This week in Astros’ baseball has been so horrific, so remarkably putrid, it’s almost beyond words. I haven’t checked the Chronicle or Astros.com today, but I fully expect to see some perspective pieces soon…the kind that make you realize that baseball is just a game and in the grand scheme of things doesn’t mean all that much. Like the one about the transgendered left-handed midget albino eskimo kid fighting against the odds to get grass to grow on the Tundra just to honor the memory of his parents who were killed when a truck full of rancid blubber caught fire while they were trying to get him to a try-out for the Mat-Su Miners. When you read about all of the issues kids like that have, how can you be upset that Wesley Wright grooved a couple of meatballs to the Yankees sunday? This is what we call a distraction.
For instance, you might not notice that the paragraph you just read doesn’t make a whole heck of a lot of sense after seeing this:
Just in case we’re not clear…you should notice this:
and pay no attention to this:
And that’s how a distraction works. Got that? Good.
The big ol’ pile of shit in this case would be the the play of your local nine since the 6th inning 4 weeks ago. At the beginning of that inning, the Astros led the Phillies 6-4; at the end, they trailed the Phils 9-6 in route to a 15-6 shellacing. Since that day, the Astros have gone 4-15. It hasn’t mattered if they’ve been on the road (2-7) or at the corner of Crawford and Texas (2-8). Some days the hitters can’t hit. Other days, the pitchers can’t pitch. Sometimes, like yesterday, both offense and defense have decided to not even bother putting on a hustle face, the result of which was a 13-0 undressing at the hands of the Yankees.
If you happen to like soap operas, the local nine are doing their best to capitulate, offering any number of plot lines: The rookie manager throws his team under the bus. The ace pitcher questions the line-up when he takes the field. The clean-up hitter misses a game with a minor injury. The clueless team executive ignores huge losing trend, and instead focuses only on the whirring of the turnstiles. The doddering owner smiles and shakes hands while listening for booes directed at anyone on his stafff, as another firing must be looming.
There are a couple of problems here. Focusing on most the things that I just listed above is just plain falling for the distraction. Focusing on the activities around one game is Chronicle-style crap. The Astros aren’t losing because Cecil Cooper didn’t play Lance Berkman, Ty Wigginton and Kaz Matsui. (It’s common enough to rest starters on a Sunday, regardless of the opponent.) They aren’t losing because Wright and Roy Oswalt didn’t pitch well. And for you long-time Astros fans, they aren’t losing because Brad Ausmus was the starting catcher (just thought I’d nip that one in the bud.) The Astros are losing because they are fundamentally flawed in the way the team is constructed.
On paper, and even in practice through a good stretch this season, it looked like Ed Wade had put together an offense that was as good as any that Houston has seen. Most observers knew that it was at the expense of pitching, and not necessarily by choice. Unfortunately, those who said it looked like Houston was going to end put together a Gulf Coast version of the Rangers are looking more and more correct by the day. I am a firm believer that you win consistently in baseball with pitching and defense. The Astros, at least by my way of thinking, aren’t built to win because they don’t have enough (by a long shot) quality pitching. Outside of a couple of guys who have no-trade clauses, the Astros don’t have any chips to cash in to acquire any pitching at the trade deadline.
Combine that with the business side of the front office thinking that life is great because the Yankees and Red Sox are both playing sold-out series in MMPUS this year, and those are the actual problems with this team. Knowing that at least half of this is never going to be dealt with, here’s hoping that Wade and Tal Smith have some plan to deal with the pile of poo that this season is turning in to.
Astros Love Burgers (Part 1)
Speaking of Distractions
So six games into Interleague shit play, the Astros are 1 and 5. Astros fever…deal with it. The anal raping that the Yankees put on Houston this weekend marks a departure of sorts. Since 1997, the Astros have been swept in 7 series during interleague play. This past weekend marks the first time that it’s happened at home.
The good news, including the lost weekend, the Astros have gone 48-38 at home against American League teams. The bad news is on the road, where Houston is 40-47 since 1997. The Astros are not built for play in the American League. They don’t carry a DH along with the usual complement of position players.
When you combine the recent shit burger that the Astros are running out on the field and a 6-game roady to Baltimore and Tampa Bay, it’s looking like a bad week for the good guys.
Speaking of Baltimore, can you really be considered Charm City when the most charming thing you’ve got going for you is Omar?
Astros Love Burgers (Part 2)
That’s Not a Slump-Buster…THIS is a Slump-Buster
In the Talk Zone last week, the esteemed poster JackAstro hi-jacked a perfectly harmless thread about Milo Hamilton’s over-inflated ego into a shame-shag contest. Of course, because everyone in creation either didn’t want to play by the rules or didn’t understand the words that JackAstro constructed into a sentence, several tried to turn it into a slump-busting thread.
And frankly the results were weak. If you’re going to hi-jack a hi-jack, you’ve got to bring it strong. I thought to myself, “Self, you could come up with 10 far more hideous women without really hurting yourself.”
To be clear, this is about the Astros breaking a slump, and not about any sense of pleasure or even self-preservation. Could you run the gamut? Do you love the Astros enough to go through this?
Carnie Wilson
Pros…Used to be thinner, Still has Beach Boy and Wilson Phillips money
Cons…Can balloon up without provocation.
Sheila Jackson Lee
Pros…Will allow you to video tape her. In fact, she’ll insist on it.
Cons…Will attempt to keep her face in frame at all times, Will leave in the middle for a higher rated broadcast.
Kathy Bates
Pros…Academy Award winning actress, you can assume you’ll never know how bad you were.
Cons…They reach below her knees at this point. Will want to be on top.
Bea Arthur
Pros…As the former star of Maude! and Golden Girls, she’ll keep you laughing through the tears
Cons…Man Hands are the least of your problems.
Kelly Osbourne
Pros…Ozzy will regale you with tales from life on the road, will share prescription narcotics
Cons…Has 2 CD’s, will expect you to listen to them
Penny Marshall
Pros…Still remembers saucy moves from her Laverne DaFazzio days.
Cons…Expects more than the standard shocker, judging by the above picture.
Phyllis Diller
Pros…Pretty sure she’s dead. Teeth are removable.
Cons…She might not be dead. Hair is removable.
Clay Aiken
Pros… Soft hands, warm touch.
Cons…While she’s a candidate, she has yet to have her outie turned into an innie. Will need lube.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Pros…Liberal chicks are hot. Eyesight is poor, which may save you uncomfortable moments at the Pic N Save months down the road.
Cons…Will need lube.
Anne Ramsey
Pros…If you’ve made it this far, death eill ease your pain soon.
Cons…She’s into Vandersexx.
So that’s it…if you have any to add or replace, take it to the Talk Zone.
Until next time…