Joe Buck Yourself
Welcome to another stirring edition of the Astros Series Previews! This week, your favorite baseballers load up the travel bus with puppies, smiles and extra horseshit for their second-to-last road trip in the National League! So join us, won’t you, as we head to…
That’s right, St. Louis, the “Jewel of Eastern Missouri,” where with an ugly red hat even you can become one of the Best Fans in Baseball!
Ahem.
I’ll just stop right now (before Craig or Mark or anybody else bludgeons me through my computer). It’s the motherfucking Cardinals this week, and the last chance we’ll get to dry hump the legacy of the Best Fans in Baseball. So let’s get started.
Ex-closer Ryan Franklin:
“You’re either a fan or you’re not. You don’t boo your own team. I don’t care who you are or what you say. Just because you spent your money to come here and watch us play, and somebody happens to make one bad pitch and gives up a homer, you don’t start booing them. I’ve been here for five years, and four years I’ve been pretty good. You should go write stories about the fans booing. They’re supposed to be the best fans in baseball. Yeah right.”
Reds 2B Brandon Phillips:
“We have to beat these guys. … All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they’re little bitches all of ’em. I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear: I hate the Cardinals.”
Joe Buck:
“I’m a fan.”
Wikipedia:
“The Houston Astros and St. Louis Cardinals finished the 2001 season tied for first place with identical records and both teams were awarded division championships. Then for the purpose of playoff seeding, the Astros received the NL Central slot and the Cardinals received the Wild Card seeding. 2001 is considered by the MLB administrators to be the first shared divisional championship in MLB history.”
Still not feeling the hate? Ok, I made this for you:
If you’re not foaming at the mouth right now, you’re either not reading or that black market rabies vaccine finally started working. This is our last chance, our last fucking chance, to kick these shitbirds back to the tornado parks from whence they came. I’m not talking about the players here – I’m talking about their dumbfuck fans. The Jakes currently hold the second wild card spot, but every NL team that doesn’t start with an “A” and end with “stros” is still in contention (well, and the motherfucking Cubs, but let’s not ruin this preview by mentioning them without parentheses). Now’s the perfect time to take one more dump in the Mighty Mississippi, take one more piss in some blue hair’s Busch Light, take one more match to the Arch and take one more opportunity to frame a murder on Tony LaRussa. The Astros are clearly going down – let’s take these tweakers with us.
Schedule:
Tuesday, September 18, 7:15pm – Bush League Field
Abad (0-4, 5.08) vs Lohse (14-3, 2.81)
Wednesday, September 19, 7:15pm – Bud Light Lime Douchepark
Harrell (10-9, 3.86) vs Lynn (15-7, 3.95)
Thursday, September 20, 12:45pm – The One True Trailer Park
Norris (5-12, 4.93) vs Garcia (4-7, 4.24)
Promotions
Tues – Nothing. Like it.
Weds – Ice Mountain Autograph Night Don’t know who Ice Mountain is, but I assume he’s a Hawaiian rapper.
Thurs – Great Clips Charity Haircuts Next week: Charity Deodorant Night. Baby steps.
Injuries
CoArds: Puma (galactorrhea), Furcal (tyrotoxism) and McClellan (scabies) out for the season. Boggs (werewolf), Carpenter (gynecomastia) and Westbrook (crazy for Swayze) day-to-day.
Astros: Cordero (shitty), Escalona (who?), Weiland (STP) out for the season. Marwin (Natural Dereliction), Lowrie (thought he was back), FeMart (book tour), Schafer (awful) and Norris (not out) are day to day.
Finally
It’s been an honor to be a part of the Series Preview Team this year, and I hope my previews were as fun to read as they were to write.
And I’ll post the updated Bud Selig bikini picture at the end of this series. There aren’t many pieces left, and you don’t want to see us lose 2 games.
Prediction: Astros win series 3-0. Why the hell not.
Follow the action in the GZ.