my black t-shirt.
God, there’s nothing better than finally being loose of a bad relationship. All the bullshit, the harangues, the late nights that go nowhere, the guilt and the uncertainty all fade away in an instant. The catharsis is beautiful. And so, in that light, fuck off, Cardinals. See you never.
Fuck the Best Fans in Baseball. Fuck the idea that you got some special baseball knowledge infusion from sucking on Tony LaRussa’s wrinkled Genius.
Fuck Busch Stadium and Neu Busch. Budweiser is as American as falafel now.
Fuck Missour-ee and Missour-uh.
Fuck the fans who show up to Minute Maid and out-cheer the locals. At least we don’t have to worry about Mariners fans doing that.
Fuck powder blue uniforms.
I can’t think of a single reason to miss the Cardinals or their fans. I can’t think of a single reason to stop hating them, too. Well, maybe I will miss them. It’s still just like a breakup; you miss the bullshit, too. You sugar coat the bad memories and start to talk yourself into calling them up for a night of strong drinks and weak resolve.
Don’t be strangers, Cards. Be the evil that lurks. Be the team we want to see crushed when we make it back to the Series. Be the one we walk past with our new girlfriend, and give you that nod that says, “Yeah, I’m hitting THIS now.”
And Co-ard fans: please don’t pick the Astros as “your AL team”. We already hate you enough as it is.
Probable Pitchers
Monday
Bold prediction: Abad fucks up.
Tuesday, September 26th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Jaime Garcia (5-7, 4.25) v. Lucas Harrell (10-10, 3.89)
I swear this is the first time that I’ve done a preview this season that our starter’s statline looks better than theirs. Holy crap. Garcia gets smacked around by Altuve, Wallace, Downs and Maxwell, all of whom are hitting .400 or better against him. What he deserves for being a Card.
Harrell’s been a delight to watch this year. As much fun as it is to watch a flamethrower, and as frustrating as it is to watch a nibbler (coughHappcough), watching a pitcher PITCH is a joy. Molina hits .500, and Freese has a homer. The team as a whole is .313 against him.
Wednesday, September 27th
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Chris Carpenter (0-0, 3.60) v. Bud Norris (5-13, 5.05)
Carpenter languished on my Fantasy bench most of this season until I finally dropped him. I think I dropped him for the emotional satisfaction as much as anything. Gawd, did that feel good. None of the current kiddos have any extra base hits on him, and bat a paltry .114 total. Altuve has three singles in six at bats, though.
Bud would probably like to forget this season, but for better or worse, I think he’s found his nadir. It may not necessarily be all uphill from here, but at least we know the bottom. Allen Craig (which sounds like a brand of recliner) has two dingers against him, but the Co-Ards hit .251 total against him.
Injuries
Astros
Abad – fresh off the press! Right oblique strain. Pain in everyone’s ass.
Altuve – day to day with groin tightness. Sounds like 7th grade.
Dominguez – stomach virus. Being around InBev products makes me puke too.
Escalona – died on the way back to his planet.
Marwin – Ankle sprain. Trying to find the motherfucker who gave him the extra “v”.
Gonzalez – hammy strain. Mmmm. Delicious ham.
J.D. – “bone in hand”. Which is worth two in bush.
Bud – blisters. Gotta moisturize, son.
Schreefer – left shoulder. BONG JOKE.
Weiland – shoulder herpes.
Co-Ards
Twinkie – out after knee surgery.
Freese – Sprained right ankle. Ankles bend. His hat brim apparently doesn’t.
Furcal – Grade 2 sprain of UCL. So his UCL sprain has mastered adding, subtracting, and “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells.”
McClellan – Out for season. I’d want to leave St. Louis permanently, too.
Westbrook – Is 900 years old.
Prrrromotions!
Tuesday – Shout At A Card Fan’s Kids Until They Cry Into Their Sundae Helmet Day!
Wednesday – J.R. Richard bobblehead night, plus a team poster. The poster has so many cross-outs and exes, it looks like a serial killer’s hit list.
Speaking of exes, part of the reason this is late is that I took a new job on Friday, and working through the bullshit to actually exit my current one has consumed almost every waking moment since. And boy, will I be glad to be done with this bitch. She’s taken my joy and my money and my gat-damn lunch breaks, and now I’m getting a five minute commute and a 35% raise. Suck it, baby: this is my new girlfriend.
Go Astros. Fuck the Cardinals. Forever.