by Alkie
This season promises to be unlike any season we’ve ever seen before. Mostly because that’s how linear time works. Spring Training is winding down and the rotations are almost set. Except for the last spot. And the spot before that.
As everyone puts together their fantasy team (for some reason) and gets out the ol’ Rainbow Gut from the mothballs, I notice people paying good money to buy predictions at other websites on how this season will play out. Well, fuck that! As part of my good will toward man (and child), I will offer these 101% guarantees for the 2007 season, absolutely free to you, the listener.
- Roger Clemens will return to the RedSox on May 25, demand a trade to the Yankees on June 1, retire for good on June 26th and return to the Astros at the break.
- Jason Lane will make the All-Star team. In Japan.
- Morgan Ensberg will take his magic Odd Year Balm (wink wink) and fall off his fucking treadmill while washing his truck.
- Brad Lidge will blow at least one game this year. Write that down.
- The Astros will come in 4th place, at best. Unless the Cards, Brewers, and Reds are worse than the Astros, in which case they will come in 3rd place.
- Luke Scott will end up catching 45 games this season and you’ll be thankful he did.
- Jason Jennings will emerge as the true ace of this staff. Of course it’s a fucking joke, people, HE’S A NUMBER THREE AT BEST.
- Alyson Footer will hold a contest in the TZ to win a date with her. It’s all just a cruel joke with no real winner, but what some of you people will do to win a 3-hour conversation with a beat writer is truly amazing.
- Jose de Jesus Ortiz will join the TZ under the nickname “pravata.” Shit, was I not supposed to say that?
- Richard Justice will join the TZ under the nickname “pravata.” Then “MusicMan.” Then “pravata.”
- The Astros will sweep the Pirates in the opening series and spirits will be at an all time high around here. Popes will rejoice, commoners will rant, and trolls will stalk JimR. Then the series with the Co-ards will fix everything.
- Wednesday, June 27th, Milwaukee. Turning point of the season. Walk-off grand slam. Epic extra innings battle. Blood. Everywhere.
- The days the Astros will be in first place – April 2-4, 19, 23-26, May 18-23.
- Carlos Lee will drive in 108 runs and hit 36 HRs. Give or take 40 RBIs and 20 HRs.
- MLB will go back to the old baseball caps when everyone except Kobe complains about the way they feel.
- Your division champs: Rockies, Brewers, Fish. A’s, Twins, Blue Jays.
- Big trade at the break-Curt Schilling to the Astros for Jason Hirsh, Willy T, and…..oh nevermind.
- Dontrelle Willis for Roy Oswalt! Read all about it! Somehow, Orioles involved!
- You will stop making Real Father of Anna Nicole’s Baby jokes. Eventually.
- The Yankees will be grossly overrated, but will make the playoffs as the Wild Card. When they get swept out in the DS, all major media outlets will wonder how a rotation consisting of old men and Wang didn’t outscore the opponent.
- Jim Edmonds will spend the entire year on the DL, limiting him to .452/.600/1.412 at Minute Maid.
- Brandon Backe (remember him? Entertainment Weekly has him as our #2) will come back much earlier than planned. One week before we’re eliminated.
- Barry Zito will have a worse year than Roy Oswalt. Suddenly, it seems this Purpura fellow has learned a thing or two from Hun. I miss Hun.
- Gerry Hunsicker returns to Houston! To sell his house!
- The Silver Boot Series! This Time, It Counts As 6 Games In The Standings!
- Mark Loretta will start a majority of the games this year at 2B. Biggio will be moved to DH once he hits #3000.
- Because Houston is not in New York State, hit number 3,000 will be a 3 second mini-highlight on SportsCenter. And the crowd goes wild.
- Domingo! Domingo! Domingo! Lance! Twinkies! Blood! We already made this joke!
- Cubs fans will want Dusty Baker fired by June 1st. You’re lucky they figured out Dusty was, at some point, their manager.
- Fuck me in the eye. I just remembered the Cards are defending World Champs. Ready yourselves for a year of the Best Poor Sports in Baseball.
- Why doesn’t anyone bring up the amazing parity in MLB? You didn’t even realize that the last 6 World Series were won by, in order, NL West, AL West, NL East, AL East, AL Central, NL Central. Find me another sport like that.
- The debate will rage on into the night: are we a drinking site with a baseball obsession, a baseball site with a drinking obsession, or are we all just a very well crafted figment of Billy Spiers imagination?
- Greg Lucas will do all games this year FULLY CLOTHED.
- Year Two of “Is that Dolan or Raymond? HONEY, is this Dolan or Raymond???”
- Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s THRU THE…..WHOOOOOOOA! He! Put a blue! SAFE! ASTROS WIN! ASTROS WIN! ASTROS WIN!? It never gets old. Neither does Milo. And why is that?
- The Chronicle will report the Astros’ toenail officially ingrown on July 13. We’ll show THEM.
- Even with the Astros out of the playoffs, you won’t be any more productive at work this October than you were last October.
- Hunter Pence will fail to make a single out while at bat this year. They will name him King of Round Rock, give him the Wendi Selig’s hand in marriage, name a disease after him, and still not call him up until September.
- Viacom will sue Limey for poisoning the world with YouTube.
- Sheriff Blaylock will finally lose his post to Sheriff Lobo. You thought I’d make a joke about Wolf brand chili, didn’t you? I ain’t touching that with a rented dick.
- Speaking of rented dick, does anyone else think Manny would make an excellent 3B?
- You’ll question your true fanhood when you find it that when it’s translated from Spanish, it actually means “Fresh Vagina.”
- The NLCS is on TBS this year. It’s not so much a prediction as I can’t say it enough. I don’t even care who calls the games. No Buck, No McCarver for the NLCS. If you feel like hitting your kids, just bookmark this, come back, and read that last line until you’re completely relaxed.
- Minute Maid, even without Clemens or Pettitte, will produce below average runs scored. Every single sportswriter will continue to refer to it as a bandbox. Which is true, I mean, it’s only been a neutral-to-pitcher’s park for like 5 years.
- Jeff Bagwell will…Jeff Bagwell will…..Jeff..Bagwell….will..WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I. Can’t. Do. It. WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
- Your very real, biggest trade deadline pickup by the Astros: Mo Alou.
- $4m per month is roughly $8,000 per pitch. To play baseball. For a living. You’d do roids too. I’m KIDDING. I JOKE. It’s what I DO. Sheesh.
- The fansite war to end all fansites finally occurs, paid for by the Houston Chronicle. You, the careless reader, become real sports news for some reason and hundreds of overpaid semi-professional Astros fans with thin skin and too much time at work will whine. Egos will be bruised. Nasty things will be said that can’t be taken back. Someone will point out that AstrosDaily doesn’t even fucking HAVE a forum. We will be educated. Oh yes. We will be educated.
- Morgana returns!
- Astros finish 86-76, in 2nd place. You will be blamed and everyone will have a better idea of how to run this team than Purpura, who will inexplicably get to keep his job; mostly based on his 1) real world experience running a ballclub and 2) his ability to keep from making stupid trades like Roy Oswalt for Lastings Milledge. You’ll watch all 162 games and you’ll complain. But in the end, it will be the best 486 hours you spend all year.
My GOD, I miss baseball. Let’s get this show on the road.