Astros at Yankees: Be Copy Now to Men of Grosser Blood!

In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;

The Astros just finished a wraparound series in Colorado, which was surprisingly successful considering how many bollocks the Astros have dropped in that stadium over the years.  They also continued their nice series-winning streak with a 3-1 split.  Wandy was surprisingly effective in the series opener, considering he was on the road and in pitcher’s hell, but the 3 runs he gave up in 7 innings were more than the Rockies needed, Byrdak’s cameo notwithstanding.  The offense managed to scratch out one run when they strung together three singles with 2 out in the 9th, but 5-1 was how it ended.  In Game #2, Moehler seemed destined for an early bath, but managed to post a quality start even after giving up 3 runs before recording an out.  He gave the offense time to come around, which it did, thanks in no small part to the much maligned (by me) Lee, and a win was duly eked out.

Who would’ve bet that it would take until the 10th inning of the third game before we saw a home run?  Who would’ve bet that it would’ve been a game-winning granny off the resurrected bat of Carlos Lee?  Well, that’s what it was!  After (yet) another very effective outing by Paulino (8IP, 2R), the teams remained knotted at 2 before the previous night’s loser (who’s name I shall not mention here out of respect for my elders) ran into trouble once more, loading the bases before he hung the first pitch to Kabong.  That got the Astros out of the basement in a hurry!  Oswalt took the ball for the finale, much to his chagrin, I’m sure, as he misses his new home debut this weekend.  He was wobbly and left a little early, which may be the epitaph for his season as an Astro.  The offense did just enough and the bullpen clung on for the 5-4 win.

Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;

So here go the Astros, into the lair in which evil lays…on a bed of c-notes…for a three-game set. Now, some of you may be old enough to remember the last time the Astros went to the Bronx. It was 2003, and a pre-tractor Oswalt was on the mound for the middle game of a series that the Astros, ultimately, would drop 2 games to 1. The two losses were of little consequence, albeit reasonably close affairs (5-3 and 6-5), but the one win was…historic.

Roy cruised through the first inning but pulled his groin (NTTAWWT) throwing the 2nd pitch of the 2nd inning and was unable to continue. In full-on damage limitation mode, then Astros’ coach Jimy Williams made a manager’s decision to send Pete Munro, Kirk Saarloos, Brad Lidge, Octavio Dotel and Billy Wagner to the mound in relief. Incredibly, at the end of the game, when Jimy looked up at the scoreboard, he realized to his great surprise that the Yankees had no hits.

Let pry through the portage of the head
Like the brass cannon; let the brow o’erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O’erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill’d with the wild and wasteful ocean.

The rest of us knew what was happening, even if Jimy didn’t. Asked about that at Astroline in Florida this Spring, Puma dropped the one-liner “Probably why he isn’t managing anymore”, causing me to spit out some of my hard to come by Heineken. Lord knows what machinations would’ve occurred had One-M been aware of what was happening, so let’s all be thankful for this mercy of mercies.

Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height.

Not only was it a no-hitter, the six-man panel was totally dominant, striking out 13 and walking only 3. Dotel actually struck out 4 hitters in his one inning (tying a major league record), after Soriano flailed at a two-strike wild pitch but made it to 1B anyway. Blum and Berkman got a blue star each and even Wagner, surprisingly given the enormity of the moment, had a clean inning. He struck out Posada and Trammell before getting (Hideki) Matsui to nub one to 1st to put this one in the (history) books.

On, on, you noblest English.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Alexanders,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And sheathed their swords for lack of argument:

In hindsight though, this doesn’t seem so improbable because; in relief, the Astros ran out three of the most dominant short-outing pitchers of recent times…plus Brad Lidge and Billy Wagner.

How enormous was the event? Well, it was in 2003, and the previous time the Yankees had been no-hit was in 1958. In between, they had played 6,980 games – the longest such streak in major league history – and had won 15 pennants and 9 world serieses. The last time they’d been no-hit in Yankee Stadium was in 1952 by Detroit’s Virgil Trucks (who I believe is a person, not a precursor to GM).

Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call’d fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to war.

Yes, that was back in 2003. June 11, 2003 to be precise. Seven years ago to the day of the opener of this series.  With the Stanley Cup decided, the NBA Final not due to recommence until Sunday (the same day Strasburgh is due pitch again) and Team U.S. Less not starting their World Cup campaign until Saturday, maybe the east coast media will mention it.  Nah!  Who am I kidding?

Yankee Stadium

Friday: June 11, 6:05 CDT, FSH
Saturday: June 12, 12:05 CDT, FSH
Sunday: June 13, 12:05 CDT, FSH

Following the 2003 humiliation at the hands of our beloved Astros, the Yankees decided to blow up the old Yankee Stadium. At great expense, plus the cost of a sheet of tracing paper, they designed and built a whole new one in which the field has the exact same little league dimensions as the last one (as does their ridiculous Mini Me spring training park in Tampa Bay). 318 feet to left field and 314 feet to right – both with a knee-high fence. There are two reasons why Yankee pinstripes have been worn by some of the game’s most storied hitters of modern vintage: limitless finances and pop-fly homers at either corner.

Better yet, I am reliably informed that the vented concourse – that allows patrons to look down on both the empty “Legend” seats inside the stadium and the destitute Wall Street bankers (who were supposed to occupy those seats) outside the stadium – creates a jet stream to both right field and left field, further enhancing the power hitting prowess of the Bronx Mortar Squad Bombers.

Probable Pitching Match-Ups

And you, good yeoman,
Whose limbs were made in England, show us here
The mettle of your pasture; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.

Friday: Myers (4-3, 3.01) vs. Pettitte (7-1, 2.47)

Brett has been both the rock and the hard place of the Astros rotation this year.  Never once failing to go at least 6 innings, he has shown a mental fortitude that has been lacking from other starters, most notably Oswalt.  His June ERA is under 2 and his road ERA is a quince over 3 for the year.  He may be a despicable wife beater…um…allegedly, but he’s our despicable wife beater.  As far as the Yankees are concerned, Teixeira knows to keep his mouth shut, but Jeter and A-Rod just won’t stay in the kitchen.

Well lookie here!  After lying about why he joined the Astros, and then lying about why he left the Astros, and lying about taking steroids before, during and after, Mr. And has been having a good year.  He’s only been roughed up once, by Tampa Bay, and has pitched a lot of innings.  He’s still an ugly, ignorant piece of shit though.  His notable history against Astros hitters, that doesn’t involve throwing them under a bus with the rest of the team, is limited almost entirely to Lee, who is 9-36 with a shibby.  Fuck Andy Pettitte and the horse he sees in the mirror.  Maybe Myers will go spousal on him.

Allegedly.

Saturday: Rodríguez (3-8, 4.95) vs. Vázquez (5-5, 5.53)

The previously mentioned tough loss that Wandy took earlier this week is just one of many losses, not all of which were so undeserving.  There isn’t really any kind of pattern emerging as yet this season – he has been scattering good outings and bad between home and road starts.  He is left-handed (or at least pretends to be), so one good start in 10 will guarantee him a job somewhere until that left hand falls off.  He keeps Teixeira even more quiet than Myers (1-10) but hasn’t faced too many Yankees otherwise.  Gay-Rod is 1-2 with a dinger (that’s a 2.000 SLG%).

Vázquez accumulated most of his losses early, and has righted his ship lately: 4-1 in his last 5, having gone 1-4 in his first 5.  He’s barely above .500 for his career though, so this may be a motif for him (I can’t be bothered to check) and he’s been around a while.  He’s seen Berkman and Feliz quite a bit, and liked it.  But not had so much fun with J-Mike.

Sunday: Moehler (0-2, 6.12) vs. Hughes (8-1, 2.71)

Brian’s losses both came in relief.  Since being press-ganged into the rotation, he has pitched two NDs which the team went on to win, going 11.1 innings and giving up a respectable 5 runs.  The Yankees who’ve seen him have pretty much worn him out.  But then, who hasn’t?  The trick for Moehler is for him to pick his way through the inevitable traffic.

Phil Hughes clearly has pitched well this season.  He’s also had a shit-ton of run support.  His loss marked only 1 of 3 times that the Yanks failed to score at least 8 runs for him.  Listed at 6′ 5″ and 240lbs, he’s a dominating figure on the mound.  It’s just a shame about having the face of a r’tard and Vincent Price’s eyebrows.  That doesn’t seem to stop people wondering if he has a girlfriend though, which is pointless because he spends his spare time playing tummy sticks with fellow gigantor Andy Pettitte.

Giveaways and Promotions

Friday – the first 18,000 fans 21 and older get a Mariano Rivera Figurine and can drink beer, while everyone under 21 can go fuck themselves.

Saturday – Military Appreciation Day, which involves telling anyone who clicks on the promotion link to find out what it’s all about, that this afternoon game starts at 7:05pm. Maybe it’s French Military Appreciation Day.

Sunday – the Yankees throw a bone to the under 14s, as the first 18,000 of them get a bit of 2009 World Series replica bling. It must suck to be a Yankee fan between 14 and 21 and not in the military. Get a haircut and grab a rifle, slackers!

Injury Report

Astros – Arias’ season is still ended by surgery; Norris is scheduled to pitch a simulated game, giving up a ton of simulated home runs, no doubt; Sampson is scheduled to get a cortisone shot 10 days ago – I’m only passing on what I’ve been told; Oswalt has a seriously inflamed mangina that he has been hiding from the team with camelflage.

Yankees – Aceves (P) has lower back discomfort, but so does my Dad and you don’t hear him bitching (unless you phone him);  Gardener (CF) has a green sore thumb, but may return for this series; Johnson (1B) had one off the wrist surgery and won’t be back pulling for the team until August; and Robertson (P) is day-to-day with an ailment they haven’t yet diagnosed, but have been told by an expert that it’s not lupus.

What’s on Limey’s Mind

Futbol

I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game’s afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry “God for Rooney, England, and Saint George!”