Time To Get Offensive | OrangeWhoopass

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After a valiant effort that captured the imagination of sports fans across the city, the Houston Rockets fell to the Los Angeles Lakers in a hard-fought 7-game series this past Sunday. Which, in Houston, meant that both the fans and the media remembered somewhere around Monday morning that Houston also has a baseball team. Unfortunately, that team is the Astros. The ones currently in 5th place in a 6-team division. The ones who are about to open a series with the red-hot Milwaukee Brewers. The same Brewers who just swept the Co-Ardinals to take sole possession of 1st place in that same 6-team division. Uh-oh.

This might not want to be the series that the Stros have their 2009 coming out party tied to.The Astros haven’t been exceptionally good anywhere, but they’ve been noticeably worse at home so far this season. Take out the 3-game sweep against the Padres to close the last home stand, and Houston is 5 and 10 at home this season with some less than inspiring performances. The common theme in the first 15 home games was the disappearance of anything resembling an offense from your hometown nine. At MMPUS so far this season, the Astros have been held to less than 4 runs 9 times, including being shut out once. This is probably the point where someone would expect to see a joke about home cooking and Sheriff Blaylock, but I wouldn’t want to sully the name of that legendary hero of Old West cuisine. Even if he’s imaginary, he’s right up there with the wolf who makes Wolf Brand Chili. Just put some words together and liberally sprinkle the word runs throughout. You’ll get the gist.

But as the weather has started to heat up, so have the Astros bats. On the season, the Astros have just 3 regulars hitting over .300. Over the last seven games, every starting player not named Matsui (.176) is hitting north of .318. This includes Lance Berkman, who has likely reached into his reserve of “special” Twinkies. Since last Saturday’s tilt with the Fathers, Berkman is hitting a Bagwellian .474, including a .583 on-base percentage and a .684 slugging percentage. Not coincidentally, the Astros are 5-2 (and should have been 6-1) over that same span. (Not to Justice here, but on a side note, how many of the local media had prolonged discussions over the last 6 weeks about whether or not Berkman was done? I know they’re just holding on until the Texans’ training camp starts, but great googily-moogily.) Other positive signs include the Carlos Lee’s continued uncanny ability to drive in runs, the sudden emergence of Pudge Rodriguez at the bottom of the order, and the surprising improvement of Hunter Pence and Michael Bourn.

If you get the feeling that the Astros have to hit on all cylinders to win, you’re dead on. Partly because that’s how the team was built, partly because the bullpen is literally (not literally) ravaged, and partly because Cecil Cooper seems to be more interested in being the baseball equivalent of Maxwell Smart than winning games. I could go on (and I have) about not pinch hitting for Sampson, and then not having Michaels’ bunt, but it’s been done and, that’s a horse for another day.

The Astros have a 6-game home stand opening Tuesday night against two first-place teams. The Brewers and the Rangers (it’s still pre-June in the Metroplex) are both playing very good baseball, and the offense is going to have to play a big role if there’s any hope of rolling into Memorial Day at .500. There are no “must-win” games in May, but a winning record in these games could go a long way toward capturing the imagination of a city with nothing to do once OTAs are over.

Ode to Footer…

Melancholy is the only way I can describe the reaction to the recent promotion of beat writer extraordinaire, Alyson Footer. It’s great when good things happen to deserving people. If there is anyone in the local media who deserves to have good things happen to them, it’s Ms. Footer. At the same time, her promotion is going to leave a gaping hole in reliable, objective coverage of the Astros. Footer’s columns and eagerly anticipated mail-bags were some of my favorite things to read on the web, and not just because of the subject matter, but because she has brought a passionate, humorous and professional approach to her work in the years she’s covered the Astros. So in honor of her moving on, in true Off-Day Fashion, I stole a song and changed some words…

Alyson (with apologies to Declan Patrick MacManus, international jewel theif)

It’s not funny that we won’t be reading you after so long, girl.
And with the way they look I understand
that you are not impressed.
But I heard you let the owner of the nine
leave all your readers distressed.
I’m not going to get too sentimental
like those other sticker valentines,
I don’t know on whose computer you’re crackin’ wise.
I only know it isn’t mine.

Alyson, I know this team is killing you.
Oh, Alyson, your words are true.

Well I see you work for the Astros now.
Did they leave your pretty fingers typing
spinning positive things to say?
You used to watch Cecil every night.
Bet you took all you could take.
Sometimes I wish that I could stop you from leaving
when I read the silly things that Jesus says.
I think somebody better put out a want ad,
’cause I can’t stand to read coverage this way.

Alyson, I know this team is killing you.
Oh, Alyson, your words are true.

We’ll miss you Alyson.

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