It is standard in my personal baseball watching experience to not really care about anything that happens with the Astros before Memorial Day. A time honored tradition, this dates back to the earliest days of organized baseball when grown men named “Babe”, “Rube”, “Dummy” and “Sparkletits” roamed the base paths and would routinely take at least the first several weeks to sweat out the drunk they had been working on since the long hard New England Winter set in.
(You want to talk about hanging on? Sparkletits Saperstein played second base for the Duluth Eskimos 29 hits away from 30, despite the fact he couldn’t hit breaking balls, lost both eyes in the Spanish/American War, and kept tipping over because he had been stricken by a rare strain of Gigantism that was limited to his forehead. He was also 1/16th squirrel (from Louisiana). He kept plugging away at nos. 2-30 for several years, disproving the idea that a blind squirrel could, in fact, find TWO nuts.)
Anyway, despite several adages to the contrary, neither slow nor fast starts really mean much in the grand scheme of a baseball season. The Memorial Day holiday typically represents around a quarter of the season. At a quarter of the season in, a baseball team should know what they think they have. Contenders or Fodder, competitive or dysfunctional, guys with hustle face to spare or lollygaggers. But at this point, the front office should have an idea of what they’re going to shoot for the rest of the season. In the case of your Houston Nine, Tim Purpura should know by now how much longer he’s planning on jerking us around.
Things change from April 1 to the end of May. Leaving Kissimmee, The Astros weren’t counting on Adam Everett, Brad Ausmus or Craig Biggio to lead the team offensively. They weren’t counting on Hunter PENCE!!! to be called up before September and I’m pretty sure they weren’t expecting Lance Berkman to become Bob Hamelin, but such is life. Looking at the construction of the 2007 version of the Astros, the team was going to rely on the hope that they were going to get 2005 versions of Jason Lane and Morgan Ensberg and the 2006 versions of Luke Scott and Chris Burke (who was also going to learn to play center.) They were counting on Jason Jennings to be better than Jason Hirsch. Whatever the opposite of all of that would be is how Houston is sitting at 21-29. And while no one could have predicted (or can even explain) what Berkman has done so far this season, the rest of this is sitting at the feet of Count Purpula.
While Purpura’s lack of activity around Ensberg, Lane and Burke looked justified at the end of 2005, today, it couldn’t look any worse Jeff Bagwell was actually shooting balls out of his ass. Ensberg and Lane are just not good Major League baseball players. No crime that; they appear to be good guys, probably great at parties (until they start that Southern Cali crap, but who really likes anyone from California?) and good with their families, but neither can be counted on for anything, outside of making outs, and it’s been that way for awhile. Okay, 18 months, but who’s counting? Burke may very well be a man without a position, and I think he’s suffered for that, but honestly, if Biggio dropped dead tomorrow, is anyone excited about the prospect of a 28-year old with limited range trotting out his .256/.328/.387 to second base every day? Mrs. Burke, your vote doesn’t count.
So the question, back to lil’ Timmy P., is why? Why in the world have you hitched your wagon to these three? What do you see that makes you say, “I’ll be your huckleberry” month after month for these guys? The current rumor is that Purpura won’t even listen to offers for Burke, even though someone still thinks he has value. For emphasis, I will point out that “someone” is not Cam Bonifay. Purpura publicly preaches patience with the prospects and possibilities with the other players. Despite fantastic alliteration, this doesn’t mean anything if that patience isn’t ever rewarded. The organization should be to the point that they are past patience with these three. It is something that Purpura obviously struggles with, and maybe for some selfish reasons. Purpura made his name in baseball running the Astros minor league operation. His reputation is based on Ensberg, Lane and Burke (and to a lesser extent, Scott) doing well, mainly because it would mask how little talent is in the upper rungs of the minors for the Astros to rely on.
What do you do then, if you’re Purpura, you have a bewildered Drayton McLane breathing down your neck wondering why his $96 million payroll is 8 games under and 6.5 games back? Is there an answer for why the team has played so poorly, in nearly every aspect? If there is one, Purpura better let the rest of us in on the plan pretty soon. The clock is ticking, and for the time being (which I’m guessing is going to last, oh, about 28 more hits), people are still watching.
SCORECARD
50 games in, and the suck is palatable, in a 1987 or 2000 kind of way.
A – Carlos Lee, Mark Loretta. Two signings this winter, both curious for different reasons. Lee’s signing, ranches notwithstanding, was curious because Drayton McLane is the cheapest man alive and makes Scrooge McDuck (pre-ghost) look charitable. Loretta was curious because he has a woman’s name and signed with Houston even though there didn’t appear to be a position for him to play. Thankfully, Mark knew that the odds of Pigeon Shit taking some hacks was wishful at best. Both have been better than advertised.
B – Hunter Pence, Roy Oswalt, Chris Sampson, the Bullpen, Beer Prices. Chris Sampson and Pence have been the best stories on the team this season so far. Pence has a chance to be really special, especially if he doesn’t whirlygig himself into the batter’s box every time he sees a breaking pitch. Despite recent struggles, the Bullpen has been good. Brad Lidge, after the demotion and before the injury, has almost pitched himself off the team (in a good way) and everyone else has had their moments. Oswalt would probably be in line for a better grade, but the bitching about run support has started again, and that’ll cost you every time. The Beer Prices have held steady from 2006. Considering an average 11% increase every year for the last 4, this is good news.
C – Brad Ausmus, Mike Lamb, Humberto Quintero, Steak Dogs – All three have been solid this year. Lamb only needs to be a starter at 1st. I hope he gets to do that somewhere. The catchers have met expectations so far. The steak dogs haven’t been consistently available this year.
D – Craig Biggio, Adam Everett, Orlando Palmerio, Wandy Rodriguez, Matt Albers, Phil Garner – Almost getting what you need from these guys, but not quite. Wandy still melts down with any adversity. Albers is back down after some “mixed results”. Palmerio still doesn’t strike out, but doesn’t exactly get hits anymore either. Everett is fitting his role in Houston as a human Dyson, but .190 is a new kind of suck, even for him. Biggio…well, what is the point of even talking about this anymore. Get the damn 28 and fast. Garner is obviously frustrated, but the mix and match game he’s playing isn’t working, and it may be time for some Just For Men for the ol’ stache there, Burt.
F – Lance Berkman, Morgan Ensberg, Chris Burke, Jason Lane, Luke Scott, the Shed – See above in this column. Teams with losing streaks of 7 and 8 in the first 50 games are not good. This is the reason the Astros are where they are. Only Berkman, and maybe Scott have any ability to turn this around. If only the Shed held out any hopes of improvement…since the Astros have stopped cutting guys after signing sessions, there is no reason to walk in there. The gift shop at Fenway is more reasonably priced.
MISCELLANY
I honestly didn’t care enough to write anything this year when Clemens-Fest ended with The Racket headed back to the warmth of Andy Pettitte’s bosom. I’m glad he’s gone, and I’m not excited about the fact that he’s going to be waving his cap trying to get corporations to buy tickets for 10 years in a season or 2. But I’ve heard enough to know that the golf tournament incident was a huge deal in the club house and with the front office. So despite Phil Garner’s statement otherwise, it mattered and it bothered people. Is lack of distraction worth 2 games? Probably not, but the Astros deserved the chance to find out last season.
I have XM, and haven’t listened to sports radio since Christmas 2005 because of it. With the recent Opie and Anthony suspension freeing up some of my time (how do you get suspended for content on an uncensored channel…when you didn’t make the offending comments?) I made the mistake of tuning in to 610 recently. Rich Lord and Mark VanDerWalBerginstein have got to be a practical joke being played on Houston by Clear Channel. Don’t you think if you own every radio station in the world, you could better allocate talent to the top 10 markets? Lord makes Louie Anderson look insightful and edgy.
So this weekend, a combination of 38 days of rain and my need to study for a certification exam, led me to be indoors with a television on. (I need noise to study by.) I settled on TLC because there’s nothing on there I ever have to pay attention to, and my wife, who felt the need to sit near me every now and then, might find all the house flipping shows boring enough to leave the house. Anyway, one of those shows, the Real Deal features Richard Davis, owner of Trademark Investments. You ever watch a couple of people and know that they’re having sex on a regular basis? I’m pretty sure that Richard is banging his assistant. Entrepreneurial spirit at it’s finest.