By Limey
This week, I’ve been mostly watching the World Cup.
I’m subbing for Craig, who started to think about how much he hates the Rangers and his head exploded. I’m posting this extra early because I’m going to be busy all day tomorrow skiving off work to watch the footy. So, let’s see what’s been going on the with ‘Stros [clicks through a couple of pop-ups] WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
Good news: the June Swoon is almost over. Time for the July Goodbye to begin. Followed by August Disgust and the September Dismember. Holy shit this is a bad team right now! Losers of nine out of twelve they just got mauled by the Tigers for three straight; shut out in two of ’em. Is there some cosmic law that one of the teams playing in Tiger Stadium has to play like shit?
Now it’s off to Dallarse to play the Rump Rangers of Texas.
When:
Friday, June 30, 7:35 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, July 1, 12:20 p.m. CDT – Big Fox & Big Fox HD
Sunday, July 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN & FSN HD (Ch. 302 on TimeWarner)
MLB Extra Innings – Haven’t the foggiest. Don’t know/care where to look.
Where: The Ballsack at Armpit-on
The Rangers are 3 games over .500, but 20-21 at home where it’s hotter than a snake’s arse in a wagon rut.
Projected Matchups
Roy Oswalt (6-3, 3.26) v. Vincent Padilla (6-5, 4.76)
Padilla hasn’t faced the Astros this year. Probably a good thing too as he’s been worn out by half of the line-up. Berkman’s OPS against him is 1.706! That’s 7-13 (.538 BA) with 3 walks, 6 ribs, a dinger, 4 doubles and only 1 K. Biggio, Lamb and Willy T. are also hitting him at a .500 clip, while Everett’s at .444. Palmeiro tops the lot of ’em with a .571 BA. Ensberg? Oh-fer. Expect to see Lamb at 3B, Willy back in CF and OP starting tonight.
What about Oswalt you ask? He’s 4-1 with a 3.47 ERA vs. the Texans yadda, yadda, yadda. Roy will be Roy, it’s what the offense and defense does around him that matters.
Wandy Rodriguez (8-5, 4.79) v. J. Wasdin (1-0, 3.38)
Wasdin was DL’d on June 12, so I’m guessing this is his first start back after straining a thumb (probably while “reading” the Dallas Cheerleaders calendar in the bathroom). I hope he’s recovered and is pitching, because he’s got a 10.80 ERA vs. the good guys (in 2 games, 1 as starter). Of course, he’s got no decisions in those two games, so I didn’t even bother trying to look back to see what kind of clusterfuck could’ve occurred for that to be the case. Everyone smokes this fool (although Lance is 0-2 with a walk), with Biggio leading the charge with a 2.600 OPS. I shit you not: 3-5, 1 double and 2 dingers. Is Biggio going to be ok to play this series? That’s my job to tell you, you say? Bugger.
Wandy’s never faced the Rangers and has hardly faced any of their roster any other time. He wins when he gets run support (and doesn’t give up 8 runs in 1.1 innings on a Friday night when Limey’s taken his visiting family to see a game and has front row seats and ends up watching a fucked up game and has to explain why baseball isn’t normally like this and why the fuck couldn’t Rodriguez’ herpes have flared up that night so that Sampson could’ve started the game at 0-0 and not down 8-0 and fuck!!!!). This one could be a slug-fest; Fox will love it!
Taylor Buchholz (6-8, 5.75) v. Kevin Millwood (8-4, 4.47)
Last time we saw Millwood, he was pitching 7 innings of 4-hit shut-out ball in MMPUS. He’s 5-2 all-time vs. the Astros with a measly 2.60 ERA. The Astros’ old guard of Biggio, Bagwell and Ausmus hit him well, as does Wilson who either hits or fans (so, no change there then). That’s about it. Everyone else combines for a blip above an of-fer. Dave Clark was 0-2 but he did get a walk once. I wonder if the Umps let him keep ball 4.
As scary as Millwood was in his last start against the Astros, he cannot match the heroics of Buchholz. A CGSO on 5 hits with 6 Ks and zero walks. Whatever happened to that kid? Oh, that’s right, he came back for his next start and gave up 9 earnies in less than 4 innings. Against Pittsburgh. This could be a fine match-up, but you may want to have plenty of beer on hand in case the Rangers mete out some payback.
Key injuries:
Houston – Brandon Backe is in rehab for 28 days “errr” 3 starts from Thursday, so he should be back with the team in time to sit through the rainouts in Florida in mid-July. Jeff Bagwell is scowling at the Italian countryside and may or may not be schtupping Diane Lane under the Tuscan sun. Biggio has shoulder-knack, but I’m hoping he’s fit to play as this series is BP to him.
Texas – Starting pitchers Loe and Eaton, plus reliever Rupe are all down with shell-shock. Wasdin is officially on the DL, but should be activated for Saturday’s game. Funny, all the Rangers? hitters are ok.
Other shit
Friday and Saturday, the World Cup’s last 8 is whittled down to its last 4. Friday’s brunch match between Germany and Argentina should be a cracker. Maybe Friday’s a good day to take an early lunch because the afternooner is a horror story in the making: woeful and pitiful Ukraine vs. woeful and pitiful Italy. Ugh!
Saturday morning brings up stuttering England vs. Portugal’s band of gifted thespians. There?s an opportunity for payback here as Portugal beat England in Euro 2004’s quarter finals, only after a penalty shoot-out that came about only after Sol Campbell’s perfectly acceptable winning goal was ruled out because Portugal’s goalie chipped a nail. But like my Murphy’s, I’m not bitter. Watch for England to give the floptastic Portuguese something to actually cry about. England will be without Michael Owen but otherwise at full strength. For Portugal: Deco is out, Figo is in and Christiana Ronaldo is probable.
Last up on Saturday afternoon is a rematch of the 1998 final between Brazil and France. Les Jaunes “errr” Bleus found just enough sack against perennial choke-artists Spain to get here. Meanwhile Brazil cruised past a the Ghanaians who apparently were all wearing their Frank Lampard model shooting boots. Oddly enough, Brazil haven’t beaten France since 1981, but they haven’t played them that much either.
Limey’s picks: Argentina over Germany; Italy over Ukraine; England over Portugal (du-uh) and Brazil over France. And just to show that I’m not a completely blind homer, I’m picking an Argie-Brazil final.