By ‘strosrays
The Bucs Still Suck, and other rhymes
Astros (9-9) at Pirates (7-10)
PNC Park, 115 Federal St., Pittsburgh, PA 15212
a/k/a “The Prettiest Little Ballpark in the Majors”
Tuesday, April 24, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, April 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Thursday, April 26, 11:35 a.m. CDT – FSN
The Wednesday game will be carried by KNWS, which is to say it won’t be watchable for many of us outside a 5-mile radius of the KNWS tower, wherever it may be at the time. Of course, since the Thursday game on FSN is slated to begin at 11:30 in the morning (getaway day), many of us who are gainfully employed and wish to remain so won’t be able to watch it either. . . besides which, an 11:30 a.m. start? To quote I believe Jim Pagliaroni, from Ball Four, “11:30 a.m.? I’m not even done puking at that hour.” Finally, the rumor that the KNWS tower is actually a bent coat hanger attached to the broken-off arial on a Reflex blue© 1965 Chevy Impala big block, owned by some guy named ‘Chuy’ who lives in Porter – while compelling – is probably not actually true.
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Tuesday
Woody Williams (0-2, 6.55) v. Paul Maholm (0-2, 6.19)
Woody Williams is a veteran righty at a crossroads. He comes at hitters nowadays with a mediocre fastball and a sack full of junk, including a knuckler he tossed up there a little last time out, after all was lost. If he is ever going to have a quality start again, about now would be a real good time for it. . . Paul Maholm (mah-HALL-uhm) is yet another crafty portsider out of the Buccos’ farm system, they must grow these guys on trees down there. Maholm is a big ol’ boy (6’ 2”, 235 lbs.) from the Greenwood, Mississip, who knows his way around the strike zone, as well as a buffet line. He’s not afraid to play a little country hardball; but, truth is, he hasn’t been a very good pitcher to this point; in fact, he has no business in a major league rotation. But he always gives you 110%, and takes each game one loss at a time. And, as mentioned, he’s fat, and left-handed; so he should be on the Pirates staff for years to come. So far in this his sophomore campaign, the league has pretty much had his number. . . after three starts (Reds, Co-ards, Brewers), he is 0-2 with a plus six on the ol’ earned run ledger. In other words, he’s meat.
Wednesday
Matt Albers (0-0, 3.00) v. Zach Duke (1-2, 9.00)
Matt Albers is the stylish 23-year-old righty straight outta Sugar Land (by way of San Jacinto JC.) He got his first start of the 2007 campaign last Friday in Milwaukee, after a call-up from Round Rock, and acquitted himself well, matching Brewers ace Ben Sheets for six innings in a game the Spacemen eventually won at the very end, as has been their wont of late (well, until the last three games, that is.) This earned young Albers an extension to his MLB itinerary. If he can pitch like he did his first time out with any consistency, the Astros will be leaning heavily on him for the next several weeks, while Jason Jennings heals up, and Woody Williams searches for the answers to the questions, whatever they may be. Here’s to Mr. Albers being up to the challenge. . . Zach Duke is a struggling Pirates lefty hurler (redundant terms, there), who got off quick in ’07 with a couple of quality starts (including a 7 IP, 2 ER no decision against the Astros in MMPUS on Opening Day) before being bombed back into the Stoned Age in his most recent outings, vs. San Francisco and Milwaukee (combined 6 IP, 14 ERs.) Zach Duke sounds like a character, maybe a State Police detective, from the television series Hawaii 5-0; which by the way I have recently been viewing in a digitally remastered form – the entire season #1 (28 episodes) plus pilot movie on 7 discs I picked up recently at Amazon for $40.00. Fucking awesome. My scholarly, engaging monograph on Steve McGarrett as cultural monolith and prototypical American Loner icon probably isn’t appropriate for a Series Preview; suffice it to say I recommend this re-issue strongly to anyone interested in that sort of thing. And I recently read season #2 will be released in much the same format sometime after the All-Star break. Mahola. Fuckin’ aye. Be there, aloha
Thursday
Wandy Rodriguez (0-2, 4.74) v. Tony Armas (0-2, 18.90)
Wandy Rodriguez appeared to be standing on the verge of getting it on, so to speak, this time last week. He’d put together a couple of solid early-season outings, avoiding many pitfalls which had dogged him previously. This turn of events had even caused KTRH studio flunky Tom Franklin to utter something semi-coherent the other day, which at the time was about as expected as Oetzi the Iceman, the five-thousand-year-old mummy discovered in a Tyrolean glacier in 1991, suddenly sitting up on a laboratory table and reciting the hot picks on NASDAQ for the week. But I swear I heard Franklin say on a pre-game show that Wandy’s recent success was due to avoiding blowing up after a minor setback and thus giving up big innings. Yes! Re-animation of the brain dead is a scientific possibility! Meantime, of course, Sr. Rodriguez reverted to form and got blowed up real good in his most recent start in Milwaukee, just like the old days; thus effectively quashing any budding Wandy-lust amongst Astro camp followers, who will never trust him again. . . Tony Armas, Jr. is a struggling Pirates hurler, late of the Expos/Gnats, who brings it – in a manner of speaking – from the starboard side. He is the son of Tony Armas, Sr., a terrific defensive outfielder of the 1970’s and 1980’s (A’s, Red Sox) who went to the Gorman Thomas-Rob Deer Academy of Hitting. All or nothing. Big hit, or miss. Armas fils pitches in something of the same manner. Mostly miss, though he has good mechanics, and trusts his stuff.
By the way, in order to create more interest in the “Probable Matchups” section, in addition to offering biting, informative, up-to-date commentary regarding who will be pitching for whom in this series, this week the section also doubles as a sort of Word Jumble®. I have attempted to cleverly imbed several hoary stock clichés, baseball and otherwise, into the text. First person to find and identify all the trite and weathered bon mots and adages wins a pint of Old Heaven Hill Kentucky Sippin’ Whiskey (retail value $1.69 or thereabouts at Spec’s) and one of those giant Sonic cokes to mix it in. Should be pretty easy. Ain’t no big t’ing, brudda. Craig Biggio and members of Craig Biggio’s family not eligible.
On the 24th, the Pirates are continuing their every Tuesday at home promotion of giving away a commemorative collector’s coin and holder for each of the 12 Pirates in the Hall of Fame. This week the honoree is Honus Wagner, the great Pirate shortstop from 1900-1917. This is a really cool promotion, actually, and. . . well, here’s what it says about it on the Pirates’ website:
Today, history is being made! To mark the one-hundred and thirty-third anniversary of the birth of Honus Wagner (or the 52nd anniversary of his death, whichever), the National Collector’s Mint is releasing a double-dated Honus Wagner Commemorative. This groundbreaking non-monetary issue will never be released for circulation! Now, it is available through this special private minting for Pirate fans only! This truly unique commemorative is created using two distinct struck pieces. First, a traditional round planchet is struck with frosted relief on a mirror-like background. Then, a magnificently engraved vignette featuring Honus Wagner is struck separately and fitted into the background. This Honus Wagner vignette can be removed and inserted into a slot on the face of the commemorative. The effect is dazzling — it is literally transformed into a lifelike recreation of ‘Ol’ Dutch’, as Wagner was affectionately called, as he crouches at shortstop, ready to pounce on a wayward grounder!
The Honus Wagner vignette is lavishly clad in gleaming silver miraculously recovered from fillings in Wagner’s teeth, when his remains were recently disinterred by agents of Natio – rather, when he was moved from one gravesite to another, according to family wishes. To mark the anniversary of Wagner’s birth (or death), $5 is donated to descendents of the Pirate great (if there are any who can be located) for every Honus Wagner Commemorative given away on Tuesday night! The stunning design of this magnificent Wagner memorial is a 15 mg. of 24 KT gold and 15 mg. of .999 pure silver clad tribute to the greatest infielder in the history of the Pirates team!
On the obverse, a luminous Forbes Field backdrop featuring the great Honus Wagner gleams against a frosty background. On the reverse, a Pittsburgh street scene from the early 1900’s features the various taverns Wagner liked to patronize in his playing days, in relief against a sooty backdrop, much as things would have looked in ‘The Flying Dutchman’s’ time. These commemoratives may well be among the most historically meaningful collectibles you will ever own!
Price was to be set at $49.95. However, during this limited special release, this Gold and Silver clad masterpiece can be yours for free! But you must act NOW to take advantage of this Special Striking offer. THIS offer MAY BE withdrawn at any time without notice at the sole discretion of the Pirates and National Collector’s Mint.
Each Honus Wagner Commemorative comes with a Certificate of Authenticity verifying its 24 KT gold and .999 pure silver content, the latter also verified as having been recovered from the ‘Moldering Dutchman’s’ rotting bridgework. Each is individually numbered! Distribution will take place in registration number order. So, the earliest arrivals at the park will receive the highly coveted lowest registration numbers!
When the shrinking supply of silver recovered from Wagner’s decaying pegs is finished, this striking will end forever! So, there is a strict limit of five Honus Wagner Commemoratives per family. The coins will be disbursed on a first-come, first-served basis! And, as always, your satisfaction is guaranteed by the most reputable name in commemorative collectables, the National Collector’s Mint.
Injury Report
Pittsburgh – Currently no serious injuries.
Houston – Jason Jennings is at the top of the list, currently on the 15-day DL for tendonitis in his pitching elbow. We have been reassured it is not a big deal, which might lead one to think it is a bigger deal than we are being reassured it isn’t. Hector Gimenez (labrum) and Brandon Backe (Tommy John surgery) are longer-term DL habitués. In fact, both have got comfortable enough there to do some redecorating – Backe had a billiards table brought in (and a paint ball course installed out back), while Gimenez picked out some stylish alternating black and white Rozzano leather sofas and love seats from Gallery Furniture for the media room.
Our ‘Interesting Things To Look For This Series’
a/k/a Ahoy, and Avast! The Pirates Ain’t In Last (Yet)
- The IC. By way of disclosure, I should probably point out up front that I have ancestral ties to the Pittsburgh area, and have spent a fair amount of time there over the years, visiting. Anyway, I have always found the Iron City to be one of the more interesting places on the landscape, or at least one with interesting contradictions. For instance, the associated image of a heavily ethnic, mostly Eastern European blue collar working class, alongside a couple of the better research universities in the country (Pitt, Carnegie-Mellon). Two-fisted, populist politics, which embrace everyday graft as an efficient and agreeable way to get things done. (Pittsburgh line – Q:“What are the four sweetest words in the English language?’ A: ‘Here is your end.’”) A predominantly white working middle class population, devoted fans of teams (Steelers, Pirates) which are racially diverse, and were early on, relative to their respective sports. Small market sports teams with long traditions of success. A city of great achievers – Andrew Mellon, Gen. George Marshall, John Heinz, Admiral Peary – where the overwhelmingly admired personal trait is a self-depreciating sense of humor. (As far as I know, Pittsburgh is the birthplace of the all-purpose term jagov. It is still in widespread use, I am told. As in, “I forgot our anniversary, honey. I’m such a jagov.” Roy Blount, Jr. once remarked on being startled by an attractive young woman in a Pittsburgh bar who, in reply to something he said, came back with, “You’re just jagging me off, aren’t you?”) In other words, Pittsburgh is a pretty cool town, in my estimation. Too bad it is saddled with a team like the present-day Pirates.
- PNC Park. Pretty little park (the major’s smallest, save for Fenway.) Unencumbered by stupid fake distractions like a train and track, no need for a superstructure to support a retractable roof. . . so what you get is a nice vista of actual downtown Pittsburgh, of the Fort Duquesne bridge, and of the Allegheny River. It’s only a two-deck stadium, so no “nosebleed” seats. If the Pirates ever do get it together, a good team playing in a place like that would be tremendously popular. The required lining up of all the planets and asteroids and black holes in order for such a thing to occur is not likely to happen anytime soon, though.
- Not much else. With the possible exception of the Kansas City Royals, the Pirates are the dullest team in MLB, by far. They are going nowhere this year, or any other year in the foreseeable future. Their farm system is defunct – the last exciting prospect they had was ErrorMiss, maybe, or Jason Kendall. . . someone over a decade ago, anyway. (By the way, I just realized Aramis Ramirez’ second apellido is Nin. Aramis Nin, hmmm. . . “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. In other words, see ya in Chi-town, pendejos.”) The Pirate manager is a stock non-entity. There is not one guy in the lineup who generates any real excitement. Oh, sure, Jason Bay is a nice player, but he is basically a big, slow guy who walks a lot, strikes out a lot, and occasionally hits long home runs. :snore: And he’s about it. The one redeeming quality of the recent Pirates teams is their propensity to become cannon fodder for the rest of the NL in the early part of the season. The Pirates record in April over the last several seasons: (2003) 11-14; (2004) 10-11; (2005) 8-14; (2006) 7-19. Hell, they’re usually out of the pennant race almost before it gets started. The NL Central has really been a five-team division, all along.
- Ghosts, Part II. It is hard for someone who first began following baseball seriously in the early 1970’s to mentally associate the Pirates with comical mediocrity, even after a decade and a half of Three Stooges-like bumbling. In my earliest memories of the Pirates, they were not bumbling at all. They were guys like Roberto Clementé and Willie Stargell, Manny Sanguillen and Matty Alou, continually ripping the ball in laser-like lines to all corners of the park, and beyond. Those Pirate teams were interesting and raucous and always in contention. In 1971 they knocked off the emerging Big Red Machine from Cincinnati and won the NL crown, then proceeded to beat a great Orioles club in the World Series that year. The rest of the decade the Pirates remained in the top tier of the National League, and in 1979 once again took the NL title, and again beat the Orioles in the World Series.In the early 1980’s, with the team strung out on cocaine and the management tripping on bad publicity and the fallout from The Pittsburgh Drug Trials, the franchise was allowed to flounder under Chuck Tanner; but mid-decade the organization righted itself and brought in Jim Leyland, and by the dawn of the 1990’s, the Pirates were a world class team again, just missing a couple of return trips to the Fall Classic. It was immediately after this that the team was sold and dismantled, and increasingly incompetent management was put in place. The nadir, one would have thought, was somewhere in the Gene Lamont-Lloyd McClendon years, when Cam Bonifay and Syd Thrift had control of the front office and ran the team literally into the ground. The only problem is, Bonifay, et al, are six or seven years gone now, and the Dave Littlefield version of the team, and its prospects for the immediate future, look no better than they did in the Bonifay years. When the current Pirates front office went out looking for an unheralded, Leyland-like savior to manage the team and resuscitate its fortunes, they brought in. . . Jim Tracy, LA Dodger retread. I have people in my family in the Pittsburgh area who are lifelong Pirate fans. They are generally miserable, knowing as long as Kevin McClatchey owns the club, they are going nowhere, except maybe backwards. I feel for them. But not too much, heh.Sometime back, a Canadian fellow surveyed the misery, the carnage, and the desolation that has been the Pittsburgh franchise over the last fifteen years, and penned a moving and elegiac paean to the woes of present-day PirateFan:
In PNC, the Pirates blow
Between the rivers where they flow,
That mark the place, down at The Point
Where heroes once we would anoint
Like Barry Bonds, and Bobby Bo.We are the Dead. Short years ago
Clementé reigned, and ‘Pops’ would go
Deep, and we would cheer. Now we just whine
In PNC.Our ‘five-year plan’ just hit ten, plus four:
Our children’s children may never know
How it feels to root for a winning team.
’We Are Fa-mi-lee’ was just a dream
Don’t awaken us from it. The Bucs still suck, we know
In PNC.Or, as they say in Quebec, “Les boucaniers ont pataugé, et ont dépensé tous leurs doublons en imbéciles et incompetents. Et ne jamais ils se lèvent de la boue de la honte.”
“To the living we owe respect, but to the dead we owe only the truth.” – the ol’ Gallic portsider, François-Marie Arouet (Voltaire)
Astros sweep the series, 3-0. Mistah Dutch, he dead. A penny for the old guy.
You may discuss today’s game in real time in the GameZone.
And remember, a howlin’ wind runs through here, blowin’ every day. Two-thirds of this series may end up rained out and postponed, rendering this entire literary effort pointless and futile. Just like the Pirates, natch.