One of the problems with writing a column for this site is that by the time any coherent thoughts get put together, it’s been coveredad nauseum in the Talk Zone. Between hoping for another appearance of Jeffster and watching playoff basketball, I’ve started and stopped columns about Lance Berkman’s “career-ending” slump, the apparently chronic disconnect between Cecil Cooper’s mouth and his experience, the surprisingly good starting pitching, the shaky start by the bullpen, Hunter Pence’s lack-o-smarts, and a bunch of other issues that the Zone Dwellers have already turned into a particularly tender breathing-challenged equine. It may be why NO ONE ELSE is currently writing a column*, but I digress.
What I keep coming back to is 6-12. The Astros started with 6 wins and 12 losses. Again. Meet the new boss. Considering, the other craziness that Cooper spouts, it’s possible that this is the fast start that he was clamoring for at the end of spring training. Last year, the team proceeded to win their next 6 games from that point to get to 12-12. So far this year, Houston is 3-1 after the start, so .500 is still in their sights. Yippie. The problem with 9-13, beyond being a horrible record, and being 6.5 games out after one month of play, is that the losses were almost exclusively within the Central Division. Throw out the series win against the Dodgers, and the Astros are 7-12, exclusively against their division opponents. They end April where they’ve spent all but nine days so far this season…in last place in the Central Division.
It’s a toss up as to whether the home series against Cincinnati or the home series against Milwaukee is the most disappointing so far. Both are teams the Astros have to beat up on, especially at home. The Astros went 2-5 against those two during a 10-game homestand, combining ineffective offense with a truckload of shoddy bullpen work, and for good measure, some strange managerial decisions. Reverse those results, and the Astros are at 12-10 and in second place in the division.
April 30th isn’t really a time to panic, but when you look at the schedule, at least at the beginning of the season, April was supposed to be one of the “easier” months. May is going to find the Astros on the road 17 times, versus only 11 at home. The good side of the May sched is the teams that Houston is set to play are a combined 88-102 (.463) so far this season. The bad news is the Astros are playing at a .429 clip. If there’s a time to become part of the discussion, now would be it. A series win against the Chop-tarts and taking two from the Nationls would be an excellent place to start.
Slumpy McSlumperstein
To start winning on a regular basis, your local nine are going to need Lance Berkman to get out of his slump, quicker than you can say “Twinkie”. Always eager to help, I’ve been scratching my head to come up with a workable solution for the Big Puma. I purchased some Head & Shoulders, and then decided just to check the interwebs. After searching several self help sites, like Innercompass.com, RandomDreamer.com, and prettypinkponyofmotivationforgirls.com, here is a random sampling of the suggestions for Fat Elvis to right his personal ship.
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Have some coffee. Or Venom Energy Drink. Venom Energy Drink is the Official Energy Drink of Lance Berkman. Seriously.
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Make a list. Groceries, or Christmas? No sight was particuraly specific or even explained why this would help, but all of them said to make a list. Tailored to Berkman, I would suggest, Lance makes a list of his favorite people to see barreling towards first base, and maybe a favorite ice breaker for each.
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Take action! Action must be taken, regardless, apparently, of what that action is. Is ignoring Cecil Cooper an action? Go with that.
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Exercise. Probably. Maybe. Or cut down on the Pop-Tarts. Same/same.
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Shower and groom yourself. Seriously. If you’re hitting .162, you better not be all foul and covered in body hair. Manscaping = hitting!
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Squash negative thoughts; replace them with positive ones. Push out the jive, bring in the love.
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Ask yourself: what’s bugging me most in my home? Not sure what your house has to do with a hitting slump, but by all means, if it’s anything, burn that sucker down. And get your family out. Not necessarily in that order.
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Get out of the house and do something. This makes sense. Especially if you’re planning on burning your house down. Remember, you can always buy another house. You only have one baseball career.
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Play some lively music. Perhaps a spicy polka, or something from Raffi. Do you like Lady GaGa?
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Talk about it. With everyone you meet? Check. Whether they’re interested or not? Check. Whether they speak English or not? Check.
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Stop doing something! This seem counter intuitive after you’re taking action and committing arson, but go with it.
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Take a nap. Check. And do the stop doing something before you nap. Especially the fire thing. Totally serious about this one.
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Start small, really small. Cooper’s already on board with this. It’s why you only got one at-bat in the final game in Cincinnati. Next game, maybe two at-bats. Big stuff.
Before We Leave
On the surface, I have no desire to see the second Transformers movie, to be released later this summer.
On the other hand…
*Any of you who would like to write a column, please contact me at [email protected]. Please.