Taxday, April 15, 2009
Astros 4
Pirates 1
W: Hampton (1-1) | L: R. Ohlendorf (0-2)
HR: One, but it was by the other team, so fuck it.
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No, not that hammy. The useful kind.
Mike Hampton recorded his first win in an Astros uni since the end of his incredible ’99 season, holding down the Bucs for six scoreless innings last night. Making full use of his still-functioning hamstrings (heaves salt shaker over shoulder [after checking to make sure Hampton isn’t in the line of fire]), he struck out eight while only allowing four hits and a walk. Please hammies, hang in there this season…
The offense got a little frisky in the early part of the game, hanging four on Ohlendorf in his five innings. Flapjack drove in three of them with a sac fly and a two-run double, with Thunderpants driving in the other run with another sac fly in the first. With Twinkie’s bat thawing a bit, we may well be on the verge of seeing the offense wake up to expected levels. Writers at the end of the year will no doubt look back on Monday April 13 as the bottoming of the Astros’ historic season, five games under .500 after getting their asses handed to them with a bow on it courtesy of the lowly Pirates. From there, it was all winning streaks, rubgirls and champagne celebrations, they’ll say. You heard it here first, folks.*
Notable in this was the return from 8-hole exile of Michael Bourn, leading off for the first time this season – a return to lineup sanity forced by Kazuo sitting out due to Chronically Fucked Back Syndrome. I’m not going to claim that Bourn in the leadoff role is the salvation of the ‘Stros offense, as that would be a bit like saying that Ringo Starr was the lynchpin of the Beatles. But you did bring him in to play drums, whether he excels at it or not. So either stick him behind the kit or get a better drummer, but don’t tell me that you’re going to outfit George Harrison with the one-man-band-kick-drum-on-the-back setup while Ringo learns to keep a beat by playing jazz flute off in the corner. It’s fucking stupid, and it makes for a confusing extended metaphor. [/endrant]
Limited OBP, but infectious enthusiasm and classically handsome features
* Not a guarantee of future performance. SnS and JackAstro not responsible for financial contracts placed with local independent bookmakers based on information provided herein. Please contact SnS for a full prospectus before investing.