August 9, 2007
Astros 8, Scrubs 2
W: Oswalt (12-6) | L: Zambrano (14-8)
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The Good Guys broke out the brooms last night, and beat Carlos Zambrano senseless with them, multiplying their output against him this season exponentially. The highlights were many, but my time here is unfortunately short today, so I must give the less-satisfying Cliff Notes version.
Chapter One, in which our protagonists dick-slap Zambrano like a middleweight working a speed bag
Pigpen got in the opening shot in the third, lacing a liner into the boxes, as is his custom. A Twinkie walk and a Flapjack single (Mmmmm… walking Twinkies and a single Flapjack…) made it first and third, which the Ninja cleaned up with a triple to deep right center, putting it at 3-0.
Zambrano got rung up to open the next frame, but was cool and reserved in returning to the dugout. Except replace “cool and reserved” with “unhinged fucktard” and “returning to the dugout” with “breaking his bat over his knee in blind rage, directly in front of the umpire.” Really, Carlos, go right ahead. I’m sure there’s no way you could possibly injure yourself doing something like that. It’s not like you’ve ever been on the DL for “internet wrist” or anything, I’m sure your body can take it. Oh, wait.
The mayhem continued in the 5th, when Fat Elvis squared up on the first pitch of the inning and absolutely demolished it to right center, injuring two cameramen and one of Sheriff Blaylock’s deputy chili vendors on its way around the corner to Ruggles. That was one of those “lose the will to pitch” type bombs that would get into the head of a less-composed man than Carlos Zambrano. Fortunately, he’s totally unflappable. So think nothing of the two walks towards the beginning of the 6th that were plated on a Lamb double to left, ending the big fella’s night. As he graciously handed the ball over and walked contemplatively back to the showers, you could almost make out Zambrano saying, “Sometimes, you just have to your cap – nicely done, gentlemen. Well played.”
Eyre then loaded the bases up before walking Lamb home, closing the book on Zambrano at 5.2 innings, 7 earned. Oh, that felt good to type. Hold on. Again, in isolation and bolder…
Carlos Zambrano: 5.2 innings pitched, 7 runs, all earned
Yes, much better.
Epilogue
Oswalt was not stellar, but did work through his jams well, tossing just 6 but giving up no runs. The bullpen was adequate for the rest of the way giving up 2, and Brad threw in a solo pat for good measure to round out the scoring. All was well in the Astros’ kingdom, and the playoff run – such as it was – continued happily ever after. The end.