Bruce in Exile
Almost everyone, at some point in their life or career, has to deal with a superior whose confidence (or arrogance) far outweighs their actual talent. But because they’re in the position of authority and beloved by people who don’t see all the dumb-ass crap that they pull. Eventually, though, the breaking point does come.
A few jobs ago, I worked with a COO named Bruce. Pencil-neck looking bastard from Corpus Christi. He turned a delightful shade of red the time that I asked if his degree from TAMU-CC was “Texas A&M Community College”. Wasn’t really trying to fuck with him, I’m just bad with acronyms. His self-assumed role as COO was to tell the owners what they wanted to hear, and keep the sales department (me) from making more money than him. He had a helluva temper, too: once tried to get me fired because I walked into his office without asking if I could come in. Ultimately, the commission-related shenanigans were too much for me to take, and I left for greener pastures. They still owe me four figures in commissions I earned but was never paid.
Bruce’s control only grew after that, I heard from my friends who stayed behind. Only problem was, the balance sheet was headed in the opposite direction. Sales were down, and profits were dwindling. By the time that they found out that he’d been skimming some revenue for himself (never trust a company where the sole accountant is hooking up with another employee), it was too late, and the company was sold for pennies on the dollar.
Fans of the St. Louis Cardinals are lauded as knowledgeable, supportive and loyal. All admirable qualities, in a vacuum. But in the Midwestern-y beige town in which they live, these qualities have betrayed them, because their club is managed by a Bruce. The natives have started to get restless, and LaRussa has even managed to pull off a PR gaffe that got him on Olbermann’s show. And still, no one even thinks that his job is in jeopardy. He has a law degree! He does ballet! He’s a genius! He’s had the same haircut for 30 years! Just astounding. Even in the corporate world, he’d be out on his ass and looking for a job at Men’s Wearhouse by now. I guarantee it.
Friday, July 9th
7:05 CST, MMPUS
Adam Wainwright (12-5, 2.24) v. Bud Norris (2-5, 5.98)
Wainwright is having another great year because Dave Duncan keep injecting him with Uncle Dave’s Special Cough Syrup or whatever. Fortunately, the current hot had, Berkman, hits .367 with a couple of dingers against him. Bourn and Pence have also had some success off of Wainwright, but everyone else is below the Mendoza line.
At the risk of awakening the BBG’s, I’ll just say that Bud has pitched against the Cards before. That is all.
Loose lips sink ships, bitches
Saturday, July 10th
6:05 CST, MMPUS
Jeff Suppan (0-2, 4.19) v. Brett Myers (5-6, 3.57)
The sun rises. The sun sets. Birth. Life. Death. Jeff Suppan sucks. There are some things you can just count on. Carlos Lee has seen Suppan more than any other MLB hitter, and yet still hasn’t solved the “For Ages 3-5” puzzle that is Suppan. Not to worry, friends: three Astros, including Myers, have an OPS in excess of 1 against him. Puma in particular is hitting almost .500 with 3 homers.
Myers continues to be a good acquisition by Ed Wade, one of the many that’s gone un-noticed and un-appreciated by the drooling masses. The Cards are hitting .299 against him, led by The Man Whose Nickname Sounds Like A Dick Piercing, Sore Balls Holliday and Skip Schumacher.
Sunday, July 11th
1:05 CST, MMPUS
Blake Hawksworth (2-5, 4.88) v. Wandy Rodriguez (6-10, 5.00)
Hawksworth, whose name recalls grabassery in the halls of Choate and whose face reminds one of Boyd Crowder on Justified, has yet to get Uncle Dave’s Okay Let’s Just Call It Inappropriate Touch of Greatness. The Astros as a team have just 10 AB’s against him, without a hit. So now that we’ve got that bullshit “curse of the rookie” stuff out of the way, let’s pound him like one of Alkie’s whores.
Wandy has been good of late, which means he’s either bouncing back, or due to revert to poor form. Who the hell knows? Anyway, he pretty well owns Pooholes, with Schumacher and Holliday the only hitters batting over .300 against him. Mow ‘em down, Eny.
Astros
Alberto Arias – eaten by wolves
Geoff Blum – Episode of “What Not To Wear” gone horribly, horribly wrong. 15 Day DL
Jeff Fulchino – 15 Day DL, acute mediocrity regression
Tommy Manzella – Nursing a sore finger, trying to get Carlos to believe it isn’t a Vienna Sausage. 15 Day DL.
Brian Moehler – The Dreaded TBD. Stretched a groin, which is too unpleasant to joke about.
Felipe Paulino – 15 Day DL, rehabbing by flying to Miami and junk punching LeBron James.
Co-Ards
David Freese – 15 Day DL, Concussion after offering to show an undercover cop why they call him “Tastee Freese”
Kyle Lohse – 60 Day DL, Being Kyle Lohse
Ryan Ludwick – 15 Day DL, Lemur Molestation (which would be a good name for a punk band)
Adam Ottavino – Left shoulder strain, argued with Limey about whores degenerated…with sexy results.
Brad Penny – no change. Ba-Dump-CHING!
Friday: Retro blue cap with a big freakin’ Methodist logo on the side. Pass. But hey, Fireworks!
Saturday: Mike Scott bobblehead. For 100 lucky fans, Scott will scuff their balls.
Sunday: Webkinz Doll. It’s a fucking dog. (Not literally) How in Ty Beanie Babies’ name this connects with the Astros, I’ll never know. But your 6 year old daughter (or shut-in aunt) should be thrilled.
What To Watch For
Cliff Lee To Get Traded
Berkman’s Hot Streak
That Thing About Bud That We Agreed Not To Discuss