Predictions, my friend. Predictions.
When we last saw your Houston Astros, they were busy accomplishing their season-long goal of clinching the season series with the Pittsburgh Pie-roots. This “outstanding” accomplishment also allowed the Stros to relax during the All-Star Break with a one game lead over the Co-ardinals of San Louie and three games over the hapless Cubs.
What does the rest of the season hold? Over lunch, I grabbed a Magic Eight Ball, a bottle of Glenfiddich (aged 18 years), some tea leaves, a Ouija board and a Bud Selig Bobble Head and have come up with a ?vision? if you will of the remaining games.
July
The Astros start the second half of the season with an eight-game road trip to the Great American Trailer Park, PNC and one of the stadiums named after beer. No, the other one. They follow up that with a 3 game pit stop in Houston against the Hapless (I’m finding it redundant to say hapless Cubs so much, so any reference you see to the Hapless is a reference to Dusty Baker and his temperature challenged buddies) and back out on the road to the Ted for three with the Crackers.
Look for Jeff Kent to come back on fire, Jeff Bagwell to begin his typical 2nd half push, Roy Oswalt to get at least 2 starts before he strains his groin again, and for Wade Miller to remain hopelessly inconsistent.
Also look for ludicrous trade ideas and rumors to come from people besides Todd the Bod for the rest of the month. At the minimum, the following players will at some point be “coming to Houston”:
- Mark Loretta
- Andy Pettite
- Kenny Lofton
- Kris Benson
- Robert Guillome
- Jeff Suppan
- Chan Ho Park
- Jason Jennings
- Lee Majors
- Steve Austin
- Babe Ruth
- Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
- Alan Ginsberg
- Klaus Von Bulow
- Sunny Von Bulow
- Jon Van Der Wal
- Sam Walton
- anyone who ever played for the Detroit Tigers or San Diego Padres
- including the Chicken
- any of Tal Smith’s children
If the Stros come out of the month with more wins than losses, a series win over the Hapless and Kris Benson/Kenny Lofton instead of Brandon Puffer/Brian Hunter on the roster it’ll be a good month.
Prediction 8-6, 58-50, second place to the Co-ards.
August
What’s a better way to celebrate Andymas than by playing an assload of games at [email protected]?
Winning an assload of games at [email protected]
After 3 very winnable games with the Fish in Miami, the Astros will play 18 of their next 25 games at home against the Mess, Expos, Hapless, Redstockings, Trolley-Dodgers and Friars. Mixed in there is a 7 game roadie against the Hapless and the Redstockings, ending the season series with both squads before September begins.
With so many home games on the schedule against so many beatable teams, this is really going to be the time for the Astros to make a large move. Look for Craig Biggio to have a very big month, possibly his last big month, for Morgan Ensberg to finally start hitting on the road, and for the Hapless and Redstockings to be finally put out of their misery. Speaking of moves and misery, look for a case of runaway Sheriff Blaylock Cheezefood to shut down the concourse restrooms for at least 2 games.
Prediction: 19-9, 77-59, first place in front of the Co-ards
September
Remember all those good times at home in August? Pray for the roll to continue on the road in September, because they’re spending 16 games in hotels, versus 10 at the corner of Crawford and Texas. Houston opens the month with a ten-game road trip to Chavez Ravine (Smog Championship Grudge Match), San Diego and Milwaukee, a verrah important quickie at home with the LaGenius and the Co-ards, six more on the road with the Pebbles and a return visit with San Louie, and finally wrapping up with 7 at home against the Gints and the Brew-Crew. I’m tired just typing that out.
The Astros historically struggle on the West Coast, and even though the Dodgers should be waving the white flag and the Padres can’t even afford a flag, I don’t feel good about that trip, although the Good Land should be good enough to make it a .500 road trip. But this month is all about beating Bobby the Brain LaRussa and the Gints. Kent will again be genius, and Oswalt will be back, healthy and lights out. Brad Lidge will go down to injury, but Timmah Redding will find himself in the bully in his stead. The month will be a roller coaster, powered by Jose de la Jesus In-a God-a Davida’s daily vacillating opinion and the uber confuser Jimah Williams who will compare baseball to a chicken passing a egg to a milkman at least twice.
The GlenFiddich’s opinion is a good one.
Prediction: 15-11, 92-70, first place by 1 game over the Cards, who officially lose their Co-Status. It remains to be seen if they make a banner anyway.
Andy drinks alone, yeah, with nobody else. He drinks alone, yeah, with nobody else. You know when he drinks alone, he prefers to be by himself. Every morning just before breakfast, he don’t want no coffee or tea. Just him and his good buddy Wiser, that’s all he ever needs.