And so it begins.
Actually, I take that back. It began when the Astros acquired Carlos Beltran in a three-way that left the Peter Gammonses of the world agape and ajaw, dealing then-closer Octavio Dotel to the A’s and John Buck to the Royals. It continued when the move didn’t pay immediate dividends. The educated voices swirled that the Astros should “flip” Beltran (and Jeff Kent), seeing as they were going to lose him anyway.
Then came Phil Garner and later the miracle 36-10 run that propelled Houston past the Giants, Cubs, Marlins, Padres, Reds, and Phillies, as well as the Reds, Brewers and John Kerry. Suddenly Gerry Hunsicker and Drayton McLane were brilliant and courageous for sticking to their guns and holding with their favored central gardener. Suddenly, they stopped booting balls and started blasting them out of ballparks all across the country. The pitching was just barely deep enough to withstand the loss of Andy Pettitte and Wade Miller, and the non-death of Tim Redding. The Astros were the hottest team in baseball, and Beltran was in the center of all of it.
Combine his regular season (.267 / .367 / .548, 38 4-baggers and 42 steals) with his ungodly playoff run, and for the last half of the season, Beltran became the most feared thing in baseball, next to David Ortiz’s lucky jock strap. Once the offseason rolled around however, Beltran took a back seat to the master of misinformation…er…negotiation, Scott “I’m not the Devil, but we split a Time-Share in Vale” Boras.
For the past few weeks, anyone interested in Beltran or even at least following the saga of “The Courtship of the Jugador of the Five Herramientas” has to admit to being confused as to what is going on, and who is even interested in ‘Ol Belty*. Details have surfaced through various outlets about 10 year contracts, about $20 million annual averages, interest from all 30 teams, et al.
Soon the “book” will start circulating to everybody but the Royals, extolling the virtues of Beltran like he’s some sort of modern-day Bill Brasky. We here at Zipper Flap have received an advanced copy. Here are some excerpts:
“Carlos Beltran once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!”
“One time I was with Beltran in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Beltran goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Carlos Beltran! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘carlosbeltran’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'”
“He’d eat a homeless person if you dared him!”
“His poop is used as currency in Argentina.”
“He sweats Gatorade”
“He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.”
“He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! And he hated irony!”
“I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.”
“He sheds his skin once a year.”
“He did 3 tours in ‘Nam…… I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it’s Ho Tran Beltran!”
“I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.”
“He sleeps eight hours a night! …….. well, he was pretty normal when it came to that.”
“Carlos Beltran was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Beltran took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can’t find one. Finally Beltran takes me to a vacant lot and says, ‘Here we are.’ We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Beltran yelled over the roar of the flames, ‘Always leave things the way you found em!'”
“He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.”
“He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child.”
“He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault.”
“Beltran drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, ‘All in all, I prefer gin.'”
“He date raped David Bowie.”
“The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.”
“He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel.”
“He once ate the Bible while water skiing.”
“He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.”
“He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!”
“You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!”
“He has dandruff the size of mice!”
“He jogged with a fridge on his back!”
“He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen.”
“He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million.”
“Did I ever tell you about the time Beltran went hunting? Beltran decides he’s going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives…except Fleagle.”
“Beltran once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart.”
“Beltran once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms.”
“Beltran’s family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong.”
“Beltran ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool.”
“They use Beltran’s foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium.”
“He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.”
“Beltran’s semen can form into a liquid human – like the guy from ‘Terminator 2.”
As far as what teams are interested in Carlos, the major players are thought to be the Yankees, Cubs and maybe the Astros. The Astros get a maybe because different media outlets have been told (by Boras) that the chances range from favorite for his services to “no way in hell, but since you have money to spend, how about Adrian Beltre?” Over the last few days, the Red Sox, Dodgers, Angels, Mets, and White Sox have also been mentioned. Herr Boras also leaked that he expects to receieve offers from all 30 teams as well as most franchises in the NFL, just because.
If you get from any of this that nobody knows what’s going on, well that’s just the way Boras wants it. This is the same agent that got Kevin Brown free use of a jet on the same contract that would have allowed him to buy 50 jets. This is the same agent that got a bidding war going for Alex Rodriguez between Tom Hicks and…um…Tom Hicks, resulting in the Rangers outbidding themselves by over $100 million dollars. The other team in the running didn’t exist according to everyone in baseball not named Hicks or Boras. The simple fact that he has 11 free agents in his stable this summer makes him one of the most powerful men in sports right now.
I say all of that to say this: I don’t like the Astros chances in this. Especially with the lack of input Beltran seems to have in this process. I also tend to believe that unlike Hicks in the past and possibly the Cubs now, McLane doesn’t feel any desperation to sign Beltran. He also doesn’t have any desire to spend in the range of the upper end clubs (Red Sox, Yankees, etc.)
If I’m newly-minted GM Tim Purpura I spend my non-Boras time trying to re-sign Kent, picking up former Stro Steve Finley and Steve Kline, and taking a flier on Troy Glaus. All can be had, and would solve the problems of opening the season with Dan Miceli, Craig Biggio, Chris Burke, or Morgan Ensberg as everyday players. Beltran isn’t going to sign until the Owner’s Meetings in December at the earliest and probably later than that when it’s all said and done. Latest rumor says it’s going to require a pony and a Barbie Dream house to ink Beltran anyway.
If I’m the Astros, I’m planning for 2005 and beyond like Beltran isn’t an option. I’d offer him 6 years at an average of $17 million per. If he wants or can get more, good for him and his wife. And especially good for Scott Boras
*‘Ol Belty is patent pending Milo “Hall of Famer” Hamilton/Blue Star Productions.
Andy has been in a daze since the Astros won a playoff series, the Red Sox won a World Series and Baylor beat the Aggies. Maybe there are no curses, just good things and bad things, like the Cubs.