I actually agreed to write this article back in December but had to keep it under wraps for a couple of reasons…a) Physically we all know I can’t hold up writing columns for an entire season. By the end of a season, at my age, there’s always father time and uncle groin-pull there to keep me from churning out column after column and, b) my ego is a constantly shrinking combination of hair-dye, University of Texas paraphernalia and self-loathing.
Without constant attention and praise from television networks, print media and commerical work, I might just DIE! I saw it on an episode of Buffy…some high school girl got ignored and all of a sudden-like turned completely invisible.
Or she got the chili-shits …whatever. I’m not going out like that.
Anyway, The Racket is back in the fold after a Winter and Spring full of golf outings with Vince Young, bathhouses with George Steinbrenner and Tom Hicks offering all the dutch door action he could handle.
From Kevin Mench.
As fun as all that must have been…mmmmm, Mench… ultimately, Roger Clemens decided that baseball couldn’t live another day without him. Or maybe he wanted to stop the weekly reports about the length and girth of his stool. Although I doubt that because, hey, as long as they spell your name right… But from the comments at his press conference, it does almost seem like he’s being forced against his will to accept $3.5 million per month. “I’m going to give it a shot. I don’t necessarily know that I need to or that I want to, but I’m committed.” I was half-looking for him to be flashing signs so we know where the Symbionese Liberation Army was holding Patty Hearst.
Either way, he’s our asshole again. And as much as Drayton McLane and Count Purpula have been maligned during this whole process, they played this perfectly, and now have the starting pitcher that they need.
But Richard, didn’t you say the Astros screwed up big time with Roger by not showing him the love and respect he deserved. And like a month later, didn’t you say the Astros front office did the right thing by ot offering Clemens arbitration. And like a couple of weeks after that, weren’t you blasting the front office because Clemens was surely going to sign with New York or Boston? And then didn’t your hair fall out as cosmic retribution for being such a pompous asshat? Or do I have that last part out of sequence?
You’re in the wrong column, Dick Justice id. But if you accept that this deal wasn’t done in December at the request of Team Racket…and boy wasn’t whichever Hendricks brother was wearing Bud Adams wig yesterday trying to sell that idea hard…The Astros got the player they wanted for $12.6 million with the idea that he’ll still be healthy at the end of the year. And for a team with the Astros’ playoff aspirations, that’s not a bad place to be.
Pretty much any time you can replace Mike Gallo with Roger Clemens, you make that deal. Similarly, Mr. & Mrs. Gallo have been trying to replace Mikey for years. Cutting his face out of family pictures and replacing it with headshots of variously, William F. Buckley, Bob Costas and Ron Palillo.
Obviously, this should make the rotation stronger while pushing Fernando Nieve back to the bullpen. If Brandon Backe can get healthy, all of a sudden you have some good arms in your bullpen to go along with that rotation. If Tim Purpura can make an actual trade for an actual major league hitter (or get Lance Berkman’s knee ungimpy…either way) the Astros could be sitting pretty come September.
For better or worse, they’re going to make those moves with Clemens in the fold. The signing doesn’t mean the end of the Chris Burke at shortstop thesises, or hide how Jason Lane couldn’t hit a hooker if he used a pimp to do it. But Clemens does fill a need. Beyond providing 20%-Off coupons to that Rocket Grill disaster-to-be at Memorial City Mall, he’s shoring up the rotation. For 2006, for these Astros, that’s as good a place as any to start.