Well, that escalated quickly. After all the hemming and hawing about rebuilding, reloading and retardation, the Astros team that boarded the flight to St. Louis was a very different one than the one that greeted the Brew Crew on Texas Ave Friday morning. So different in fact, that it made me forget that there’s a schedule for these damned previews. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.
My wife and I help out with the junior high programs at our church, and we took two of the boys to the game on Friday. They were really disappointed that Lance wasn’t going to be there. I have to admit that I was too; even as mediocre as he’s been this year, he’s been a constant presence in Houston baseball almost since I was their age. Even though the presences of the delightfully doughy Brett Wallace at least provided some semblance of continuity at first base, the air was definitely different at MMPUS.
I had a discussion with some other youngsters at church who were bemoaning the fact that the Astros’ record was so horrible this year, and one of them rashly floated the idea of switching allegiances to the Rangers. Our house of worship’s by-laws, signed and agreed to by yours truly, prevent adults who help out with the children’s programs from enacting corporal punishment. Heathens. I quietly reminded my wayward charge that I had lived through much darker periods in the Astros’ history, and apart from a brief flirtation with the Rockies around the time of their inception, had remained faithful. To judge a team for one bad season (or even five bad seasons) is not what real fans do, I told him.
“Whatever. They still suck. And you’re old.”
Mouthy little fucker.
Your regularly scheduled program, already in progress
Monday, August 2nd, 7:15 CT
Amero-Belgian-Brazilian Beer Conglomerate Stadium
Brett “The Hitman” Myers (8-6, 3.10) v. Jake “The Snake” Westbrook (0-0, ——)
I love how they reset players’ stats when they switch leagues. If I were a Major Leaguer, I’d forgo any no-trade clause just so that I could wipe the slate clean on a shitty season by requesting a trade. Hitting .175? Trade me to the NL! 99.97 (I got that one guy out!) ERA? Trade me to the AL! Monocle smile!
Myers is still the MVP of the team at this point. Give that man a new contract! Against the Cards, he’s not doing so well historically, with Albert, Sore Balls Holliday and all the rest hitting .307 combined against him. Pujols, Ludwick, Schumacher, LaRue and Holliday have all taken him deep twice.
What do Jake Westbrook and the national sports media have in common? Neither has ever seen the Astros play! But Carlos has homered off him back with Texas or whatever.
Tuesday, August 3rd, 7:15 CT
Bud Norris (3-7, 5.63) v. Jaime Garcia (9-4, 2.33)
“Beer” Stadium
The Co-ards may have finally beaten Bud for a change, but that was before Oswalt stopped giving Bud Copenhagen wedgies and Mississippi time share brochures instead of scouting reports. Yaddy Molina and Ryan Ludwick hit him well, but everyone else looks worse against him than a St. Louis beauty queen in Texas.
Jaime has overcome having a girl’s name to pitch pretty well this year. That Duncan guy is a miracle worker, huh? He’s never faced the Astros so blah blah fucking blah. Michaels has a hit off him, so there’s that.
Wednesday, August 4th, 7:15 CT
“Sure, I Don’t Care About Taste, I Just Respond Well To Advertising” Beer Stadium
J.A. Happ (1-0, 0.00) v. Chris Carpenter (11-3, 2.93)
I liked this Jay kid last year when I grabbed him on the waiver wire in my fantasy league. Who knows if he’s an ace or just a solid #3, but I’m glad I’ll get to see him pitch a lot for the next few years. He’s been hit well by the Cards in a couple of previous starts, but only gave up four earned runs. So he’s not Happ-less. HAW HAW HAW!
Carpenter’s headshot makes him look like a Photoshop reconstruction of a man wanted for indecent exposure in a pharmacy. Seriously. Carpenter is thanking his lucky stars that Berkman’s gone, given how well Puma used to hit him. Fortunately for him, and unfortunately for us, Pence hits .086 against him. Which basically means that Carpenter has a breaking pitch.
Wednesday: Autographs! From grown men!
Sadly, the “Get A Free Ticket Out of St. Louis!” promotion has been postponed indefinitely.
Astros:
Alberto Arias – Wade’s gotten so bored with this injury, he put Arias on waivers just so he could claim him back.
Geoff Blum – rehabbing the wrist in Corpus.
Tommy Manzella – Almost back from fractured finger.
Brian Moehler – Due back from DL any day now. What of poor Nelson Figaro or whoever?
Felipe Paulino – We learned Friday, through the in-game entertainment, that Paulino is a horrible dancer! Just thought I’d share.
Cardinals:
David Freese – Broken toe, dashing out of the dugout to bat ninth.
Tyler Greene – Right hand contusion. You’re doing in wrong. Use lotion, dumbass.
Kyle Lohose – Being Kyle Lohse. 60 Day DL.
Adam Ottovino – 15 Day DL, vowel overdose.
Brad Penny – 15 Day DL. Threw off flat ground. Big fuckin’ deal. I throw off flat ground all the time, and you don’t read about it in the paper, do you?
Nick Stavinoha – 15 Day DL, Greek Guy Chest Hair
What To Watch For:
Well, obviously, the game is already going. So watch it. Watch this new team stumble around like a toddler with a bottle full of Mommy’s gin. Enjoy it, y’all. It’s the future.